The Silence Between me...And Jehovah!

[Timl1980]

When I went to my grandpa’s funeral the other day, I honestly didn’t expect anything to break through the spiritual fog I’ve been living in. If I'm being blunt...I’ve been spiritually thin for weeks...maybe even months now...and I’ve been carrying around this quiet shame about it. I’ve been attending meetings on Zoom, half-present, half somewhere else entirely. My study habits have fallen apart. My prayers feel like they start strong in my chest...but die before they have the ability to reach my mouth. And honestly, (except for a few people), I’ve been afraid to admit any of this out loud because it feels like one more failure stacked on top of everything else that’s already crushing me.

 

But at the end of the funeral, my Uncle gave the prayer and said something in it that stopped me cold. It clung to me...refusing to let go...and I now fully believe that wasn't JUST my Uncle speaking...that was Jehovah...talking through him...directly to me.

 

He said Jehovah misses my grandpa’s thoughts. Not just his presence...not just his service...but his thoughts. I don’t know why that hit me the way it did, but it felt like someone reached inside my chest and pulled a cord I didn’t even realize was still connected. Because if Jehovah misses my grandpa’s thoughts, then Jehovah has been missing mine too...and that realization crushed me. For the first time in a while...I went home...fired up my computer, made myself a steaming hot cup of Maxwell House...and started doing some personal research.

 

Not research for a Midweek meeting...or a Watchtower study...but just for ME.

 

You know...Psalm 139:1-4 is one of those scriptures we hear so often that it becomes background noise. “Jehovah knows our thoughts before we speak them.”

 

I usually take that to mean he’s interested in us...that he's aware of everything. But sitting there in my computer room...sipping from that steaming mug...I suddenly heard it differently.

 

If Jehovah knows my thoughts before I speak them, then he also knows when those thoughts toward him have gone “quiet”. I mean, that only makes sense, right?

 

He knows when the conversation has stopped. He knows when the prayers have dried up. He knows when the spiritual part of me that used to reach for him with wide open arms has suddenly gone silent. And if he knows what it's like when we're engaged...when we're pouring our heart out to him...if he can FEEL that...then it follows that he also feels the absence of it.

 

But he's not angry at me...he's not judging me...he's actually longing for me to start speaking again. The more I thought about this...the more another verse began to tug at my brain...pulling me deeper into my research...pushing me further from Satan and his thinking...tugging me towards Jehovah...towards his outstretched arms.

 

Malachi 3:16 suddenly sprang to mind...the verse about Jehovah listening so closely to the conversations of those who fear him that he writes them down in a book of remembrance. I’ve always thought of that verse as something encouraging, something that shows how much Jehovah values loyalty.

 

But now I’m seeing the other side of it. If Jehovah "writes down" our spiritual conversations...if he records them, if he appreciates them THAT much...then what does it mean when the pages go blank...when the entries stop...when a gap appears, like when you're recording your voice and suddenly stop talking for a few seconds.

 

Again, it means Jehovah notices. It means he feels the silence...it's like he starts straining to hear us...to detect WHY we've quit talking. It means he misses the sound of MY voice.

 

And that’s where I’ve been...I've been living in that silence...in that “pause” of the voice recording. My wife is overseas, dealing with medical issues that keep getting mishandled. She’s in a homeless shelter. She’s not getting the help she needs. Every day I wake up with this knot in my chest that doesn’t go away, and every night I go to bed with the same knot, only tighter...thicker...heavier. My thoughts have been consumed by fear, frustration, helplessness, and guilt...that's just the plain and simple truth. 

 

And somewhere in the middle of all this chaos, my spiritual voice dimmed. Not because I stopped loving Jehovah. Not because I don’t care. But because I’ve been mentally and emotionally exhausted in a way I don’t know how to explain to anyone...not even to Jehovah. (Try THAT thought on for size)

 

So when my Uncle said Jehovah misses my grandpa’s thoughts, it felt like Jehovah was quietly telling me, “Tim, I miss yours too.” Not in the way to make me feel ashamed. Not in a “get it together, Tim!” kind of way either.

 

But in a way that reminded me that my relationship with him isn’t built on perfect attendance or flawless study habits. It’s built on connection...on conversation...on thoughts that turn toward him even when life is tearing and ripping you apart...even then.

 

That’s why I’m going to the Kingdom Hall this morning. It’s been over a month since I’ve walked through those doors. I don’t have answers for the questions people will ask. I don’t have a neat explanation for the mess my life is in. I don’t have some powerful spiritual comeback story.

 

But I do have one desire today...just one honest, fragile goal that I desperately want to accomplish this morning.

 

I want to turn the volume up just a little.

 

Not all the way...I'm not ready for that yet...I'm not even sure I'm ready for this. But I'm going to try...because if there's one thing I know for certain: there is temporary pain in serving Jehovah...but there is everlasting death in choosing the other side.

 

And if any of you reading this are struggling in your own way...if your prayers have gone quiet, if your study has gone cold, if your meeting attendance has slipped...if your thoughts toward Jehovah have been drowned out by fear or grief or exhaustion...please believe me: Jehovah misses your thoughts too! Not your performance...not your “perfection”...no, he misses your thoughts...the ones you used to give him...the ones you still want to give him even if you don’t know how.

 

Honestly...just speaking plainly among friends...I may regress. I may crawl back into my hole and ask the ground to cover me over. I may get hurt today...someone may offend me...may unknowingly rip open wounds that are still bleeding and raw...but I'm going anyways.

 

Why?

 

Because Jehovah misses my thoughts...and because the silence between me and my best friend is something that I can no longer endure.

 

Even if everyone else in that Kingdom Hall were to suddenly descend upon me and start asking hurtful questions or saying mean things, (obviously I'm exaggerating), I'm not there to listen to them anyway. I'm there because my best friend is there...because HE misses my thoughts...and truthfully...because I can no longer endure the silence between me...and Jehovah.

[Good-O]

Bro Tim.  I really appreciate your honesty.  It brought tears to my eyes.  I have two family members that may feel this same way!  I am going to send to them your thoughts and hope they honestly hear what your are saying and  apply it to themselves.  I have certainly applied to myself!  I think we all 'slip' at times and that needs to be quickly corrected in ourselves.  Thank you for your honesty and happy to hear you are 'recovering'.  DG