Can one remain as a boy after marriage?

[Hotteok]

After living like 30 years, there is one thing I learnt about myself.

 

It is that I'll never grow up.

My deepest subconsciousness-level ego is lying somewhere between childhood and adolescence.. and I think at age 100 or 200, I'll still be like this.

 

I still like to play games and make silly jokes and goof around.

 

I feel though the society I'm in is slowly molding me(though not intentionally) into a mature adult, father-like figure which to me feels so boring. 

 

Girls I've dated recently unconsciously send these subliminal signals and seem to test me to see if I'm mature enough to be what they have in mind, if I meet their own standards.

 

I'm myself around young sisters in my cong but when I'm on a blind date with a sister with marriage in mind, I feel this immense pressure and wonder 'Do I really qualify as a husband and a father?' 

 

Some sisters, with their subconscious feminine energy(?), have a power that somehow changes how I view myself and how I behave, making me feel like I have no choice but to adapt to them.

 

Many brothers seem to have succeeded in being the ideal husbands and to have no emotional conflict in the process of trying to meet the requirements.

 

 

But I like to feel like myself around my future wife. I'd like to feel free and be nerdy and goofy enough around her.

 

I don't want to pretend I'm someone else and don't want to live a life of someone who doesn't even exist.

 

I might change eventually and laugh at this kind of post but right now this is how I feel. 

 

 

[On the huh]

If you are not ready for marriage, then why are you dating?  

[leoperales]

7 hours ago, NobleEndeavours said:

blind date with a sister with marriage in mind

[Pjdriver]

Tim, if you don’t feel like you can be yourself with someone, after a few dates... you might want to ask yourself, why. ?

 

 

[Hotteok]

50 minutes ago, Jonathan77 said:

If you are not ready for marriage, then why are you dating?  

Um... to see if I feel like getting married with her? 

What if she’s the one? 

38 minutes ago, Pjdriver said:

Tim, if you don’t feel like you can be yourself with someone, after a few dates... you might want to ask yourself, why. ?

 

 

Different wavelength, world views... different degree of spirituality etc

[carlos]

You will change eventually.

 

I have several friends who were childish and liked to do silly things well into their 30s, even after they were married. But they matured gradually.

 

The best way to mature is to have responsibilities (I mean in life, not necessarily in the congregation). When you need to go to work every day because if you can't pay the rent and the bills at the end of the month you and your wife will end up hungry and homeless, that makes you take things more seriously. For some of my friends the turning point was having a child. They now felt they had a seirous responsibility and could no longer goof around. Of course that doesn't mean they are now serious all the time. They still like jokes and havign a good time, but they no longer behave as children.

[Rose94]

I agree with OP, I feel like I'm never going to stop being a kid. I don't want to forget what it's like to have fun. Even my own dad still acts like a boy!  

Edited May 23, 2019 by Rose94

[pnutts]

1 hour ago, carlos said:

I have several friends who were childish and liked to do silly things well into their 30s, even after they were married. But they matured gradually.

Some mature faster than others. There is a reason that Jewish males were not considered men until the age of 30.

Some of us still have some goofy moments even into our 60's and beyond.

Maybe that is just our 2nd or 3rd childhood.

Just ask Richard Turtle.

[Miss Bea]

This is a strange one. There is a difference between someone not able to take on responsibilities of an adult male, and one who is, “fun loving”. To me, anyway. 

I’m in my mid seventies. I enjoy children’s music, love children’s books. (I’ve actually bought ones for myself, and ended up giving them to kids in our congregation) A brother, (whom I had given children’s books to) actually asked me why I enjoyed children’s books. Pictures? 

My husband tells me, “not to loose my kid”. I do not intend to. (I also enjoy dancing, music, and a good laugh, and all the good things Jehovah has given me) 

Brother, you need to be around ones who love you as you are. No questions asked. 

We are all individuals, and, to me, it would be such a compromise to have to change who you basically are, to please another human. You need to have those wonderful qualities Jehovah finds necessary for all of us, but, enjoy life as you move through it. Be yourself. unique  special. 

I’m hoping if it is your desire, one will come along and love you as you are. 

(You seem like lots of fun to me) 

[Thesauron]

4 hours ago, NobleEndeavours said:

Um... to see if I feel like getting married with her? 

What if she’s the one? 

Oh, may we never lose our inner child..

 

But seriously, you might want to scrutinise yourself to see if YOU are the one. If you’re not ready to date and take on something so serious as marriage, then you’re just being mean and playing with the feelings of others if you’re dating. So, are you mature enough?

[Hope]

I often wonder why so many seem to make being a mature adult the opposite of someone who loves fun and adventure?  Can they not be contained in the same person??  They are in me.

