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Found 13 results

  1. Week of November 23, 2020 - paragraph 13. Hahah, I am of course kidding - just seems to be a strange wording - compare to Ephesians 5:22
  2. https://imgur.com/gallery/1jQPT I think I've found my new favorite ministry presentation: "FREE dog souls with conversion!"
  3. Been an interesting past week making me weak. Went from record breaking mild weather ( 15C = 59F ) and no snow to Frigid & White. Visibility in west London is 1/3 mile. It had been a lot less. Notice west & east - no snow. This was from today - it has warmed up some. Will add some more pics when resize them.
  4. Jack and his wife Sue are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Heineken and puts it into their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks Sue. 'They're on sale, only $15 for 24 cans' Jack replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along Sue picks up a $30 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks Jack. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Heineken and it's half the price,' Jack never knew what hit him. The next thing he heard on the supermarket PA system was: 'Cleanup on aisle 19, we have a husband down.'
  5. Don't know if this was posted before - I couldn't find it. Didn't make such a good translation, but I hope you'll understand. The Story of the Bible - Do you know the Bible? - Oh yes! I know every single part of it! - And which part of the Bible do you like the most? - The New Testament. - And which part of the New Testament? - Well, the parables book. - And which parable do you like? - The parable of the Samaritan. - Would you like to relate it to me? - Yes, of course. So … there was a man who was going to Jerusalem and he fell victim to robbers and the thorns came up and choked him. He went further and because he didn’t have any money, it happened to meet the queen of Sheba and she gave this man two talents of silver and two changes of garments. And he got in his chariot and drove it with fury and when he rode it faster his hair got stuck in a big branch and he kept hanging there for many days and nights and the ravens were bringing him bread and water. One night, while he was hanging there sleeping, his wife, Delilah, came and cut his hair and he fell on a rocky place. And it started to rain and it kept raining for 40 days and 40 nights. He hid himself in a cave and someone came to him and told him: “Come and follow me … home, to have some food and rest, but he said: “I can’t, because I just got married”. Then, after walking for many days, he arrived at Jerusalem and there he saw the queen Isabell looking through the window and he told her attendants: ”Throw her down!” so they threw her down, and he said “Throw her again!” and they threw her again, and he told them once more: “One more time!” and they threw her seventy times seven and they took up 12 baskets of fragments. The problem is – in the resurrection whose wife will she become ?
  6. You know you are drinking too much coffee when....... * You answer the door before people knock. * Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. * You ski uphill. * You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. * You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. * You lick your coffeepot clean. * You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there. * Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. * You chew on other people's fingernails. * Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend." * You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet. * You can jump-start your car without cables. * Cocaine is a downer. * All your kids are named "Joe". * You don't need a hammer to pound nails. * Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low." * You don't sweat, you percolate. * You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel. * You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. * You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. * You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. * You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. * You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. * People get dizzy just watching you. * You've worn the finish off your coffee table. * The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. * Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. * Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. * Instant coffee takes too long. * When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop." * You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can. * Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. * You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. * You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. * You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running. * You can outlast the Energizer bunny. * You short out motion detectors. * You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. * Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. * You think being called a "drip" is a compliment. * You don't tan, you roast. * You can't even remember your second cup. * You help your dog chase its tail.
  7. Why are the New Bibles Silver? Because Steve Jobs is now in Heaven and Suggested making Apple Bibles....lol.. Hope no one gets offended
  8. Finally found it online- although I am wondering if he re-edited it- since I thought he said 'Heck-you ain't changed, all that much'. Current source online is from 1992 -however I originally got it from winter 1984 issue of the Mother Earth News ( am positive about that because I found a partial post of mine from 2000 stating such ( when I still had that magazine ). May still have a copy of poem on a disk somewhere. Reincarnation "What does Reincarnation mean?" A cowpoke asked his friend. His pal replied, "It happens when Yer life has reached its end. They comb yer hair, and warsh yer neck, And clean yer fingernails, And lay you in a padded box Away from life's travails." "The box and you goes in a hole, That's been dug into the ground. Reincarnation starts in when Yore planted 'neath a mound. Them clods melt down, just like yer box, And you who is inside. And then yore just beginnin' on Yer transformation ride." "In a while, the grass'll grow Upon yer rendered mound. Till some day on yer moldered grave A lonely flower is found. And say a hoss should wander by And graze upon this flower That once wuz you, but now's become Yer vegetative bower." "The posy that the hoss done ate Up, with his other feed, Makes bone, and fat, and muscle Essential to the steed, But some is left that he can't use And so it passes through, And finally lays upon the ground This thing, that once wuz you." "Then say, by chance, I wanders by And sees this upon the ground, And I ponders, and I wonders at, This object that I found. I thinks of reincarnation, Of life and death, and such, And come away concludin': 'Slim, You ain't changed, all that much.'" © by Wallace McRae; Winter 1984 Mother Earth News; reprinted in Cowboy Curmudgeon (1992) http://www.cowboypoetry.com/mcrae.htm
  9. A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Jaguar XK-8 in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out of the car, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore the driver's door off the Jag. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it like new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "My God!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!!!!"
  10. Horses Backsides. Date: Wed, 15 Sep 1999 This Item was sent me by a former Toronto Transit employee. I found it fascinating... How Specs Live Forever The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet,8.5inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts. So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what (horse's ass) came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses. Plus: There's an interesting extension of the story about railroad gauge and horses' behinds. When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on the launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are the solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at a factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to beshipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line to the factory runs through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than a railroad track,and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses' behinds. So a major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined by the width of a horse's backside. "It's better to be in the race for a second than to spectate forever."
  11. For those of us who like things Hot and can relate. Chili Judge Copyright 1997 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com/ ===> Please do not remove the copyright from this essay! <=== Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all. Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO:. Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild. CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy. Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her. Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift." Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled--it's kinda cute. Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later. Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am a bit worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress. CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue. Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. CAMERON: Momma?
  12. The following "they say" is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company. ************************************************************************************ Gentlemen, I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago. Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan -------------------------------- Dear Mr. Finnegan, We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, Irish Railway Company ----------------------------------- Gentlemen, I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That.... Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years! Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan.

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