Assumptions Hurt Worse Than Scars

[Timl1980]

Please allow me to take you on a small journey with a woman named Leslie: 

 

Leslie grew up with scars across her face...thin white lines laced across her cheek, nose and forehead.

 

The scars were impossible to hide...and people misjudged them constantly.

 

Children assumed she'd been in one or more violent fights...adults assumed she'd been reckless when she was a child.

 

Strangers assumed she must be in a state of constant embarrassment from them...and while some would ask her about them, (forcing her to make up excuses when she was young), others would stare at them...then pretend they hadn't seen them or noticed them to begin with.

 

She made up all kinds of stories over the years about those plainly visible scars...but none of them were remotely true.

 

The truth was, her scars were actually a story of survival...for you see, Leslie had been horribly abused as an infant...and these scars were actually proof of her still being alive...they .were evidence that she had made it through...enduring such terrible horrific treatment by her own parents...as an infant!!

 

Just this year, her scars begin to fade...and almost immediately...people ONCE AGAIN began to "assume"...congratulating her...telling her how proud she must feel that they were finally starting to go away, becoming less visible.

 

All this did was prove how little these people actually knew about Leslie as a person...they only saw her scars. They didn't see that her scars defined her...they couldn't begin to fathom how a person could take comfort in their scars...and that is the exact same trap that I fell into a few weeks ago.

 

A few weeks ago I was asked to speak to a brother who had just come out of prison. Having spent over 15 years there myself, I immediately recognized a network of scars criss crossing his entire body...his criminal past, his history of bad mistake after bad mistake, even the "weight" I could now see sitting on his shoulders...I thought I had him pegged...I thought I knew EXACTLY what he needed...and I went straight in...chock full of spiritual advice and brilliant illustrations and comparisons from Hebrew and Greek words that would leave him reeling in amazement...except it didn't.

 

It left him broken and bruised... crushed under a feeling of not being "good enough"...of not being able to measure up to what "Tim" knew.

 

I didn't know it then...but he left our conversation feeling like a spiritual loser...when I had just spent over an hour explaining why he was precious to Jehovah.

 

That was my problem...I didn't listen.

 

My mouth overrode my ears...and I drowned out the pain in his voice with so called brilliant points and illustrations...when all he needed was someone to shut up and listen.

 

A little over a week later, an elder from his call called me and asked me to take a few minutes out to talk. I pulled my van over at the nearest gas station and sat listening as this dear brother said that while he appreciated the fact that I was just trying to help, I inadvertently caused MORE damage...and a couple of other elders were now working with him each week just so he would have some time to talk and get everything out that had been pent up over 12 and 1/2 years of incarceration. 

 

He explained that some of the things I had said simply didn't apply to this brother...because this brother has been horribly abused in his youth by his parents and others in his life who he had trusted deeply...and to make the situation worse...some of those people were now serving Jehovah in a nearby congregation. 

 

I had no words...because I had no clue...because I hadn't stopped to LISTEN to what this brother needed. Instead I mistook his scars for my own, and in the process, ended up making his situation worse by adding to his personal sense of guilt...when all I was trying to do was make him feel better. 

 

I asked what they had shared with him...and he took me to two accounts: 

 

2 Samuel 4:4: "Now Saul’s son Jonʹa·than had a son whose feet were crippled. He was five years old when the report about Saul and Jonʹa·than came from Jezʹre·el, and his nurse picked him up and fled, but as she was fleeing in panic, he fell and was crippled. His name was Me·phibʹo·sheth."

 

He said that everybody concentrates on mephibosheth in this verse, but hardly anybody thinks about the nurse in this account. 

 

What happened to her?

 

How did SHE feel living out the rest of her life seeing the damage she had caused and could not undo? 

 

After all, it's not like she had been careless. She was trying to save his life, but instead her panic left him paralyzed...and that single act shaped his entire life moving forward.

 

People may know that mephibosheth was paralyzed, people may know that the nurse did it by accident. But did anybody listen to their stories about how they felt about it afterwards? 

 

The Bible doesn't say, but it also doesn't say that either one of them held a grudge. 

 

Then he had me turn to Genesis 50:20: "Although you meant to harm me, God intended it to turn out well and to preserve many people alive, as he is doing today."

 

He said that while some scars come from accidents...other scars may come from acts of deliberate wrong doing...and he had me read the verse.

 

He said that Joseph's brothers meant him harm and yet Jehovah took that scar and wove it into his purpose...and he can do the same thing with us...if we let him.

 

He told me that emotional scars will never heal in this system...they don't disappear...they don't fade on command...they don't even respond to spiritual advice or spiritual "band aids".

 

Scars NEED SPACE to speak...to be be heard...they need someone safe to tell their story to...they need understanding...because they're NOT going to go away in this system...and we have to deal with the fact that they may be ugly...but that they are also REAL.

 

Every brother or sister we ever meet in this system has scars...some are plainly visible...others are so deeply buried only Jehovah sees them 

 

But every single scar has a story...I just have to listen when someone is ready to tell me about theirs...and I can't assume I know the scar because it looks similar to my own... because assumptions hurt worse than scars ever will.

[careful]

thank you Tim....this is all so true. We all say the wrong thing at times but with the right intention.  I know i have.  Helping other people is such a challenge.

[careful]

Its a little like the priest telling Hannah that she shouldnt be drunk in the temple.....He was right...only he didnt have all the facts and once he had them...well then he could see the situation clearly and could speak accurately.  If he had asked her first what was going on then he would have avoided those words spoken.  Its a good lesson for all of us in fact it seems the faithful slave is recently teaching us how to listen to others.  So dont feel broken about it just consider it a memorable lesson.  You are a very caring person.

[Jim Jam]

Thank you for your powerful testimony brother Tim

[Timl1980]

1 minute ago, careful said:

So dont feel broken about it just consider it a memorable lesson.  You are a very caring person.

 

Thank you, I've had some time to get my head back on straight after this was revealed to me. Initially I was horrified at my own stupidity, I know this lesson.

 

But the truth is, when I felt like I was in my "wheelhouse" of a deeper understanding than most other brothers and sisters would have regarding this KIND of scar...I jumped the gun instead of just listening to him talk about HIS experience.

 

I have since apologized and he said it was okay, but it's just a very valuable lesson for me personally.

 

Thank you for commenting, you're absolutely right!

[dljbsp]

1 hour ago, Timl1980 said:

But every single scar has a story

 

What happened does not define you, how you responded, does. You adjusted to counsel, you accepted responsibility, and you adjusted. That is spiritual strength.

 

Jehovah does not expect perfection from shepherds. He expects humility and teachability. Psalm 51:17 reminds us: “The sacrifices pleasing to God are a broken spirit; a heart broken and crushed, O God, you will not reject.” Jehovah did not reject you here—He refined you.

 

You apologized. You learned. You used the lesson protect others. That is exactly how Jehovah turns a painful moment into lasting good.

 

Hold your head up. Stay alert. Keep listening first. Jehovah clearly trusts you to keep growing—and so do we.

I do have a question, Is Leslie our sister?

YB

[Timl1980]

27 minutes ago, dljbsp said:

I do have a question, Is Leslie our sister?

 

To my knowledge, no. I was researching the topic of scars and her name and story popped up, and I thought it was fitting for this post.