THE NEED To Face Reality

[Timl1980]

Burnt out, out of gas, fatigued, exhausted, spent, drained, worn out, enervated, run down, bushed, stressed out to the nines...pick your poison...but every single one of those feelings have attached themselves to me like leeches recently.

 

Pulled in different directions, worried about saying too much...scared I'm not saying enough.

 

Avoiding certain obligations due to stress and my ADHD while digging deep into my personal distractions of chess and personal research. 

 

Working more hours due to weather conditions in the winter, not spending enough quality time with my wife. 

 

The ability to give good advice to others while simultaneously somehow conveniently forgetting to apply it to myself.

 

Attending more meetings on Zoom then in person, feeling disassociated through absence, experiencing lack of love and empathy due to exhaustion, frustration, anger, hurt, and pain. 

 

All of this is what I expressed to an elder yesterday as we sat in two chairs on the back room of his empty Kingdom Hall, our ears perked up occasionally by the sounds of the howling wind and driving snow outside...and this is what he said in return: 

 

SIX BILLION TONS!!

 

That's how much just one teaspoonful of a single star weighs...and that's how stupid, (my word, not his), Tim really is.

 

All this time, I've been reaching for stars...trying to stretch out on my tippiest of tippy toes in order to grab just one and SHOW Jehovah that I am a capable man...a good man...a man he could love and respect.

 

I was trying so hard, for so long...but to Jehovah...I must have seemed as pathetic as a tiny ant reaching out to carry the whole muffin back to it's colony...when all it was ASKED to do was carry a crumb.

 

As this very kind elder pointed out to me yesterday...Jehovah never asked me to carry the whole muffin...he never required me to grab a star and carry it around...he only asked me to take his hand...hold on tight...and allow HIS light to penetrate deep into my mind and heart.

 

He didn't ask ME to be the "source"...and he never told me to "reach" for it...like I had to carry around the source myself...he simply asked me to reflect HIS light.

 

Those are MY expectations...those are my OWN personal thoughts and feelings about what I  felt I  should be doing...not Jehovah's.

 

After a few minutes of listening to more of my excuses and self lies...he quietly, gently...led me to a set of scriptures I know very very well...or at least...I THOUGHT I did.

 

Matthew 11:28,29: "Come to me, all you who are toiling and loaded down, and I will refresh you. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am mild-tempered and lowly in heart, and you will find refreshment for yourselves."

 

Refresh: In Greek, the word is anapausis...and it means rest from burdens...or refreshment... that's true.

 

But this brother pointed out that the meaning is deeper, especially when you look at how this word is used in the Greek Septuagint at Exodus 23:12: "Six days you are to do your work; but on the seventh day, you are to cease from your labor, in order that your bull and your donkey may rest and the son of your slave girl and the foreign resident may REFRESH themselves"

 

The Israelites didn't JUST receive refreshment by pausing physical labor...here the word means SABBATH rest...restoring equality!! 

 

It means relief from pressure, a pause that restores a person's dignity and self-worth. 

 

THAT'S the "load" that Jesus offers...and here's why:

 

https://www.jw.org/finder?srcid=jwlshare&wtlocale=E&prefer=lang&docid=502300130

 

Under "I will refresh you"...look at HOW Jesus provides relief: 

 

"Jesus promised to give relief, or rest, to those who accepted his kind invitation. He did so by helping them to understand what God truly expected of them.

 

 

In other words, he was relieving them of all the unfair rules and restrictions that had been piled upon the Israelites by the Pharisees...and this brother pointed out that, while we don't have physical Pharisees doing that today...each one of us has a "Pharisee" INSIDE us...constantly piling on added rules and restrictions to ourselves, criticizing our every move, condemning our every thought...and all in the name of US attempting to be self righteous.

 

"I should be doing more because..."

 

"I'm not good enough because..."

 

 

"Jehovah expects too much from ME, because I just can't do what everyone else can do!!"

 

😔

 

This dear dear brother then gave me a piece of paper and a pen and asked me to write down ten things in which I felt I am not "ENOUGH".

 

After I had finished, we went over them one by one. 

 

In each and every instance, I was absolutely shocked to see how my inner "Pharisee" was condemning me...piling on small and subtle "adjustments" to Jehovah's actual requirements.

 

I always knew I would have to face reality one day...I just didn't think that reality would take the form of a Pharisee.

 

Starting now, I am going to strive every day to see myself as Jehovah sees me...not as I THINK he should see me.

 

Starting now, I am going to improve where I can, pray about what I can't and allow Jehovah to work out the details. 

 

Starting now, I'm going to listen to Jehovah's voice more than my own and stop piling up unrealistic expectations based on where I think I SHOULD be in Jehovah's organization...not where I actually am.

 

If Jehovah opens the door, I'll walk through it. 

 

But I'm going to try my best to stop creating my own doors...I'm going to stop reaching for a star...and be content with reflecting Jehovah's light.