The Silence Between me...And Jehovah!

[kejedo]

On 8/16/2026 at 7:01 PM, Timl1980 said:

it's not easy when it feels like I'm 30 ft below the surface of an ocean and I'm struggling to kick my way back up to the surface just to take a single breath of fresh air before I get sucked back under. 

 

I know Jehovah is there, he's already proven that many times over. It's on me to stay close to him, it's just a little bit harder when I feel like Satan and his demons have climbed onto my back and are refusing to let go.

 

 

 I  use a number line to help steady myself. If I was at negative 30, I would have to fold the number line around zero, (no kicking,) and find myself at a positive map spot. No kicking, just integrity. Integrity is from the word integer which means a whole number, no fractional parts. Bed, stretch and think of positive  experiences like your second paragraph above and  feel the folding of that number line. Still posited at a negative spot?, multiply, don't add more negatives, but multiplying a negative by a negative yields a positive result. Someone messaged me that one of my math examples was emotionally helpful. Math has always been emotionally comforting to  me. Keep sharing your expressive, transparent thoughts.  Helpful to all  of us. YS, the mathematically  comforted one.

 

[jdcarlson]

My dear brother,

 

I have not followed all of your posts here, but I have read many of them.

 

I know a little bit about the situation with your wife's health, and the difficulties both of you are facing in trying to get her the medical care she needs. Many times those of us who have spent our whole life in just one country do not comprehend the difficulties individuals in another country face because "the way things operate" are so different from what we are used to.

 

I can appreciate your emotional distress. I know you used to post comments about each paragraph in the Watchtower study for each week. I would "cheat" by copying your comments for each paragraph and then paste them in the space for each paragraph where the week's study article is put in the sections of JW Library for the meetings.

 

Having feelings of "guilt" or "despair" are not uncommon when we realize that we could have done certain things in the past. Several years ago my wife's mental state began to deteriorate, especially short term memory. Thankfully, as a CPA I had several older clients and I was able to talk with them about various facilties in the area. I finally settled on a retirement facility quite cose to our house. They have "Independent Living" apartments, provisions for "assisted living" and a section for "skilled nursing." Quite by accident it is the same facility the social worker helped my mother find for my father when his dementia surfaced 25 years ago. He made a decent living for us. We never lacked for anything. But my parents did not have the resources for this facility. The social worker found a "Medicaid Qualified" bed at this facility for my father. My father was at the point that he could not remember everyone's name. He did not understand everything that was said. But, to him, it was VERY important that he be at the Kingdom Hall every Sunday for the Publc Talk and the Watchtower Study. When I would drive out here to pick him up, the staff here would have him already dressed with a coat and a tie. I did not have to get him dressed. My wonderment was:  "Who does that for a MEDICAID patient?"  I was very thankful for the dignity and kindness they showed him, even if he was here with MEDICAID instead of paying like the rest of the patients.

 

So, my wife and I moved out here eight years ago. We were here together in the "independent living" apartment for about 18 months, and then my wife's memory problems REALLY surfaced. It got to the point that there were four nights in a row that I had to call my son at bedtime. He had to get out of bed, get dressed, and drive out here to tell his mother that he knew I was his father and her husband. He had lived with us, or in the same neighborhood, for over 50 years. On the fifth night she would not even believe him. I called the "wellness office" here and they sent a nurse and a security guard. The nurse finally convinced my wife it was appropriate for us to sleep in the same bed. So, we went to bed.

 

Then I got a call from the Administrator of the facility. She said: "I want to help any way I can, but I cannot send a nurse to your apartment every night to convince you wife to let you sleep in the same bed with her. She needs to be in our memory care unit (i.e., "skilled nursing" - dementia/Alzheimers' care).

 

When a person with the training, experience, expertise, and authority tells you that, it kind of takes the decision out of your hands. My wife was transferred to the memory care/dementia/Alzheimers' unit.

 

When you must do something like that you always wonder "what did I do wrong" or "what did I not do right" or "what else should I have done"  etc., etc., . . . 

 

When I would go to visit her, she was not the same young, energetic, vibrant, energetic young woman I married 62 years earlier. I found the visits extremely difficult. As a result, I did not go as ofter as I should have.

 

She died February 1st of this year.

 

So now the guilt is really there about not doing enough, or not doing the right things, etc, etc. /////After all, she had put up with me for over 62 years. She deserved some consideration for that.

 

I can imagine how you have felt "down" with all of the things you have endured.

 

One experience has helped me. There was an older brother in our congregation whose health had declined to the point that he was not physically able to do field service, get to the Kingdom Hall, or do anything else. He was VERY depressed. When the Circuit Overseer was at our congregation he visited the brother. The brother's son-in-law was there with the Circuit Overseer and told me about the conversation.

