Advise please

[redvet]

Friends, if a family member drinks every day from the time they get up until they go to bed and this person is a ministerial servant what am I suppose to do, I have prayed and prayed and prayed and begged this person to see help but to no avail. I know that Jehovah sees and knows everything and he's heard my prayer for years but this person continues to drink and won't admit he has a problem, I'm so unhappy and sad.

 

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[dljbsp]

The only additional answer to this, is seek the assistance of YOUR elders.

[Lee49]

5 minutes ago, dljbsp said:

seek the assistance of YOUR elders.

Yes, especially if this person drives while under the influence, he puts not only his life but others at risk! One could say "but I don't drink to get drunk" it doesn't matter, driving "high" or under the influence is drunk driving and could ruin his life even if he was to just loose his driving privleges! It's not worth the risk, I have family members who were in accidents and lost their liscense for a long time and along with that can't hold down a job because of not being able to drive. He has to want to quit.

[Ludwika]

I would say he's a functioning alcoholic. He's obviously not going to admit he has a problem, so having approached him and got nowhere, it's actually your responsibility to speak to the brothers, because it's a serious matter; his future is at risk, 1 Cor 6:10, drunkards are among those who will not inherit God's kingdom. After that, you leave it to them.

Edited July 28 by Ludwika

[redvet]

Yes, especially if this person drives while under the influence, he puts not only his life but others at risk! One could say "but I don't drink to get drunk" it doesn't matter, driving "high" or under the influence is drunk driving and could ruin his life even if he was to just loose his driving privleges! It's not worth the risk, I have family members who were in accidents and lost their liscense for a long time and along with that can't hold down a job because of not being able to drive. He has to want to quit.

He doesn't drink and drive, he makes sure he gets enough to last the whole day and he goes to the liquor store the day before to make sure he has enough to last him so he doesn't have to go out at all.

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[redvet]

I would say he's a functioning alcoholic. He's obviously not going to admit he has a problem, so having approached him and got nowhere, it's actually your responsibility to speak to the brothers, because it's a serious matter; his future is at risk, 1 Cor 6:10, drunkards are among those who will not inherit God's kingdom. After that, you leave it to them.

Thank you and I know I have to do this even if it means he loses his privileges but hopefully he will see that it's for his benefit, the benefit of the family and ultimately he'll be making Jehovah happy by seeking help from the Elders.

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[Amygdala]

50 minutes ago, redvet said:

Thank you and I know I have to do this even if it means he loses his privileges but hopefully he will see that it's for his benefit, the benefit of the family and ultimately he'll be making Jehovah happy by seeking help from the Elders.

 

It‘s much more better to help him now vs him making some future mistakes that might not necessarily be apparent right away in the congregation, but can lead to serious consequences. For example, in treatment of the family, or affecting his job, his health - liver, etc. Doesn‘t mean he can‘t be reappointed, but once someone gets deep into a problem, this needs to be addressed before it gets even out of their own control.

[Dages]

If he/she doesn't listen to you. You tell the elders.

Jesus is clear.

[Frances Bennett]

I'm so sorry to hear about your relative's situation @redvet

 

You should definitely speak to the elders and I would strongly advise you speak to Alcoholics Anonymous too.

 

https://www.aa.org/aa-family-friend

 

They can give you advice on how best to help.

 

My brother died in February of conditions caused by his long term struggle with alcohol (Liver failure, Wernicke-Korsakoff (wet brain) syndrome) He was an elder and a regular pioneer until a year before his death and he (and his immediate family) had hidden the extent of his issue from everyone as they didn't want the shame of him losing his privileges. They were the family in the congregation with the pioneer children, always ready to do the stand in talks, my brother was well used on assemblies and was part of the baptism team - so you get the picture.

 

If I'm honest the elders in his congregation didn't really know what to do to help him, they seemed completely at a loss. They only knew how to come at it from a spiritual standing perspective, from a punitive perspective but he had mental health issues and trauma that was driving the problem. It really is a disease, it's far more than over indulgence or a lack of self control when its true alcoholism, not just binge drinking and wild partying.

 

AA were excellent and helped in so many ways, not only with him but with emotional and practical support for his family too. They were extremely respectful of his beliefs and adjusted their help to fit with his Christian conscience. I think they were astonishingly good.

 

Unfortunately it was too little too late for my brother.

 

I wish my sister in law had spoken to us years ago, and not been so worried about how this would affect his standing. Perhaps if he'd got help earlier he'd still be here.

 

So please, don't hesitate, get ALL the help you can.

