Sometimes You Just NEED...To Say It Out Loud!

[Timl1980]

"Go on Tim...don't be afraid: Just SAY it."

 

"Okay...okay..." Swallows hard, takes a deep breath...steels myself. Then forces the words out through clenched teeth: "I'm alone...I'm all alone...and I'm scared."

 

"Keep going...get it all out."

 

"I...I am tired of being by myself. I'm...I'm so TIRED of coming home to an empty house...of no longer being able to hear her laughter fill the house...I'm tired of the utter silence. I just want to go to sleep...I don't want to be awake without her. The silence is deafening...everything I do is meaningless and hollow without her by my side."

 

This, my dear friends...was a very real conversation I had with my therapist last week.

 

Is it true?

 

Yes...and no.

 

It's how I FEEL...but it's also not the truth.

 

Jehovah is right by my side...I can feel him there...next to me...sitting beside me through my grief. 

 

My brothers and sisters are there...all I have to do is let them in...allow them to share my pain. But it feels cruel to do so...because I keep bringing up the same wound...the same gaping hole that cannot be filled right now. I keep beating them over the head with the same facts...the same issue over and over again...how long until they get sick of hearing about it...how long until they get sick of hearing from...me?

 

I KNOW the answer...but allowing my brain to convince my heart...that's a whole separate issue.

 

I approached a brother after that session with my new therapist...and he listened quietly as I shared how it went. 

 

After I had emptied myself out...after I had fallen into a miserable silence...the brother asked me to take my Bible and open to an account where Jehovah had to deal with something very similar...and that's why I'm writing this post...to share his point with all of you... so that anyone who might be having similar feelings may be able to get a tiny bit of comfort from this dear brothers wisdom.

 

Haggai 2: 2-4: "Please ask Ze·rubʹba·bel son of She·alʹti·el, the governor of Judah, and Joshua son of Je·hozʹa·dak, the high priest, and the rest of the people: 3 ‘Who is left among you who saw this house in its former glory? How does it look to you now? Does it not seem like nothing in comparison?’ 4 “‘But now be strong, Ze·rubʹba·bel,’ declares Jehovah, ‘and be strong, Joshua son of Je·hozʹa·dak, the high priest.’ “‘And be strong, all you people of the land,’ declares Jehovah, ‘and work.’ “‘For I am with you,’ declares Jehovah of armies."

 

The setting?

 

The Israelites were celebrating the Festival of Booths, the brother told me 

Here they are...staring at the new temple...and Jehovah KNEW what they were thinking...but did he tell them they were wrong? Did he put them down for standing there gazing at what some of them, (especially the older Israelites), felt was a pathetic comparison to Solomon's temple?

 

No...but he DID force their private thoughts out into the open...and he did it by simply saying it OUT LOUD.

 

WHY WOULD HE DO THAT??

 

We are told over and over again not to compare ourselves to others, or even to compare past versions of ourself. So why would Jehovah TELL them to actually look back, to actually compare Solomon's Temple with what was sitting in front of them right now? 

 

The brother told me that by doing so, Jehovah broke the power that such thoughts had in their minds if it would have stayed private. 

 

The brother compared it to a doctor asking you where it hurts and then poking the spot you identify...you have to identify where the pain is actually coming from.

 

Jehovah allowed their heads to turn backwards one time...before directing them forward once more.

 

My therapist broke a few things down to me last week just by asking me some very simple questions and allowing me to answer: it's not like I didn't KNOW them...of course I knew that I came home to an empty house, of course I KNEW about the thousand Little things that didn't seem important when she was here but now have turned into tiny needles that poke me repeatedly every time I step into our house. 

 

But I had never sent those things OUT LOUD...and even though I didn't know why it made a difference...it did. 

The brother pointed out that, just as Jehovah wasn't asking the Israelites to choose which temple they liked better, he's not asking me to choose which version of my life I prefer...or which version I was the happiest in. 

 

The Israelites already KNEW what they preferred...just as I'm painfully aware of which version of my own life I prefer.

Jehovah holds the ultimate answer for that part anyway...that wasn't the point.

The brother also pointed out that the festival of booths would have reminded them that at one point, their ancestors had no permanent home at all...and yet Jehovah was still with them. 

 

The brother said the Jehovah isn't asking me to PROVE to him that the life I have now...that this life FEELS as good as the life I had when my wife was here.

He's using this therapist to force me to say aloud all the things I've kept inside...and then, as he did with the Israelites...he's immediately redirecting my gaze back towards him.

 

He's saying: "YES, Tim...I KNOW what yesterday looked like...but now...I'm here...I'm with you...and I need you to focus on what we can build together right now...until I can bring you and your wife back together forever!"

 

For anyone needing this message...for anyone who can understand how that FEELS...may Jehovah continue to bless you...and may he give you the strength to say the things you need to say...out loud.