Right or Wrong to recommend a mate to ourselves

[Xtian]

Why are people afraid to recommended a mate to someone?🤔  I see nothing wrong with that. 

[AYMA]

Mmmm... today's daily text (Sunday July 26) and references may answer your question. The caution and not so much fear, is how one goes about it. 

[secondofseven]

I dont see anything wrong, provided:

 

- You have a personal relationship (beyond random brother or sister) with the person being single.

 

- He or she is actively looking for a mate.

 

I guess in the past a lot of brothers and sisters assumed every person being single needs help. And some see themselves as matchmakers. Without knowing and considering if a person wants it.

[Nnaemeka]

There's a WT article on that. 2 or more weeks back. Go read it.
My personal take: Gal. 6:5. Would you allow someone to carry your load of looking for a mate yourself? Remember you both are unique. What A loves in a woman might be what you don't like until you have personal communication with her then you judge for yourself during courtship. You can ask others what they think about a sister or that sister... Recommend is pushing responsibility. Ask what they think about her not that others/they recommend. Carry your load. Just my 2 cents.

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[Sheep]

1 hour ago, Nnaemeka said:

There's a WT article on that. 2 or more weeks back. Go read it.
My personal take: Gal. 6:5. Would you allow someone to carry your load of looking for a mate yourself? Remember you both are unique. What A loves in a woman might be what you don't like until you have personal communication with her then you judge for yourself during courtship. You can ask others what they think about a sister or that sister... Recommend is pushing responsibility. Ask what they think about her not that others/they recommend. Carry your load. Just my 2 cents.

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"Carry your load." That's good counsel. Remembering that it is a great responsibility to "introduce," or recommend a sister to a certain brother, or vice versa. If someone asks for help in being introduced to someone, perhaps that would be acceptable. But if not, then it's none of our business. At least that's my opinion.

 

Years ago, a married couple thought they were good matchmakers, and thought they were doing good to recommend a sister to a brother who was wanting to get married. And so that's what they did. But, let's just say it didn't go well! He followed up on their recommendation. In the long run, they dated for a while, but then the sister broke off the relationship with him. The brother was absolutely crushed, and couldn't bring himself to even speak to the married couple for a long time afterward. I won't go into more details.

[Beggar for the Spirit]

Why some of us are hesitant to recommend a specific mate is...

- because unlike recommending a car or job

- marriage is "sacred" and eternal in Jehovah's eyes

- so we want to be very, very careful in overly influencing, motivating, pressuring a brother/sister toward another mate, even if they are seeking recommendations.

 

However, we want to help our single sisters/brothers if they want/need. 

 

But rather than recommending a specific person as a marriage mate

- we would try to recommend "qualities"

- the good spiritual and loving qualities we have observed in someone

- another single brother/sister we know well may have certain qualities our friend is seeking.

- so since our friend has asked for our help, it would be a kindness to share our observations

 

it is not carrying another person's "load" of responsibility to simply give some guidance and "recommend" qualities we observe in others. In the end, it is our friend who makes his/her own personal decision.

 

Are there any Bible examples that can help with the question of whether it is right or wrong to give some help/guidance to singles ones who seek a mate?

Spoiler

*** w00 4/15 p. 20 Are You Recommending Yourself to Others? ***
A man would likewise want to inquire about any Christian woman he is considering marrying.

According to the Bible, Boaz took such an interest in Ruth, the woman he later married. When Ruth asked: “How is it I have found favor in your eyes so that I am taken notice of, when I am a foreigner?” Boaz said: “The report was fully made to me of all that you have done.” (Ruth 2:10-12)

Yes, not only did Boaz personally observe that Ruth was a loyal, dedicated, and hardworking woman but he also received favorable comments from others.

 

So a single brother/sister who is interested in finding a mate...

- may have to "inquire" of others, like the article mentioned.

- some single ones may need help from others in finding a mate because they find no one in their area

- or some may need help, not just finding any mate, but a good spiritual person.

- But what good would "inquiring" do if everyone "shut their door" to this single brother/sister? 

- What if no one was willing to share any "favorable comments" about the qualities they have observed in another person to help their friend find a potential mate?

 

Yet, we still have to be very careful...

- influencing or pressuring our friend to marry someone we know

- our friend may view us like an "Uncle", "Big Brother", "Father Figure", "Big Sister", "Mother Figure" or we have a measure of authority in the congregation, and so any opinion, advice, recommendation we give to our friend, may have much more impact or influence on our friend's decisions than we could know!

 

Even if we feel a certain sister or brother would be a "good match"

- it is better if we are only recommending certain qualities we have seen. 

- that is different than recommending a specific person for our friend to enter into a sacred marriage with!

 

So it is not "wrong" to help a single friend seeking help/guidance in finding a mate. However, as mentioned above, what will our recommendation be?

- To motivate our friend to marry our cousin or some brother/sister we know in another congregation?

- To try and quickly set up a "date", to be a "matchmaker"?

- Or to ask our friend what qualities are important to him/her?

- and to help them by sharing some good qualities we have observed in a "Ruth" or "Boaz"we know

Edited Sunday at 10:12 PM by Beggar for the Spirit

[Shawnster]

 

On 7/26/2026 at 12:11 PM, Xtian said:

Why are people afraid to recommended a mate to someone?🤔  I see nothing wrong with that. 

