Jokes

[Good-O]

OOPS! I failed the Dementia test - I still work part time as a nurse in a nursing home - guess I better find myself a room! One good thing: it is special territory in which to preach! At one time our CO gave that assignment to a very elderly special pioneer couple - the NH was their territory! Thanks for the joke.

[rocket]

$5.37! That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo.

Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"

I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind.

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck.

I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.

What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus.

The car seat in the back seat.

Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.

A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba,

I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag.

His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

Notice the larger type? That's for those of us who have trouble reading.

P.S. Save the earth...... It's the only planet with chocolate!!!!

[Debbie]

P.S. Save the earth...... It's the only planet with chocolate!!!!

And that about says it all Lynn! Thanks for posting!

[rocket]

I used to have blond hair but then as I approached fourty, I very quickly grew out of my hair and now I don't even have blond roots. As a result blond jokes, as stupid as they are, no longer offend me. I am hoping they don't offend you either and if it does, well just tell me a bald joke to get even. Here's an oldie and I am positive that it does not involve Musky or Mrs. Musky:

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?

I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blond. "What the h@&& are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over, so now we're going to Sea World."

[krisma]

$5.37! That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo.

Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"

I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind.

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck.

I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.

What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus.

The car seat in the back seat.

Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.

A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba,

I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag.

His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

Notice the larger type? That's for those of us who have trouble reading.

P.S. Save the earth...... It's the only planet with chocolate!!!!

That is SOO funny!

[krisma]

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over, so now we're going to Sea World."

Too funny!

[sweetwillow58]

It doesn't hurt to have a little Biblical humor to start the day....

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?

A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?

A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?

A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a

little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph

was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles

were all in one Accord.

Q.. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?

A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ?

A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?

A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Middle East was especially wealthy?

A. The area around Jordan . The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?

A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?

A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?

A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. ( Groan.)

PS... Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?

Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . 'He-brews'

KEEP SMILING!!!! GOD LOVES YOU BUNCHES AND BUNCHES!!!!

Friends are God's way of taking care of us.

We'll be friends until we are old and senile. Then we'll be new friends!

[sweetwillow58]

Lynn that blond joke was awesome!! I really am roflmbopmp (rolling on floor laughing my butt off peeing my pants) old lady bladder lol

[rocket]

Lynn that blond joke was awesome!! I really am roflmbopmp (rolling on floor laughing my butt off peeing my pants) old lady bladder lol

It tickled me to.

Take care, don't wana make to big a mess. They do sell adult pampers by the box. They come in handy at our age for one reason or another.

[Karaleen]

Joke of the Week....

At the Border: A man was riding a bicycle and on the back of his bike was a sack.

Customs: "Have you anything to declare?"

Man: "No"

Customs: "And what do you have in the sack?"

Man: "Sand."

By inspection it was found to be only sand.

A whole week long each day the man came with his bike and sack of sand.

On the eighth day the official was still not convinced:

Customs. "What is in the sack?"

Man: "Sand."

Customs: "Hmm, we shall see about that..."

The sand was put through a strainer this time and the outcome: just sand.

The man kept coming every day through the border.

Two weeks later it was just plain too much for the official so he sent the sack of sand to the Lab. Outcome? just sand.

After another full month of this "sand transportation" the official could not stand it and he asked the man, "OK I will give it to you in wriitng that nothing will happen to you, but I am sure you are smuggling - Please tell me what it is!"

Man: Bicycles!"

[Karaleen]

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: Enjoy!!

*************************************************************

1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

*************************************************************

2. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

*************************************************************

3. There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.

*************************************************************

4. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

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5. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

*************************************************************

7. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight

245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

*************************************************************

8. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.

*************************************************************

9. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

*************************************************************

10. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

*************************************************************

11. "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children... or other adults acting like children."

*************************************************************

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

*************************************************************

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

*************************************************************

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault ...it was the asphalt."

*************************************************************

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

*************************************************************

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

*************************************************************

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

*************************************************************

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and he warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

*************************************************************

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

*************************************************************

20. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

*************************************************************

21. AND on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.

I know this was a repeat but it always makes me laugh.

