Jokes

[Celebratelifecoach]

Test for Dementia

Below are four ( 4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?

!

How's 1 out of 5. Thanks for sharing a morning smile.

[Musky]

Mt. Rushmore from the Canadian side.

[GrumpysWife]

Mt. Rushmore from the Canadian side.

That is funny.

[destiny]

am i missing something?

[Musky]

am i missing something?

Always!

[destiny]

am i missing something?

Always!

you are so predictable, i thought you were going to respond " yes, humor":P

[Musky]

am i missing something?

Always!

you are so predictable, i thought you were going to respond " yes, humor":P

Yes, you left a good straight line that was hard to pass up. LOL

But, seriously, what were you confused about?

[destiny]

am i missing something?

Always!

you are so predictable, i thought you were going to respond " yes, humor":P

Yes, you left a good straight line that was hard to pass up. LOL

But, seriously, what were you confused about?

umm.....all the 'butt exposures' ?.... duh!......

[GrumpysWife]

am i missing something?

Always!

you are so predictable, i thought you were going to respond " yes, humor":P

Yes, you left a good straight line that was hard to pass up. LOL

But, seriously, what were you confused about?

umm.....all the 'butt exposures' ?.... duh!......

:oops:Guess my wacky sense of humor got the best of me.

[Musky]

:oops:Guess my wacky sense of humor got the best of me.

No, your gif was funny! I think she is confused about the picture I posted. It's the backside of this picture Dawn:

[destiny]

:oops:Guess my wacky sense of humor got the best of me.

No' date=' your gif was funny! I think she is confused about the picture I posted. It's the backside of this picture Dawn:

[/quote'] Oh is it really? i am so lost.....LOL.......

[boodles]

Glad I don't live on the "Canadian Side"!

Have you heard these?

1. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?

2. What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

3. Why did Pilgrims' pants always fall down?

4. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

5. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

6. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

Answers:

1. Sanka

2. Nacho cheese

3. They wore their belt buckle on their hat!

4. Anyone can roast beef

5. Because they have big fingers

6. The location of the dirt bag

[ytvr]

Noah's age when the flood --> Gen 7:11

[Hammerhead]

An older man has been going to the same pet store for many years. One day there is a parrot in the back corner. The man picks up his dog food and the parrot calls him over to the corner. Well the parrot tells the man he looks old hes ugly and just insults him. Well the man is not happy and the following week the ssame thing happens. A week later the prrot calls him over proceeds to insult him again and the man has had enough. He goes to the manager, and proceeds to telll him hes been a loyal customer for many years and explains how the parrot haas been insulting him. Well the manager assures him it wont happen again. The next week the parrot calls the man over to him looks him in the eye and says "you know"

[DLM]

JOKE OF THE YEAR

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.

[GrumpysWife]

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside 

cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, 

and begins to read her book.The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her. 

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. 

For all I know you could start at any moment. 

I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment.. 

For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: 

Never argue with a woman who reads.It's likely she can also think. 

[GrumpysWife]

Senior Personal Ads

Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers:

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim,5'-4" (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six- unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

[destiny]

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

that's cute.

[Mrs. Musky]

Senior Personal Ads Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers: FOXY LADY: Sexy' date=' fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim,5'-4" (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well. LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six- unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem. SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy. BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes. MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.[/quote'] cute one, Vernalee!

[Micah]

A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care or the economy when you don't know crap?"

Then she went back to reading her book.

[rocket]

Disappearing car prank

This is clever prank and good for a laugh or two…

http://wimp.com/disappearingprank/

[Ann]

HIS AND HER DIARY FOR THE SAME DAY

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why.

[GrumpysWife]

Disappearing car prank

This is clever prank and good for a laugh or two…

http://wimp.com/disappearingprank/

My friend did this to my son when he was 16. We had a resturant and he worked in it. He left his keys there one day after work because his brother picked him up. He then took my key and forgot about the one he left at the resturant. When he went to work the next day he parked in his usual place. She moved his car across the street and also changed his radio station to Country music. He came home that day and told me about it and said, Mum I think my car is possessed. Next day she did the same thing only changed the radio to classical music. He got in his car and freaked out. He called me to come and get him because he couldn't drive his car. I told him to ask Deenie about it. She told him about her prank and gave him his extra key. He sure was shook up through.

We still get a good laugh about it because he was such a practical joker.

[bohemian]

Disappearing car prank

This is clever prank and good for a laugh or two…

http://wimp.com/disappearingprank/

My friend did this to my son when he was 16. We had a resturant and he worked in it. He left his keys there one day after work because his brother picked him up. He then took my key and forgot about the one he left at the resturant. When he went to work the next day he parked in his usual place. She moved his car across the street and also changed his radio station to Country music. He came home that day and told me about it and said, Mum I think my car is possessed. Next day she did the same thing only changed the radio to classical music. He got in his car and freaked out. He called me to come and get him because he couldn't drive his car. I told him to ask Deenie about it. She told him about her prank and gave him his extra key. He sure was shook up through.

We still get a good laugh about it because he was such a practical joker.

[rocket]

Disappearing car prank

This is clever prank and good for a laugh or two…

http://wimp.com/disappearingprank/

My friend did this to my son when he was 16. We had a resturant and he worked in it. He left his keys there one day after work because his brother picked him up. He then took my key and forgot about the one he left at the resturant. When he went to work the next day he parked in his usual place. She moved his car across the street and also changed his radio station to Country music. He came home that day and told me about it and said, Mum I think my car is possessed. Next day she did the same thing only changed the radio to classical music. He got in his car and freaked out. He called me to come and get him because he couldn't drive his car. I told him to ask Deenie about it. She told him about her prank and gave him his extra key. He sure was shook up through.

We still get a good laugh about it because he was such a practical joker.

That's a Good one !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!