I was sitting in my work van recently...gazing out a frosted windshield at a landscape of distant hills topped with fresh powdered snow...two bald eagles circling the early morning sky as I could just make out a small herd of deer grazing on the side of a hill...working their way down as they pawed at the snowpack looking for any whisps of grass to eat.

My heater was working overtime...at 27 degrees below zero...I could feel the harsh chill pressing against the doors and windows of my van...seeking even the tiniest of holes to gain entrance and attack me from all sides.

My feet stretched out beneath the dash...I listened to the haunting sounds of "Tennessee" by Hans Zimmer as I sipped a cup of steaming dark roasted coffee and gazed out at the utter beauty of Jehovah's creative work around me. My mind and heart began to overflow with simple appreciation for what I was able to see...and my brain began to rewind...back to the days when I used to sit inside a cell...back to the days when a single word sounded so foreign and unreal that to even speak it caused me to feel sunken and defeated...a simple word..."freedom".

But now...here I sat...years and years later...no locked doors...no one telling me what to do...or how to do it...and suddenly I felt a giant rush of utter gratitude and gratefulness that shook me to my core. 

Never had I experienced something like this...not even at the height of my excitement at getting out...not even while I was quite literally walking out of the prison a free man...never has anything moved me like it did this one single day. 

Why?

I don't get it...it just happened recently...and quite honestly...I haven't processed it all yet.

Maybe it was the music...suddenly "Rose's Theme" from the movie Titanic started to play...but for a brief moment...I wasn't there...I wasn't in my work van...I wasn't that pathetic little person who I truly am...suddenly I was tuned in...I was dialed into a side of me that I have been hiding from...for years.

I realized that I am free...but more than the silly little superficial freedom that I was thinking of.

I am free from my past...I am free from Jehovah's standpoint.

I've known this for years...the information wasn't new...but man, the feeling...that FEELING was.

I couldn't stop myself...and wouldn't have even if I could have...I wept.

To an outsider...man, I must have looked like I was crazy. I must have looked like a complete moron...sitting in that parking lot...overlooking a scenic view...blubbering away like an idiot...and I get it...that's okay.

But to Jehovah...to Jehovah...he saw me get it...and I know he was crying right along with me.

In that moment...I felt my Father's pat on the back...I felt his smile of approval...and then...out of the freakin' blue...my music stopped, interrupted by a phone call...a phone call from a brother.

He had texted me a few hours before asking me a question regarding some cheese...and I hadn't gotten back to him yet. He knew I was in his area...so he was just giving me a heads up as to where he would be in case I wanted to meet him.

Detecting, (meaning he heard me trying to quit sobbing like a pathetic moron), that something was wrong...he asked if I was okay...and after hearing my explanation...this dear brother took me to a verse...and I will now share that verse with you:

2 Corinthians 9:15: "Thanks be to God for his indescribable free gift."

He read it out loud...and then asked if I had ever done any research on the Greek word used to translate the English word "indescribable".

I was in no state to really think, so I just said no.

He said that the Greek word is "ἀνεκδιήγητος (anekdiēgētos)"...and that most Bible Scholars agree that Paul here...quite literally...made up a word on the spot...just so that he could describe...the indescribable.

This brother than said that...possibly...Paul had a similar experience as me...not for the same exact reasons...but that the feelings this dear brother had when writing about the ransom sacrifice left him with no known words to choose from to express himself...and thus...he simply termed the feeling as: indescribable!!

I felt that brother's words...felt them straight to the core of who I am...and thus I will end this blog post as I began: Have you ever been lost for words?