I'm Just Dust

[Timl1980]

The last time I addressed everyone on this forum, I said that I was broken. 

 

A little over 2 months have went by since that awful day...and I can now definitively declare that I am past being "broken"...I've been ground into dust.

 

There are parts of me that will never be whole again in this system...because those parts simply no longer exist. I've been left sitting as a proverbial pile of dust...and no, I'm not feeling sorry for myself and I'm not being dramatic. 

 

I'm sharing this because after speaking with a trusted friend, an elder who has been with me through my years in prison to here and now today...I now am beginning to have a very different understanding of the word "dust"...and it has strengthened my faith immeasurably over the past few weeks. 

 

The scripture?

 

Isaiah 57:15 "For this is what the High and Lofty One says, Who lives forever and whose name is holy: “I reside in the high and holy place, But also with those crushed and lowly in spirit, To revive the spirit of the lowly And to revive the heart of those being crushed."

 

Dakah...crushed, pulverized, beaten down or ground down into dust!

 

What a shocking word...what a visceral image that would have brought to mind for our ancient brothers and sisters.

 

Total collapse... absolute vulnerability...sound familiar?

 

It does to me...and that's why I'm formulating this post. These aren't just words on a page, not to me. This is weeks worth of shock, rage, humiliation, vulnerability, anger, hatred, sadness, fear and concern, loss of control...spilling out of a heart that has been crushed, pulverized , beaten and ground down...a heart reduced to dust.

 

And yet...and yet, I'm still here.

 

Emotional? Yes. At a loss for words sometimes? Definitely. Unable to move forward or backwards at times? Absolutely. Feeling tiny and vulnerable and sick to my stomach with worry and fear? Always. 

 

And yet...I'm STILL HERE!

 

Why am I still here? Why haven't I blown away yet?

 

Particles of me have scattered...individual dust motes of me have flitted away in the wind...I cannot retrieve them...and I cannot find the energy to chase them even if I could.

 

So why am I still here? 

 

Dust...it's that simple. I'm dust, that's why I'm still here...here, let me explain.

 

You see, I've always had a backwards understanding of dust, even though I've used it symbolically in my posts before, I never really stopped to take a good look at what it actually is...not to humans...but to Jehovah.

 

Dust is not actually the end state of something...it's quite literally what Jehovah used to START human life. 

 

Dust scatters easily...and this isn't something I'm talking about from observation...it's something I've personally felt...something I've lived through...AM living through...currently. 

 

The wind comes along and WHOOSH!!...there it goes, up into the air...dancing around...lost and alone...helpless until the air settles down and it can land once again. 

 

I am dust...I've been picked up and moved along here and there...and yet...I'm still here...I haven't settled in some random place...I haven't been left to the mercy of chance or a good stuff breeze. 

 

Why??

 

Here's what the brother shared with me: My heart may be dust...but Jehovah's holy spirit is like that wind...it lifts up all those tiny fragments and gently carries it along with his chariot...protecting and shielding all the tiny bits of me that would otherwise be scattered and blown away. 

 

And JUST when I start to feel worthless...just when I start to feel like I should just give up and slip away, slip back into the darkness...Jehovah's glory lights up the tiny little specks that ARE me...and by that light...I start to glow and shine...just as real dust glows when hit by a sunbeam.

 

So you see...I'm just dust...but that's okay, in fact it's the only reason I'm still here...because someone much much stronger and wiser than me...simply refuses to let me go.