Favourite joke(s)

[Catalyst]

What's yours?

I like this from Tommy Cooper

I went into this pub, and I ate a ploughman's lunch. He was livid.

[Joey]

Larry was a reporter for the NY Times, he was supposed to meet a plane at the airport.Jumping in a plane he says "OK,hit it." The pilot took off and was soon in the air "OK,fly low over those trees.I want to take a few pictures." "What do you mean?" the pilot asked. Larry looked at the pilot a little annoyed and said "I need to take some pictures for the NY Times,so please..." There was a long pause,before the pilot asked in a shaky voice."You mean your not my flight instructor?"

[Catalyst]

A man walked into bar. It really hurt. It was an iron bar

[Catalyst]

This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away. Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by. When an elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him. It was a different elephant.

[Catalyst]

Not a joke but funny

Said Hamlet to Ophelia,

I'll draw a sketch of thee,

What kind of pencil shall I use?

2B or not 2B?

[Catalyst]

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there

are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my

mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother

Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

[GrumpysWife]

Better keep your day job, Steve.

[Catalyst]

Better keep your day job, Steve.

I can't help it ..it's an addiction

A man went into a bar and said

A crocodile sandwich please, and make it snappy !

[Joey]

Keep 'em coming...I like them....

[Musky]

How about some vintage Rodney Dangerfield?

"My girlfriend called, she said "come on over, there's nobody home" So I went over, and there was nobody home"

[Catalyst]

How about some vintage Rodney Dangerfield?

"My girlfriend called, she said "come on over, there's nobody home" So I went over, and there was nobody home"

Ha... I like that one..

Had to include this....

World's funniest joke... ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World's_funniest_joke )

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

[LoneWanderer]

World's funniest joke...

What about the funniest AND most deadly joke, as used by the British in WWII--at least according to Monty Python?

[Catalyst]

Tall people lie longer in bed

[Doug]

Don't know if this will work in written form - One of Johnnie Carson's favorites:

Man says "I got a new hearing aid today".

Friend says "Oh yeah? What kind is it?"

Man says "It's 2:30"

[Doug]

Don't know if this will work in written form - One of Johnnie Carson's favorites:

Man says "I got a new hearing aid today".

Friend says "Oh yeah? What kind is it?"

Man looks at his watch and says "It's 2:30"

Hope this helps!

[Musky]

Hope this helps!

Helps what? Double the joke's exposure?

[Joey]

Don't know if this will work in written form - One of Johnnie Carson's favorites:

Man says "I got a new hearing aid today".

Friend says "Oh yeah? What kind is it?"

Man looks at his watch and says "It's 2:30"

Hope this helps!

You must not have heard me laugh the first time.

[GrumpysWife]

Sounds just like Grumpy when I talk to him. But he won't get hearing aids.

[rocket]

Sounds just like Grumpy when I talk to him. But he won't get hearing aids.

I got a pair of hearing aids 10 or more years ago because my wife kept complaining that I couldn't hear her over the tv. After listening to what she had to say for a few weeks, I put them back in the box and there they sit.

[surfergirl]

This one is probably an oldie.

Every where a woman goes a mangoes!

[Cherie]

This works well in service. You ask your partner if they'd like to see you "knock down this tree." (a little one, as if it were possible) You walk over to it and rap on it with your knuckles, high to low. haha!

[Cherie]

Well, perhaps not in service after all.......ahem.

[Catalyst]

I got home from work and the wife said - "I'm very sorry dear, but the dog's eaten your dinner."

I said 'Dont worry - I'll get you a new dog'.

[Catalyst]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!''

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.

She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!''

The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

[GrumpysWife]

That is funny.