Jokes

[tagyourit33]

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.

Then, the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room. "What the heck's wrong with you?" He demanded. "This woman is 68 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren , and you told her she was pregnant???!!!"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:.........."Does she still have the hiccups?

[Brother_Bliss]

Does she still have the hiccups?

That is hilarious!

[aPeacefulButterfly]

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to

set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I

will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.... See More

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed

across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power

went off..

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known... See More

in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their

computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from

the past two hours of work..

Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all

his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES

[Brother_Bliss]

JESUS SAVES

Now that was funny!

[aPeacefulButterfly]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND

THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.

WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE;

MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST

APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME

NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD

TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK

HIGH SCHOOL ..

'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED FACED,

FAT,

GRAY-HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

SON-OF-A-GUN,

ASKED,

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???

[tagyourit33]

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh good one!!!

[aPeacefulButterfly]

A little Biblical humor...

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth ?

A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?

A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?

A. Pharaoh's daughter She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a

Little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

A. God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David 's Triumph

was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles

were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?

A.. Samson . He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ?

A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?

A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?

A. The area around Jordan . The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?

A. David He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?

A. Joshua , son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?

A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. (.)

[gloreeoreo]

i love this...it's really funny!! a pioneer in our hall is all the time seeing ppl she went to school with and they always look way older than her!

[tagyourit33]

Glad you liked it Gloria, and its so nice to have you back, I missed your company!!!

[aPeacefulButterfly]

THE HUSBAND STORE

A store that sells JW husbands has just opened in New York City,

where a sister may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions

at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the brothers increase as

the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch..........

you may choose any brother from a particular floor, or you may

choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to

exit the building!

So, a sister goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These brothers have jobs and love Jehovah.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These brothers have jobs, love Jehovah, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These brothers have jobs, love Jehovah, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These brothers have jobs, love Jehovah, love kids, and are drop-dead good looking and helps with the housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!

'Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These brothers have jobs, love Jehovah, are currently serving as shepherds of the flock, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor.

There are no men on this floor. This floor exists

solely as proof that sisters are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Watch your step as you exit the building,

and have a nice day!

[Brother_Bliss]

This floor exists solely as proof that sisters are impossible to please.

Oh... and.... um.... er.... yeah!

[aPeacefulButterfly]

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups.. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his Dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His Dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

The Sermon this Mom will never forget ... This particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust.' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

[Brother_Bliss]

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

Oh my!! I would have died right there!

[aPeacefulButterfly]

I want some butt dust!!!

[tagyourit33]

Reasoning With the Sisters (just for fun):

Introductions...

1. I'm talking to our sisters about where to find a practical husband to help them cope with problems of life. In the past, many sisters showed interest in brothers. But we live in a time when attitudes are changing. How do you feel about them? . . . Do you believe that brothers are just good friends? . . . If you are interested in a brother, how can you be sure he is the right one?

2. CURRENT EVENT APPROACH: Good evening. My name is ____ ____. I'm a brother from (name congregation). Did you see the TV news last night? . . That report on (mention some current item of concern, but do not talk about cars or sports), what did you think about it? . . . It is not unusual for sisters to be concerned about these issues, but I believe that we are living in a time when we should be getting to know each other better. (Ask her to go out witnessing.)

3. LOVE/KINDNESS APPROACH: I have found many sisters are quite concerned about the lack of available brothers in the surrounding congregations. Do you feel that way too? . . . Why do you think this is the trend? . . . Did you know that I was interested in you? (Explain the reason why.)

4. WHEN SISTERS SAY: "I'm Busy." Hi. My name is ____ ____, I wanted to discuss with you how we can get to know each other better. But I can see that you are busy (or about to go home). May we get together for lunch on Saturday after field service and discuss it further?

How you might respond to potential conversation stoppers...

1. "I'M NOT INTERESTED"

(a) May I ask, do you mean that you are not interested in me or is it brothers in general that don't interest you? I ask that because I have met many sisters who at one time were interested in brothers, but aren't anymore because they think brothers are hypocritical; (or they feel brothers are chauvinistic; or they feel brothers today are not spiritual enough, etc.) I don't approve of such attitudes myself and if you get to know me I believe we could both look to the future with confidence.

( If you mean that you're not interested in having another boyfriend, I can understand that. But more likely you are interested in your future. Can you see any prospect for a relationship in the future?

© Is that because you already have a boyfriend? . . Tell me, do you think you will ever see a time when it will work out? . . . What seems to stand in the way?

2. "I'M NOT INTERESTED IN YOU"

(a) Many sisters tell me that. Have you ever wondered why brothers like myself keep trying, even though sisters generally may not be interested?

( I can appreciate that, because I used to feel the same way about a sister. But, just to be fair, I decided to listen to her. And I found out that I hadn't been told the truth about her. Now we are good friends.

COMING SOON

Insight On the Sisters. . .already seven volumes, and continuing to grow.

[tagyourit33]

Did you hear about a new publication called Questions Old People Ask and Forget the Answers?

[ginabina]

oooh, i need to read that! LOL

[aPeacefulButterfly]

Little Zachary was doing quite badly in math. His parents had tried everything. tutors, mentors, flash cards, Special learning Centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school..After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was

hard at work.

His mother was amazed She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold

her curiosity. ... See More

She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. 'Well, then,' she replied, 'Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?' Little Zachary looked at her and said,

'On the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

[tagyourit33]

Good one!!!

[aPeacefulButterfly]

YOU MIGHT BE A JEHOVAH'S WITNESS IF....

If 'pioneer' is not a stereo,

'new light' is not something in the house wares department, and

'tract' has nothing to do with land or farming.

If you know when Nisan 14 is and yet you commonly forget your own birthday....

If 'Memorial Day' isn't in May.

If you spent days at a baseball stadium, never saw a ball, and didn't even have a beer.

If you think 'formal clothing' and 'civic center' belong in the same sentence.

If you wash windows or cars for a living and still own five suits.

If you think nothing of letting your friends stop by to use the bathroom.

If you know the cleanliness of every coffee shop for four towns around.

If you think 2-door vehicles aren't really cars.

If you go to Home Depot and go down the aisle where doors are displayed

and you feel compelled to knock on them.

If you can't buy a pair of shoes without thinking about how comfortable they will need to be while walking residential streets in 95-degree heat.

If you have a tendency to refer to books by color instead of by title.

If you have a shelf just for 192-page books.

If you can't pick up a book, or anything else to read,

without picking up a pencil or highlighter too.

If you think it is complimentary to refer to someone as 'a study.'

If you have 'get-togethers' rather than 'parties.'

If, after one of such 'get-togethers' at your home, your house is not

a mess and you have more food than when you started.

If you realize things are getting worse, and you're thrilled.

[Brother_Bliss]

Did you hear about a new publication called Questions Old People Ask and Forget the Answers?

You mean this one?

[tagyourit33]

Oh my, this is priceless...thanks for sharing Bob

[ginabina]

where did you get that???

[ginabina]

and....can I borrow it? ;-)

[Brother_Bliss]

and....can I borrow it? ;-)

Yes. Use the Search function at the top to look for "Old People Ask". There were 2 other threads with PDF files that won't have a JWTalk watermark on it.