*** w20 August p. 29 par. 10 Respect the Place of Others in Jehovah’s Congregation ***

10 How can we show respect for the feelings and circumstances of our single brothers and sisters? We do well to keep in mind that some single Christians have made it a personal goal to remain unmarried. Other single Christians would like to marry, but they simply have not found the right person. Still others may have lost their mate in death. In any case, should those in the congregation feel the need to ask single Christians why they are not married or to offer to help them find a mate? Of course, some single Christians might ask for such assistance. But if help is not requested, how might such offers make our single brothers and sisters feel? (1 Thess. 4:11; 1 Tim. 5:13) Let us consider some comments from faithful single brothers and sisters.

 

11 One single circuit overseer who is very effective in his assignment feels that there are many benefits to being single. Yet, he noted that it can be discouraging when well-meaning brothers and sisters ask him: “Why are you not married?” A single brother serving at a branch office observed: “Sometimes brothers and sisters make me feel that single ones are to be pitied. This can make it seem that singleness is a burden rather than a gift.”

 

12 A single sister who serves at Bethel said: “Some publishers assume that all single people are seeking a mate or that all single people view every social setting as an opportunity to find a mate. Once when I traveled to another part of the country for an assignment, I arrived on a meeting night. The sister who was hosting me told me that there were two brothers in the congregation who were my age. She assured me that she was not trying to set me up. But as soon as we got inside the Kingdom Hall, she pulled me over to meet the two brothers. Needless to say, that was quite an awkward situation for the three of us.”

https://www.jw.org/finder?wtlocale=E&docid=2020522&srctype=wol&srcid=sh are&par=19

 

This is why.  Because some matchmakers go overboard in meddling in the lives of others, some matchmakers don't ask beforehand if the single person is interested in finding someone, and some matchmakers have no clue what their single friend is looking for in regards compatibility. Some matchmakers feel that seeking first the Kingdom comes second to finding a mate. They turn the situation into some sort of real life soap opera or Hallmark movie drama. 

 

 

[Todd komaniak]

I think there was a whole song on Fiddler on the roof on this very subject

[LeolaRootStew]

On 7/26/2026 at 11:11 AM, Xtian said:

Why are people afraid to recommended a mate to someone?🤔  I see nothing wrong with that. 

 

The concern is what the other people involved feel. Do they want you to recommend someone? Do they want to be recommended to someone else?

[Kunlesky]

On 7/26/2026 at 11:11 AM, Xtian said:

Why are people afraid to recommended a mate to someone?🤔  I see nothing wrong with that. 

 

I suppose the keyword is “recommend,” not “fix” or decide for someone else. It can be terrifying to feel that you may be held responsible for the failure of another person’s marriage if things do not work out. I have seen brothers and sisters blamed outright when relationships they encouraged eventually failed. Therefore, much depends on how the recommendation is made. Anyone making such a recommendation should encourage a thorough background check, remain objective, and acknowledge from the outset that the relationship may not work out. Culturally, I suspect this may be more of a concern in the East than in the West, although that is only my personal observation.

We should also ask whether biases are influencing the recommendation. I have seen spousal manipulation interfere with otherwise objective referrals. Some recommendations are presented almost like commands rather than suggestions. Consequently, some people no longer seek this kind of help because it can be difficult to separate the recommender’s personal feelings and preferences from an objective assessment.

At the same time, not all men understand women equally well, and the same is true of women. Understanding relationships requires continual study, careful observation, and attentiveness—both within and outside one’s own relationship. My view is simple: recommend where appropriate, assist with an objective investigation, and avoid looming over the person’s final decision.

The person making the recommendation must also recognize that, in modern times, relationship chemistry cannot necessarily be determined through step-by-step, algorithmic, or purely logical reasoning. Ultimately, each person must submit personal desires and inclinations to the desire to do God’s will (Ephesians 2:1–3; 5:6).

During a recent informal witnessing conversation, a Lyft driver—an Afghan man who had served as a lieutenant colonel in U.S. Army intelligence—told me he was married with three children and had never approached or propositioned a woman in his life. When I asked how that was possible, he explained that while he was working far from home, his father simply called him and said, “You are engaged.” His experience reminded me, in some respects, of the arranged marriage involving Abraham’s servant and Isaac in the Scriptures. Maybe there is a lesson in there somewhere.

[Kunlesky]

On 7/26/2026 at 2:52 PM, Sheep said:

"Carry your load." That's good counsel. Remembering that it is a great responsibility to "introduce," or recommend a sister to a certain brother, or vice versa. If someone asks for help in being introduced to someone, perhaps that would be acceptable. But if not, then it's none of our business. At least that's my opinion.

 

Years ago, a married couple thought they were good matchmakers, and thought they were doing good to recommend a sister to a brother who was wanting to get married. And so that's what they did. But, let's just say it didn't go well! He followed up on their recommendation. In the long run, they dated for a while, but then the sister broke off the relationship with him. The brother was absolutely crushed, and couldn't bring himself to even speak to the married couple for a long time afterward. I won't go into more details.

 

I recall a time (decades ago) when single brothers used to talk about the CO's list, as if it were the go-to for finding a sister. In more recent times, I have seen a few CO's tremble and err on the side of caution regarding the subject matter.