[rocket]

A short while after we built our new Kingdom Hall the decision was made to put in the Library a computer. When the sisters found out that it was going to have windows they all got together to pick out drapes. With 7 windows you have to have drapes right.

[Karaleen]

A short while after we built our new Kingdom Hall the decision was made to put in the Library a computer. When the sisters found out that it was going to have windows they all got together to pick out drapes. With 7 windows you have to have drapes right.

Yeah RIGHT! LOL!!!

[GrumpysWife]

Arrogance of Authority

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!

No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

(I just love this part....)

"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"

[JahPrazer4Ever]

Two hillbillies are having lunch when a woman seated nearby begins to choke.

Hillbilly asks her,"kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

Hillbilly asks her "kin ya breathe?"

Woman shakes her head no.

Hillbilly walks over,lifts up her dress, yanks down her britches and licks her butt cheek.

The woman has a violent spasm and spits out food.

The hillbilly's buddy says "ya know,I heerd of that there hind lick maneuver but I aint niver seed nobody do it"

)'>

[GrumpysWife]

Two hillbillies are having lunch when a woman seated nearby begins to choke. Hillbilly asks her' date='"kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Hillbilly asks her "kin ya breathe?" Woman shakes her head no. Hillbilly walks over,lifts up her dress, yanks down her britches and licks her butt cheek. The woman has a violent spasm and spits out food. The hillbilly's buddy says "ya know,I heerd of that there hind lick maneuver but I aint niver seed nobody do it" )'>[/quote'] That was soooooo funny.

[Brother_Bliss]

A study has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire. No further studies are expected on this subject.

[GrumpysWife]

S T A T E * T R O O P E R

A Kentucky senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Kentucky State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Kentucky State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

[GrumpysWife]

TELL ME THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN TO US

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report

that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she

explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've

stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and

even the accelerator!' she cried.. The dispatcher said,

'Stay calm... An officer is on the way.' A few minutes

later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says.

'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!

________________________________________________________________________

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house

together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts

her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters,

'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The

94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come

up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses

'Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is

sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her

sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I

never get that forgetful, knock on wood...' She then

yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as

I see who's at the door.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!!

________________________________________________________________________

'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf

one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy,

isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied,

'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in,

'So am I. Let's have a beer.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!!

_______________________________________________________________________

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a

nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of

her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to

an elderly man in a wheelchair.. Flipping her gown at him,

she said, 'Supersex...' He sat silently for a moment

or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the

soup.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!!

__________________________________________________________________

Now this one is just too Precious...LOL!

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over

the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and

adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to

meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the

other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me .... I know

we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't

think of your name! I've thought And thought, but I

can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is..

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she

just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How

soon do you need to know?'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!!

_______________________________________________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car

phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice

urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news

that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.

Please be careful!' 'Heck,' said Herman,

'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

_________________________________________________________________

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both

could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising

along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red,

but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger

seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could

have sworn we just went Through a red light.'

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection

and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The

woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light

had been red but was really concerned that she was losing

it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red

and they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman

and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran

through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us

both!'

Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'

[Debbie]

A study has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire. No further studies are expected on this subject.

Funny Bob!!!

[Karaleen]

A study has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive......

Oh that is just too funny and sadly sometimes true~

[Ella Mentry]

Winging his way to America from Ireland, Father O'Leary asked a stewardess, "How high is this plane, Miss?"

The stewardess replied, "About thirty-two thousand feet, Father."

The Father's jaw dropped in amazement. "Who'd have believed it?

And could ye tell me how wide it is?"

[rocket]

A study has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire. No further studies are expected on this subject.

Yep that's about right ! Haven't had to shave above my upper lip for going on twenty years now, just like honey.

[GrumpysWife]

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.

These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

---------- ----------------

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..

-- ------------------------

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slo gan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

[JahPrazer4Ever]

I finally figured out why I am fat! I should have figured it out sooner. It's the shampoo I use in the shower. When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body. Printed very clearly on the shampoo label it reads, "FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY." I have gotten rid of the shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap. On its label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem Solved (If only it were that easy!)