Biblical Jokes

[Dages]

You surely know some...

Jesus and all his apostles were preaching, Peter, alone, was preparing the meal for dinner, at home. Two big chicken was cooked... Peter was hungry. He was waiting for everybody but they were late...

"Hooo... just one leg, Jesus will understand"

and he ate the chicken leg. Delicious !

"I should have another, i'm so hungry..."

And he ate the leg of the other chicken, "good balance".

knock knock!

"Oops"

They were back home, very encouraged by this afternoon preaching and healing and helping people. They sat and Jesus did the prayer. Jesus proposed Peter to cut the chicken for everybody.

"O...ok !"

The Christ looked at the chicken and see only one leg. He checked the other, same strange thing.

"Peter ?

- Yes, Jesus ?

- The chicken are strange here, only one leg ?

- Ha ! Er... y... yes ! Er... it's like that in our region, only one leg chicken.

- Ha ? Fine..."

*Saaaafe !* thought the apostle.

"We will see your chicken in the garden after dinner, i do not remember one-leg chicken during the Creation", Jesus smiles.

*Hu hoooo*

After dinner, everybody went to the garden, the chicken were sleeping... on one leg. Peter, proud, show them to Jesus.

"See ? only one leg !"

Jesus smiled and clapped his hand.

All the chicken woke up and run in every direction.

Peter sighed and said :

"Ho Jesus, you and your miracle !!!"

---------------------------

There is a brother, in a plane, for a long trip... he is quiet, reading the Holy Scriptures.

BUT, SUDDENLY ! The plane has a malfunction, an engine burst into flame ! Everyone screams. The captain annonces : the plane is going to crash, they are flying over Siberia...". Panic !

The brother feels really unconfortable. He is praying and asking for the peace of God. Just after that, he feels better and calm... but another engine burst (should not have choose this russian company) and the right wing of the plane is destroyed. The plane is know falling at full speed.

What should the brother do ?

"Pop" ! Satan appears just in front of the brother.

"Hell-oooo, my friend... do you know you are going to die ? he asks.

- I do not care, I am faithful ! God will remember me !

- I'm not sure of that... if the plane crash... may be you will survive... alone... with all those corpses... starving... hurt...

- Shut up Satan ! I don't want to hear you !

- Ok ok, i let you alone."

And he disappears in a flash.

The brother looks by the window... the plane is falling, the pilot is doing his best to control it.

Pop !

"I just forgot to say...

- you again ?

- yeah... you know, i can save you ! I'm Satan, yes, but as i am an angel, i have some power !

- Do not lie ! You can do nothing !

- Don't lie to yourself, the Bible say i am the god of this world, right ? I will save you !

- No ! I'm a Jehovah's witness ! I will only put my faith in Jehovah !

- Yeah, yeah, i know... but Jehovah won't save you now, you will die, you won't be able to see your family for a moment... they may forget you... or... worse ! I could attack them so they leave Jehovah ! You'd be alone in paradise ! Haha !

- No ! Do not do this !

- So let me save you... you just have to say : I LOVE SATAN... yes... shout this : I LOVE SATAN.

- Are you crazy ? Go out !

- Ok...ok..."

And he disappears again. The brother sighs and looks again by the windows... the plane is really falling... the altimeter shows 5000 feet !! The brother sobs a little, thinking about his family, he wants to protect his household.

2500 feet !

Pop ! Satan appears again :

" Say it !"

Pop ! he appears by the window, sitting on the destroyed wing, but the brother can still hear his voice :

" I can save you, i can teleport you, you see, its easy for me !"

Pop ! Again, in the next seat.

"Say it ! I will do it, i swear! look 1000 feet ! You will die in the next minute !

- No !

- Shout it ! I will do ! I'm powerful !

- No !

- 500 feet ! bye !

- Ho okay ! SAVE ME ! I LOVE SATAN !

The brother feels a shock in his ribs, he opens the eyes.