 

Circuit Overseer:

Ben, do you remember the very first house you called on the first time you went in the field ministry?

 

Ben:

Yes.

 

Circuit Overseer:

Do you remember the second house you went to in the field ministry?

 

Ben:

No.

 

Circuit Overseer:

What about the third house or the fourth house? Do you remember them?

 

Ben:

No

 

Circuit Overseer:

Well, Jehovah remembers that first house you called on the first time you went in field service. He also remembers the second house. He also remembers the third and fourth houses you called on. In fact, he remembers EVERY HOUSE you ever called on in the DECADES when you were regular in the ministry. And, he does not, and will not, forget all of the other things you have done in building Kingdom Halls, preparing hour talks and presenting them, the people you conducted a bible study with, the times you and another Elder went to visit one of Jehovah's dear ones who had a problem.

He will never forget all of those things, even if you cannot remember them. Jehovah will never abandon his faithful ones, and he will never abandon you. Just keep thinking about him and pray to him regularly. He will NOT forget.

 

Hearing Ben's son-in-law relate that experience he had when he went with the Circuit Overseer to visit the brother has given me considerable help.

 

Yes, I have made mistakes.

 

Yes, I have at times failed to do something as well as it could have been done.

 

Psalms 130:3 is very comforting:   

If errors were what you watch, O Jah, Then who, O Jehovah, could stand?

 

Jehovah does not keep track of our mistakes. He keeps track of how we have tried.

 

About 30 years ago an instructor at an Elders' School said:

"Jehovah is not praised by our success. He is praised by our efforts."

 

I am sooo thankful Jehovah has not kept a tally of my mistakes.

 

I am thankful that he and his son cared enough for their human creation that when Satan rebelled, they established the Kingdom Arrangement with the Ransom Provision.  Even though is was extremely physically and emotionally painful for Jehovah's son, and emotionally painful for Jehovah to watch his son go through it, they went ahead and set up the Kingdom Arrangement with the Ranson Provision for us.  There is not any more they could have done. It hurt both of them VERY much, but they still put it all together for us anyway. That shows the extent of the love that both of them have for their human creation.

 

I am so VERY thankful for that. 

 

Thanks,

 

Jim

[J.B]

On 8/16/2026 at 1:39 PM, Timl1980 said:

And somewhere in the middle of all this chaos, my spiritual voice dimmed. Not because I stopped loving Jehovah. Not because I don’t care. But because I’ve been mentally and emotionally exhausted in a way I don’t know how to explain to anyone...not even to Jehovah.

 

Wow. I just realised this is from a few days ago.. I hope your doing better Tim.. I can just tell from your well written message, that Jehovah cherish your entries, every time you pray, I can imagine Jehovah's excitement, Jesus on the edge of his seat, all the angels looking down with anticipation and eagerness thinking "what is he going to tell our father now?" and Jehovah is there, with his book of remembrance ready, on a fresh new page, and he's like "Tim, just say the words.. I'll hang onto every single one.. I'll write it down, I'll cherish it." Jehovah doesn't want you to "pause" your prayers like you can do on a recorder. He doesn't want to strain to listen to you. He wants your words, your voice.. to flow.. as he writes, almost like a river! So don't stop, he cherishes your voice. 

 

The truth is.. your words have truly touched me. I actually couldn't read this in one go. It's just what I needed. I stopped about 4-5 times throughout, each time I read the following lines:

 

"I don’t have some powerful spiritual comeback story."

 

"there is temporary pain in serving Jehovah" 

 

"...but there is everlasting death in choosing the other side." 

 

"Jehovah misses your thoughts too! Not your performance...not your “perfection”...no, he misses your thoughts...the ones you used to give him...the ones you still want to give him even if you don’t know how."

 

"the silence between me and my best friend is something that I can no longer endure."

 

Each line has made me cry. I type this now with dry fingers, dry tears all over my face, and a new set of tears threatening to spill out. Because the truth is.. I thrive with joy in the presence of my brothers and sisters. A spiritual bubble that keeps me euphoric. But in private, I just about hold it together.. it's as if I lack that joy deep down, and so when you say you've "been mentally and emotionally exhausted in a way I don’t know how to explain to anyone...not even to Jehovah," nothing more needs to be said. I feel like I can relate.  

 

My prayers go quite from time to time, but I think I'm at a point Jehovah knows I need him most. I feel like he's using what's around me to keep drawing me in, for example, the other day, I was emotionally and mentally, both exhausted and overwhelmed to the point that I was hyperventilating. I then looked on the 'whats new' section on JW Library, I saw the new excerpt on "Pursue What Builds Loyalty - Self-Control" I couldn't watch it then, because I needed to turn to the scriptures. But the next day, I watched the video.. and I cried.. because again it felt like Jah telling me "I see you, I see what your going through, I see the mental struggle, I see your pain, but I now, you can do it.. because I don't want to see my slave girl like this." So, what is Jehovah using, to keep drawing you in? To keep you close?