 

I am delighted to be an adult.  I love having and taking responsibility for my actions, having the money to do it (  ), being able to make decisions about my life without asking permission.  Taking care of my own business.  

 

As mentioned above, being fun-loving is not something that has to go away once a person grows up.  But I will say as a woman and a sister, in considering if a brother will be a good husband, we need to feel that we will be taken care of and that the man is a head that will be easy to submit to.  The LAST thing I'd want to do is feel like my husband is a boy and not a man.  I can easily separate fun-loving, goofy sense of humor, spontaneous adventure qualities from those that make a man mature, spiritual, serious minded when needed.  A combination of those qualities is what engenders respect and trust in a woman for a man, imo -- and something to be striven for. 

 

Brothers need to understand that a sister - in accepting you - is choosing you to be her head... the head of her government, as it were.  It is a very serious consideration; her spiritual health is at stake.  That responsibility is essential for the brother to consider because Jehovah holds HIM responsible for handling it properly.  If a brother doesn't feel like he can do it, he should not be trying to date or marry anyone.  But that responsibility and maturity does NOT mean he can't be any fun anymore.  He just has to be a man, not a child.

[CynthiaG]

I admire that you are honest about yourself! I believe everyone has already stated great points and questions to even ask yourself.  

 

Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4

There is an appointed time for everything, A time for every activity under the heavens:

A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to wail and a time to dance;

 

It is ok to be fun and still responsible. Sisters want someone to lead her and make her laugh. You should be ready to do both when considering marriage. 

 

Even after becoming a wife and mother and a servant of Jehovah I still ask myself "am I qualified?" It's a perfectly normal feeling to have it's what moves us to make pertinent changes when neccessary. 

 

 

 

[Pjdriver]

6 hours ago, Hope said:

But I will say as a woman and a sister, in considering if a brother will be a good husband, we need to feel that we will be taken care of and that the man is a head that will be easy to submit to. 

You’ve just narrowed the playing field quite a bit.............but that’s ok, it’s still better than settling.

[Hope]

16 minutes ago, Pjdriver said:

You’ve just narrowed the playing field quite a bit.............but that’s ok, it’s still better than settling.

 

I know a lot of brothers like that!  They're already married, of course   

 

Also - I never even get the opportunity to "settle", so I might as well talk about ideals 🤷‍♀️

Edited May 24, 2019 by Hope

[Vinnie]

Hello @NobleEndeavours, You ask a serious question. Here is a serious answer.

 

No, one cannot remain as a boy after marriage. One must be a man before he is married. One who is willing to  set aside any traits of a child and put forth the effort to focus on the more important things. No wife wants to be married to a boy. When a  wife has a child, she does  not want to feel like she is taking care of 2 children. A wife wants to be married to a man. Someone who will lead. Who will put work before play. Who will sacrifice himself and any of his wants for his family. Of course there is a time and place for fun and games but it won't be all the time nor most of the time but more like just some of the time.  

 

Jehovah tells us there is a time and place for everything. Consider Eccl 3 1-8. 

 

22 hours ago, NobleEndeavours said:

Some sisters, with their subconscious feminine energy(?), have a power that somehow changes how I view myself and how I behave, making me feel like I have no choice but to adapt to them.

If you are not ready to adapt to them,  not change who you are, but improve who you are, then think carefully. Maybe you need some more time to grow up. There is nothing wrong with waiting. It won't hurt you or anyone else to remain as you are a little while longer.  

 

Keep putting it in prayer to Jehovah and don't be afraid to ask mature brothers that know you and trust to be honest with you - Ask them their opinion - Do you think I am ready for marriage? 

 

Hang in there Timothy, and don't be discouraged 

 

 

[well]

There is an appointed time for everything- Ecclesiastes 3: 1

 

I dunno how to live with somebody being just serious or goofy all the time... There's time for fun, and being serious when discussing important stuff is showing respect... So, we need to know how to behave in different occasion...

 

Find a sister who can laugh and have fun with you in casual time...

 

But, frankly speaking, brothers from Korea or Japan tend to gave me an impression of being formal, strict, and perfectionist... The other side means they can be counted on and highly responsible... It's their culture... and coming from Indonesia, with the laid back culture, I can't stand it... Just personal preference...

[well]

In different sense, people has their own ego they are sticking on, at that time, it looks like they are childish... Yet, a mature one will learn to cope it and improve gradually... We are just in the state of learning... We can be mature enough one day if we keep improving ourselves...

 

[New World Explorer]

On 5/24/2019 at 4:53 AM, Hope said:

I often wonder why so many seem to make being a mature adult the opposite of someone who loves fun and adventure?  Can they not be contained in the same person?? 