His wife, furious, just poked him !

"Are you serious ? You sleep during the Convention, fine, but don't shout strange things like this !"

-------------------------------------

[dewdrop]

Nice brother. I loved it:cowboy:

[sianrose]

[Dages]

Ok, sister, french humour...

French Witness joke : In Paradise, we will all talk the Pure Language : french, of course (that's why we are very lazy about foreign languages, aren't we ?)

[sianrose]

only joking...he he he )'>...they were funny...

Do you know a brother called Silvan...he came over to Wales UK about 1995...he had to go to prison then because of your National service?....

[ava]

Ok, here is one the sisters will appreciate.

Once upon a time, God made a beautiful garden and he created man and named him Adam and placed him in this garden. Adam enjoyed the garden and the animals, but he noticed he was alone unlike the animals who had partners. So God made a woman for Adam. After spending time with this woman, Adam was very happy and pleased. After Adam had spent some time with the woman, God asked Adam what he thought of her. Adam first responded "she is very beautiful, why did you make her so beautiful", god responded "so you will like her". Adam then asked god "her skin is so soft, why did you do this", god responded, "so you will like her". Adam then thought some more and asked god one more question, he said "she is so dumb, why did you make her so dumb". God thought for a moment before he replied, then he told Adam, "I made her dumb so she would like you."

[cbkb001]

A brother wanted to serve Jehovah more fully so he prayed about it and - poof - he was made a servant.

Well, that was nice, but he prayed more - "I'd really like to care more for the personal needs of the congregation." POOF - he was made an elder.

"Yes, this is great and everything, but I really want to know what's going on inside the congregation!"

P O O O F ! - He was made into a sister.

[Micah]

Ok, here is one the sisters will appreciate.

Once upon a time, God made a beautiful garden and he created man and named him Adam and placed him in this garden. Adam enjoyed the garden and the animals, but he noticed he was alone unlike the animals who had partners. So God made a woman for Adam. After spending time with this woman, Adam was very happy and pleased. After Adam had spent some time with the woman, God asked Adam what he thought of her. Adam first responded "she is very beautiful, why did you make her so beautiful", god responded "so you will like her". Adam then asked god "her skin is so soft, why did you do this", god responded, "so you will like her". Adam then thought some more and asked god one more question, he said "she is so dumb, why did you make her so dumb". God thought for a moment before he replied, then he told Adam, "I made her dumb so she would like you."

But if us men are made in God's image, and following this story, doesn't that mean God's dumb?

Rebuttal joke:

Back in the Garden of Eden, after Jehovah has created Adam, Adam was naming the animals and noticed that all had a mate but him. Adam approached Jehovah and asked, "What is needed for me to have a mate, Father?" To that Jehovah answered, "What do you want?" Adam thought for a few minutes than answered, "I would like a companion that is beautiful, that will not complain, that will get me a beer whenever I ask, that will cook well, clean, take care of the kids, and especially not bother me while I am trying to relax. What will that cost?" Jehovah thought for a moment, then said, "An arm and a leg." Again, Adam thought for a minute and asked, "What can I get for a rib?" And the rest is history!!!!!!!!

[Dages]

Those jokes look international... haha... Already heard about them.

A Witness and a Muslim are on the rooftop of a building.

They are both chatting about the Truth, the Bible and God.

Out of argument, the muslim claims :

"I know how we can define who is the real God, between Jehovah and Allah.

- Ha ? Tell me !

- We should dive jump from this rooftop... and the real God will save his servant !

- No problem with that !

- Ok go first.

The Witness do a short prayer and jump !

As he is falling, the Hand of God appears and catch him...

Jehovah put his witness softly on the ground.

The Muslim is impressed but jump too !

As he is falling, the Hand of God appears and catch him...

... AND SMASH HIM AT FULL FORCE ON THE GROUND !

[sianrose]

Hi David

this was not a joke...