 

I look forward to when that video is played at the midweek meeting in 2-3 weeks time. I love a hug from Jehovah when I'm low. Until then, you've built my determination to "unpause" my voice recording to Jah, and continue to share my load of thoughts with Him. Like you said, not the performance others see.. so each time I want to share my thoughts but I don't know how, I'll try, I'll keep pushing, I'll persevere in praying. I want my prayers to "flow" like yours! I want Jehovah to keep filling my section in his book of remembrance too. 

 

I'm glad you were able to go to the meeting. Celebrate your wins, even if you think they're small.. because Jehovah.. he beams at the little you do for him, and I know he was glad you were in his house, and I can imagine the angels flying midheaven with joy, at the fact that you were at the Hall, for your friend, your God- Jehovah.

 

I'll keep your wife in my prayers 😊.

Edited 8 hours ago by J.B

[Timl1980]

Good morning, thank you very much to everyone who has posted a comment or send an emoji or sent me a personal message through DM. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in how I feel, it's comforting to know that I'm not the only one who has experienced these types of issues. Even though I KNOW I'm not, it's comforting when other people share their thoughts and feelings on one of my posts. I'm trying to get back to my spiritual routine, honestly sometimes I feel like it's a sputtering motor that is running out of  fuel. Trying to refuel amidst everything that is going on is very difficult.

 

Eventually I'll get there, but for right now I'm okay with puttering along until my tanks get restocked. I don't intentionally try to make my posts sappy or overwhelmingly emotional. Mostly I just sit down and allow my thoughts to come spilling out onto the page, tumbling over each other till they have some semblance of structure and meaning. Lately my thoughts have been jumbled and confused, like everything was being ran through an industrial size washing machine. 

 

I'm grateful to Jehovah that my words seem to strike a chord with some of you, because that means that there is an interchange of encouragement occurring, no matter how small it may be. 

 

I actually managed to make a couple of comments on last week's Watchtower study at our meeting, it felt comfortable to get back into the groove. I'm going to attempt to post this week's Watchtower study comments on here, it's almost like I'm running an experiment to see if my spiritual brain is working again. 

 

Thanks again for all the comments and emojis, and just know that the personal expression have encouraged me as well!

Edited 4 hours ago by Timl1980

[cme]

Soon Tim, we will all go home.  You will again see your wife.  Make all the efforts necessary to receive her.

 

I believe James might know my uncle in Pensacola.  "Miguel Leon" and the rest of my family there.

 

However, as sad as all these experiences are, we are holding on to that precious hope.  Life everlasting.

 

As in the early christian era when Jesus told his disciple that Satan was demanding to have them sifted, we too are being sifted today.  How it hurts.

 

Trust in Jehovah, He will not forget us.  He is about to act.

 

My brothers stay faithful!

[Timl1980]

4 hours ago, J.B said:

Each line has made me cry. I type this now with dry fingers, dry tears all over my face, and a new set of tears threatening to spill out. Because the truth is.. I thrive with joy in the presence of my brothers and sisters. A spiritual bubble that keeps me euphoric. But in private, I just about hold it together.. it's as if I lack that joy deep down, and so when you say you've "been mentally and emotionally exhausted in a way I don’t know how to explain to anyone...not even to Jehovah," nothing more needs to be said. I feel like I can relate.  

 

Thank you for your expressions, again, it's a bit humbling to know that what I write move other people. But it's also not surprising in another way because other people's words move me similarly, I guess it's to be expected. 

 

I'm doing what I can to continue serving Jehovah the best way that I know how it's a day by day struggle but I'm like you, I know Jehovah understands each one of us intimately and knowing our strengths and our weaknesses. 

 

What an incredible feeling it will be to get into the new system and realize that all these problems and troubles have been lifted off of our shoulders. Even thinking about that makes my head spin, it's like I can't fully wrap my head around time when there will be absolutely no pain or no loss in that way.

[grain of mustard]

Thank you, Brother Tim, for your kind words. I'm a little late, I'm only now reading this, but they encouraged me a lot. I've been through some difficult days, I have anxiety problems, I'm currently facing financial difficulties, and I'm neglecting my worship of Jehovah and my spiritual activities. I have a meeting today; lately I've missed some meetings and field service trips because of work. I'm a little insecure about going through those Kingdom Hall doors, as you yourself wrote. Many of us are pressured in every way. I want to go back. I need to go back as soon as possible! Thank you, Brother Tim. It's a pleasure to be here with you and to be able to connect with you.