I love your observation ...

[Hope]

15 minutes ago, New World Explorer said:

I love your observation ...

 

Thank you!  We see a lot of complaints (real or in jest) about "adulting"... how people don't want to "adult". 😕  I don't get that.  What is the alternative?  To be a child?  Needing someone to take care of you and make all your decisions for you?   I don't think I ever want anyone making my decisions for me. 

 

I'd love assistance, feedback, alternatives regarding my decisions and I'd LOVE someone to take care of me -- but none of that like what you get from a parent.  I want what comes from an ADULT partner.  And a partner who is looking for an adult for *his* partner - not a child to look after.

[hatcheckgirl]

21 hours ago, ivy said:

But, frankly speaking, brothers from Korea or Japan tend to gave me an impression of being formal, strict, and perfectionist... The other side means they can be counted on and highly responsible... It's their culture...

For Brother Tim's situation, this is what rings true I feel.  We can all talk about how it applies to our situation and culture (all good points made btw).  But our brother lives in a very stringent culture with norms that can suffocate the 'inner child".  I feel for what you are going through, Tim.  It can't be easy trying to find your way in the dating scene, and I'm sure you have marriage as your ultimate goal and would not want to just play the field for fun.

 

But how do you do that in Tim's culture?  They are expected to be serious, about everything in life, but especially with spiritual things and marriage.  Look at how faithful our Korean brothers have been?  Their faith is incredibly strong, and they have intense loyalty to Jehovah to be willing to suffer imprisonment for their neutral stand.  Can you imagine if you wanted to goof around, how perhaps others might see it?  It's not their fault they are serious by nature, but when you are young you have to do "young" things.

 

Also, the Asian culture is driven by a hard work ethic.  For those in the truth, they seem to be able to manage full time work with pioneering.  For those in the world, they strive for money and job status.  It rubs off on the brothers, and we know that "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy".  

 

As for you, Tim, as in other threads there's been the suggestion to widen out and seek other fields.  You may find your English skills can be used in other countries to help with the witnessing work.  Imagine meeting and associating with different types of people, some of whom may better suit your temperament.  That's just my observation on how your situation is impacting on you and your happiness.  I may be wrong, but please think about all the good advice our friends around the world have mentioned here.  And give it all to Jehovah in prayer to help you know what to do.

[Hope]

Agreed.  And I'm here to tell you that American girls LOVE Korean brothers (they faint at BTS 😉  ) ... at least quite a few fun-loving, spiritual sisters *I* know.  Widen out and see the world!  

[well]

47 minutes ago, hatcheckgirl said:

For Brother Tim's situation, this is what rings true I feel.  We can all talk about how it applies to our situation and culture (all good points made btw).  But our brother lives in a very stringent culture with norms that can suffocate the 'inner child".  I feel for what you are going through, Tim.  It can't be easy trying to find your way in the dating scene, and I'm sure you have marriage as your ultimate goal and would not want to just play the field for fun.

 

But how do you do that in Tim's culture?  They are expected to be serious, about everything in life, but especially with spiritual things and marriage.  Look at how faithful our Korean brothers have been?  Their faith is incredibly strong, and they have intense loyalty to Jehovah to be willing to suffer imprisonment for their neutral stand.  Can you imagine if you wanted to goof around, how perhaps others might see it?  It's not their fault they are serious by nature, but when you are young you have to do "young" things.

 

Also, the Asian culture is driven by a hard work ethic.  For those in the truth, they seem to be able to manage full time work with pioneering.  For those in the world, they strive for money and job status.  It rubs off on the brothers, and we know that "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy".  

 

As for you, Tim, as in other threads there's been the suggestion to widen out and seek other fields.  You may find your English skills can be used in other countries to help with the witnessing work.  Imagine meeting and associating with different types of people, some of whom may better suit your temperament.  That's just my observation on how your situation is impacting on you and your happiness.  I may be wrong, but please think about all the good advice our friends around the world have mentioned here.  And give it all to Jehovah in prayer to help you know what to do.

Hit on point!

 

That's why my suggestion is to find the sister who can appreciate his humor and have fun with him... The goal before marriage is to find the right person, not to just get married... Even if that mean you have to be single for a while...

[well]

1 hour ago, Hope said:

Agreed.  And I'm here to tell you that American girls LOVE Korean brothers (they faint at BTS 😉  ) ... at least quite a few fun-loving, spiritual sisters *I* know.  Widen out and see the world!  

Thanks to K-Pop and K-Drama... 

 

Oh! And, I love Korean skin care and cosmetics...

[Myew]

On 5/22/2019 at 11:07 PM, NobleEndeavours said:

I still like to play games and make silly jokes and goof around.