Do you know a brother called Silvan...he came over to Wales UK about 1995...he had to go to prison then because of your National service?....I think his surname was Boise...

[Dages]

No, i don't know him, sorry...

Ha ! another joke !

What is Jehovah's phone number ?

07 66 24 33 03... why ?

07 (new mobile phone number in France start with 07... and you know... 7 is perfection)

66 (because 66 books in the Bible)

24 (the 24th ? => Jeremiah)

33 (chapter 33)

03 (verse 3)

"‘Call to me, and I shall answer you and readily tell you great and incomprehensible things that you have not known.’”

[Dages]

http://www.lolcatbible.com/index.php?title=Main_Page

Awesome ! If you know the Lolcat meme.

http://www.lolcatbible.com/index.php?title=Psalm_83#18

Psalm 83:18

Ceiling Cat, let dem kno yer naem, srsly. Maek dem yell it, lol

Awlso, let dem kno yu are teh Jehovah Cat, owna of teh howse!

Even the lolcat version has "Jehovah" in it.

[sunshine]

Are you a Jehovah's Witness if ....

You know when Nisan 14 is - but you forget you own birthday.

You wash windows for a living, but you own five suits.

Most songs you sing have numbers for titles.

You think "www" stands for World Wide Work.

All your lapels have badge holes.

You have 12 servants, but you do your own cooking and cleaning.

You stay in a hotel 200 miles from home, and know all the other guests.

You shave on Saturday mornings.

Every play you've ever seen had actors with fake beards.

You live in the city, and you're allergic to wool, but you're always out looking for sheep.

You manage to feel guilty if you have three unread magazines.

You need two helpers in the back seat to back out of a driveway.

You're more afraid of the dentist than of speaking in public.

You get up early on January 1st.

You have to keep reminding yourself not to pet the lions at the zoo.

You wait till after Thanksgiving to cook a turkey.

"Pioneer" doesn't make you think of log cabins; "Remnant" doesn't remind you of carpet; "RV" doesn't make you think of Winnebago's; "Street work" doesn't remind you of construction; "Witness" doesn't make you think of court; and "Circuit" never reminds you of electricity.....

[jeremy]

Are you a Jehovah's Witness if ....

You think "www" stands for World Wide Work.

haha, so true, I goto be careful when saying World Wide Work at the meeting as I am such an internet junkie. I am terrified I say Web. It's almost a tongue twister.

[Dages]

That's not a joke but i've just read this story... and i found it interesting...

Sorry for my bad translation.

____________________

An old man in Ancient Israël had a flock of sheep . And he had 3 sons. I decide, just before his death, to give his first son : half the flock... to the second : a quarter... to the last : a sixth of the flock. And if something is left, it the part for Jehovah...

And then, he died. The 3 brothers met and saw that only their father had only 11 sheep.

So, for the first, half the flock... 11/2 = 5,5 sheep ? Oops !

For the second : a quarter... 11/4 = 2.75 ?! a slaughter ?

For the last : a sixth... 11/6 = 1,83 ?! what a pity

So... what about God ? only 0.92 sheep

The flock was probably afraid now

The 3 brothers were about to fight each other. The wiser of the 3 decided to ask one of the priest of Israël. The Priest said :

"Calm down, i have an idea. I have a sheep too. You can take it, you can send it back after you have decided."

11+1=12... so, what about the share ? :readbible:

The older 12/2 = 6 ! right ! )'>

next, 12/4 = 3 ! Ok !

and for the last brother 12/6 = 2

So they shared... 6+3+2... 11 sheep

So there was 1 sheep last, the priest's one. Strange !

one of the brother send the last sheep to the priest and said : "it is useless, so i send it back to you" ;)

What is the point of this story ?

God is helping us. Like the sheep of the priest : it's free, sometimes unexpected, sometimes one does not want it, or makes any decision about it... God is helping us, and sometimes no one sees it.

But, God is helping : the brothers are now in peace , the flock is safe , and... each brother received more than they expected.