A New Item Available For Stressed Out Elders

[Lilac Isosceles]

Dear Elders,

 

It is our pleasure to announce a newly developed, state-of-the-art, phone attachment we have designed to assist the growing number of exhausted elders. It is hoped that using this attachment will help cut down the number of nervous breakdowns, drop-outs and despondent overseers in the congregations. It is called CONGREGATION CRISIS HOTLINE. Here is how it works:

 

When someone calls the hotline number, a warm pleasing voice answers "HELLO, YOU HAVE REACHED THE ....................... CONGREGATION'S HOTLINE. ALL OUR ELDERS ARE BUSY AT THIS MOMENT, BUT PLEASE HOLD THE LINE. WE CARE ABOUT YOU AND YOUR PROBLEM. YOUR CALL WILL BE ANSWERED IN THE ORDER IT WAS RECEIVED. WHILE YOU WAIT, PLEASE ENJOY THE BECALMING MUSIC FROM SING TO JEHOVAH - DISC 5. ALONG WITH REPEATED READINGS OF HEBREWS 13:17".

 

When they get through, they hear: "THANK YOU FOR WAITING. IF YOUR PROBLEM IS OF A PERSONAL NATURE, PLEASE PRESS 1 NOW. IF YOU HAVE A DISPUTE IN THE CONGREGATION, PLEASE PRESS 2 NOW. IF YOU HAVE A COMPLAINT ABOUT THE ELDERS OR THE ORGANISATION, PLEASE PRESS 3 NOW. IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT, BUT JUST ENJOY KEEPING YOUR ELDER'S FROM THEIR DINNER, STUDY TIME OR TIME WITH THEIR FAMILIES, PRESS 4 NOW."

 

If they have pressed 1 they hear: "IF YOU HAVE DONE RESEARCH ON YOUR PROBLEM IN THE SOCIETY'S PUBLICATIONS, PRESS 1 AGAIN NOW. IF YOU HAVE NOT DONE RESEARCH, THEN PRESS 2 NOW."

 

If they press 2 the the phone hangs up. If they press 1 the next available elder off a rotation list is called at home.

 

If they had pressed 2 from the initial menu, they hear: "IF YOU HAVE READ MATTHEW 18:15-17, PRESS 1 NOW. IF YOU HAVE NOT READ MATTHEW 18:15-17 PLEASE PRESS 2 NOW."

 

If they press 2 the phone hangs up. If they press 1 they hear: "IF YOU HAVE APPLIED ALL OF MATTHEW 18 PRESS 1 AGAIN NOW. IF YOU HAVE NOT APPLIED WHAT JESUS HAS ASKED OF YOU, AND DON'T INTEND TO, PRESS 2 NOW"

 

If they press 2 the phone gives off a 240V jolt, and a loud Klaxon blows in their ear. If they press 1 the next available elder is called at home.

 

If they had pressed 3 from the initial menu, their address is recorded electronically and a SWAT team is dispatched to their home.

 

If they had pressed 4 from the initial menu a recording of "UH-HUH, YES, OH! I SEE, IT IS OK, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT" etc will play continuously for as long as the person is talking.

 

This item is going to be available in your area soon. It is sponsored by EASE(elders against stressful episodes) a small group of dedicated elders who want to get enough sleep, study, time to prepare their meeting parts and still recognise at least 60% of their family each night.

 

[trottigy]

I love that. When I first saw the title - I thought you were going to say Ministerial Servants as the answer. We love them!

[yradandi]

Way too cute, lol

[GrumpysWife]

Sending it to my sons who are elders.

[Rajan]

Thank you very much Br. Ashley.  How much this is going to cost?  when this will be available in India?  Till them, can you send some of this equipment? Thanks.  (at last the elders can have some good sleep in between).

[JudyO]

Thank you very much Br. Ashley.  How much this is going to cost?  when this will be available in India?  Till them, can you send some of this equipment? Thanks.  (at last the elders can have some good sleep in between).

I think the brothers from India already have this program, dear brother. Perhaps you should ask why you do not have your equipment yet??   

[Rajan]

   

 

I think the brothers from India already have this program, dear brother. Perhaps you should ask why you do not have your equipment yet??   

Thanks for that information Sister Judy.  I have sent SMS to many elders asking them to give one for me too... Wow  really I am not able to catch up with latest news here...but  others know better than me....