Myself feeling similarly, I have come to learn that there are still many men and woman alike who feel the same no matter what age they are. Due to my limitations, I haven't been able to meet many of them, so I often struggle with these same feelings of loneliness and worthlessness, but I have met some and I do know that there are very many more of them out there in Jehovah's organization, and that they are absolutely amazing. It doesn't necessarily mean that they are available for marriage in this system or in your area, but you are not alone or wrong in your feelings. Jehovah loves these kinds of people. (Ecclesiastes 3:12, 13) I have concluded that there is nothing better for them than to rejoice and to do good during their life, 13 also that everyone should eat and drink and find enjoyment for all his hard work. It is the gift of God. (2 Samuel 6:14) David was dancing around before Jehovah with all his might; all the while David wore a linen ephʹod. (2 Samuel 6:20-23) When David returned to bless his own household, Saul’s daughter Miʹchal came out to meet him. She said: “How glorious the king of Israel made himself when he uncovered himself today before the eyes of the slave girls of his servants, just as an empty-headed man openly uncovers himself!” 21 At this David said to Miʹchal: “My celebration was before Jehovah, who chose me rather than your father and all his household and who appointed me as leader over Jehovah’s people, Israel. Therefore, I will celebrate before Jehovah, 22 and I will humble myself even more than this and become low even in my own eyes. But by the slave girls whom you mentioned, I will be glorified.” 23 So Saul’s daughter Miʹchal had no children down to the day of her death.

 

On 5/22/2019 at 11:07 PM, NobleEndeavours said:

I feel though the society I'm in is slowly molding me(though not intentionally) into a mature adult, father-like figure which to me feels so boring. 

It's to be expected that every society ruled by Satan will lead to people with broken and crushed spirits. That is not a sign of maturity or of Jehovah's form of discipline. (Colossians 3:21) You fathers, do not be exasperating your children, so that they do not become downhearted.  (Ephesians 6:4) And fathers, do not be irritating your children, but go on bringing them up in the discipline and admonition of Jehovah.

 

On 5/22/2019 at 11:07 PM, NobleEndeavours said:

Many brothers seem to have succeeded in being the ideal husbands and to have no emotional conflict in the process of trying to meet the requirements.

Man cannot ever truly know what other people are feeling or thinking, all the more if you're living in a culture that does not openly share your feelings. What strengths and qualities will YOU be able to provide for a mate? (1 Samuel 16:7) But Jehovah said to Samuel: “Do not pay attention to his appearance and how tall he is, for I have rejected him. For the way man sees is not the way God sees, because mere man sees what appears to the eyes, but Jehovah sees into the heart.” (Galatians 6:4, 5) But let each one examine his own actions, and then he will have cause for rejoicing in regard to himself alone, and not in comparison with the other person. 5 For each one will carry his own load.
 

On 5/22/2019 at 11:07 PM, NobleEndeavours said:

I don't want to pretend I'm someone else and don't want to live a life of someone who doesn't even exist.

Jehovah would not be happy either if you did this to yourself. If you are mature enough to handle yourself and marital responsibilities but she does not appreciate your attitude or mistakenly thinks that she could change you, then you would both suffer needlessly and you should probably keep looking for someone with a similar outlook and spiritual goals to your own. The person that you choose to marry should be someone who can trust to support you when you are down, and you should to be able to do the same for them. How much more lonely and painful it would be to marry someone who does not love your traits. (Ephesians 4:25) Therefore, now that you have put away deceit, each one of you speak truth with his neighbor, because we are members belonging to one another. (1 Corinthians 7:28) And if a virgin married, such a person would commit no sin. However, those who do will have tribulation in their flesh. But I am trying to spare you. (Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10) Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their hard work. 10 For if one of them falls, the other can help his partner up. But what will happen to the one who falls with no one to help him up?

[Shawnster]

On 5/23/2019 at 8:09 AM, Pjdriver said:

Tim, if you don’t feel like you can be yourself with someone, after a few dates... you might want to ask yourself, why. ?

 

 

 

On 5/23/2019 at 8:48 AM, NobleEndeavours said:

Um... to see if I feel like getting married with her? 

What if she’s the one? 

Different wavelength, world views... different degree of spirituality etc

I think that was Burt's point.  You will be most happy when you find a woman you can be yourself around. If you are dating a sister and you find you cannot be yourself around her, maybe that is not the sister to spend the rest of your life with. 

 

That is why people date. To find a compatible marriage mate. If you find you aren't compatible, then it's time to move on. 

 

The question is, what makes one compatible?  When I was 20 I thought I knew.  However, I was apparently wrong.  My wife does not meet those qualities I looked for when I was 20.

 

However, I'm always comfortable and myself around her.