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A wife went shopping and bought home a beautiful shirt for her husband who was impressed and asked ' How much did you pay'
She replied' It was given free with a 300$ dress. I liked the shirt so much,I decided to buy the dress.'

*Husband is still recovering*


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A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner,and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey,what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

"Ralph , for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

Edited by Tortuga

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My Brother/Brother, Peter, came up with this joke:

Why is Zach kept locked up behind bars?

Zach222.jpg.0932f6432af0ddc013eedb2f8df31f4d.jpg

Spoiler

Because he is considered to be a flight risk.939926971_GrinBig.gif.73d37d05e3872d1cf9051a208c7ba848.gif

1739584062_GroanHeadslap.gif.6f94b8ab197d43a505c7f14d25f021dc.gif  

 

 

1706434453_LaughChuckle.gif.f33194eb7f526850572320a0a5e9466e.gif

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I apologize in advance if this is posted in the wrong place but what it says made me chuckle.

 

My worldly cousin posted this on Facebook. I read the first couple lines and couldn’t help but laugh.

 

I had to stop reading when it said in the second line: My name is God. 😁😁😁😁😁😁 

 

There was more to it but just left it out. 😁😁😁

 

E8E33F4F-9955-4B51-89B2-FB3476B4B16B.jpeg.3fc4b97d5fdf56f429558fb610161e44.jpeg

 

 

 

 

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A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man got up and went to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, was asking for a push.

"Not a chance," said the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slammed the door and returned to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answered.

"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's pouring rain out there"

"Well, you have a short memory," said his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down,
and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."

The man did as he was told, got dressed, and went out into the pounding rain. He called out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," came back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" called out the husband.

"Yes, please!" came the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asked the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

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How does Moses make his tea?

         He brews.

 

Why can’t you explain puns to a kleptomaniac?

          Because he always takes things literally.

 

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

          Diddly squats

 

What do you call a fake noodle?

          An impasta.

 

Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

          Because the P is silent.

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8 hours ago, Pjdriver said:

How does Moses make his tea?

         He brews.

Oh yeah. That one reminds me........

 

Did you hear about that manly beer in Israel? It's called He Brew.

 

Did you hear about the mild beer in Israel? It's called Israel Light.

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ORIGIN of HUMAN RACE

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race begin?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so all mankind was made."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question, "How did the human race begin?"

The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.

The confused girl returned to her mother and asked, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

 

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Yeah. I read a book about evolution once. I think it was published by the same people who did Life Magazine. It was all about the monkeys and the apes, descending eventually into humans, etc. You know, the usual story. But this particular book really had me thinking. I mean, it was very convincing. Once I got done reading it, I was absolutely convinced that this book was definitely written by someone who descended from an ape!

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4 hours ago, Omoyeme said:

ORIGIN of HUMAN RACE

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race begin?

 

I thought the human race started when God said,

"On your mark, get set, GO!"

 

Or was that the rat race....?....:lol1:

Edited by Tortuga

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A Travelling Overseer gave a stern talk to the congregation. They had taken a liking to home brew (beer in particular), and it became a focal point for conversation - to the annoyance of the CO.

After the final CO talk, the concluding remarks by a mature brother, seemed to reflect the sentiments of many in attendance.

"Brothers, in the light of our discussion, I am telling all here today, that I am not going to make any more home brew!"

There was a gasp in the audience, as he was quite fond of the amber liquid.

Many clapped in appreciation of his sacrifice.

As he walked past me I heard, 'But I'm not going to make any less either...'

 

The above story, characters, and incidents portrayed in this account is mainly fictitious, even though it may strongly remind you of somone in my cong in 1972. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. (Ps. He is no longer with us, but his recipe remains... )

 

Older {waiting for wiser}

 

 

 

 

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On 8/26/2018 at 4:09 AM, Omoyeme said:

ORIGIN of HUMAN RACE

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race begin?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so all mankind was made."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question, "How did the human race begin?"

The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.

The confused girl returned to her mother and asked, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

 

That is a reversal of joke that is on here somewhere. Man was from creation, wife from monkeys 🤐

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My wife has a bad back and it's getting difficult for her to stand or walk so she recently started seeing a pain management doctor. He suggested that she get a shot at the base of her spine that will temporarily block the source of her pain. She had the procedure done today and she didn't recognize me :eek:

Edited by Tortuga

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7 hours ago, Tortuga said:

My wife has a bad back and it's getting difficult for her to stand or walk so she recently started seeing a pain management doctor. He suggested that she get a shot at the base of her spine that will temporarily block the source of her pain. She had the procedure done today and she didn't recognize me :eek:

Can he take it back?

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Well, you changed your hair style, mustache, and what's with the green sweater and pink collar? Most of us can't recognize you without getting spinal injections.  

p.s. Your eyes look a little puffy. Allergies?

 

 

 

 

Edited by kejedo

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