 

Sending much love - DM me if you want x

Edited July 28 by Frances Bennett

[Mike047]

Thanks for this open and honest account Frances, it reflects a wider problem that many have, and find it necessary to keep to themselves. I know of a brother not far from here who was very wealthy and had responsibilities in the congregation, but always had a weakness for alcohol. Some 20 years ago, his problem lead to being relieved of his responsibilities, and not long after, his brain shut down so he had to be looked after in a caring home for those with mental health problems. A friend and I used to visit him, although he did not really know who we were. We took him out in a wheelchair for a walk each weekly visit, until that became too difficult. He died many years back.

 

He had been a caring person, and we hope and pray that he will have another opportunity to praise our great God, Jehovah.

[Dolce vita]

6 hours ago, Frances Bennett said:

I'm so sorry to hear about your relative's situation @redvet

 

You should definitely speak to the elders and I would strongly advise you speak to Alcoholics Anonymous too.

 

https://www.aa.org/aa-family-friend

 

They can give you advice on how best to help.

 

My brother died in February of conditions caused by his long term struggle with alcohol (Liver failure, Wernicke-Korsakoff (wet brain) syndrome) He was an elder and a regular pioneer until a year before his death and he (and his immediate family) had hidden the extent of his issue from everyone as they didn't want the shame of him losing his privileges. They were the family in the congregation with the pioneer children, always ready to do the stand in talks, my brother was well used on assemblies and was part of the baptism team - so you get the picture.

 

If I'm honest the elders in his congregation didn't really know what to do to help him, they seemed completely at a loss. They only knew how to come at it from a spiritual standing perspective, from a punitive perspective but he had mental health issues and trauma that was driving the problem. It really is a disease, it's far more than over indulgence or a lack of self control when its true alcoholism, not just binge drinking and wild partying.

 

AA were excellent and helped in so many ways, not only with him but with emotional and practical support for his family too. They were extremely respectful of his beliefs and adjusted their help to fit with his Christian conscience. I think they were astonishingly good.

 

Unfortunately it was too little too late for my brother.

 

I wish my sister in law had spoken to us years ago, and not been so worried about how this would affect his standing. Perhaps if he'd got help earlier he'd still be here.

 

So please, don't hesitate, get ALL the help you can.

 

Sending much love - DM me if you want x

😘😘😘

 

[Frances Bennett]

2 hours ago, Mike047 said:

He had been a caring person, and we hope and pray that he will have another opportunity to praise our great God, Jehovah.

 

So much love for this comment ❤ 

 

My brother's alcoholism did not define him. I don't believe he committed the unforgivable sin, therefore he will be resurrected.

 

He served Jehovah for many years and had a love for scripture that was like a fire in him.

 

I know I will see him again, and that the demons from his past that haunted him won't have a hold on him any more.

[ChrisW]

Unfortunately I have family going through this too. The wife is a regular pioneer and he is a ministerial servant.  She has spoke to their coordinator and then when nothing happened she spoke to the CO along with their coordinator during a shepherding visit. He denied having an issue and blamed a lot of their martial issues on her. Nothing at this point can be done I guess if he doesn't see a problem. His family mostly brothers. Some in the truth and some not all have drinking problems. But they function and it makes it hard for those outside the family to see the problem.  It's very difficult living with that but the wife works really hard at staying close to Jehovah and it keeps her sane. 

I'm sorry you're enduring this. I hope you can get some help.

[Pionner_who]

"Seek the elders; it will be necessary for him to receive spiritual help. But I believe that it is just as important for him to receive professional help. I believe it is something clinical. It is a very delicate case; he may need to be reassessed, but this reassessment will undoubtedly benefit him."

[carlos]

A person in this situation cannot quit drinking by himself. He will need professional help. But at the same time, a person in this situation is unable to see the problem and how big it is. So talking to the elders is the first step. Maybe the elders will be able to help, or maybe he will deny everything and they won't be able to do much more. But still, the fact that the elders approach him might be the wake-up call that determines him to talk with a doctor or AA or someone else who can provide the help he needs.

[1MKnight]

In addition to all the other reasons one should approach the elders, the elders will know his situation far better than any of us do. Perhaps his situation will require a removal of privileges, but perhaps not. We here online cannot know, but the local elders are in a position to make that call and help him. 

[Mike047]

It is helpful also, sometimes, if there is no one among the local elders with experience or understanding of the problem, to go outside of your own congregation. It may be that an appointed brother elsewhere, has either past experience personally, or had been involved with someone else. The brother I mentioned earlier was in part helped at an earlier point in his problems, by another elder, and one who had been through alcohol problems before. 

 

An appointed brother with understanding of the problem is more likely to show compassion, understanding and be able to offer helpful advice.

[Esined]

@redvet, besides the important spiritual support already mentioned, a resource that may help YOU right now is Al-Anon. It’s a free 12-step program like Alcoholics Anonymous but it’s for family members and loved ones of alcoholics. Its purpose is to help you to understand the disease of alcoholism and how to support your loved one while keeping your own boundaries, your sanity and your spirituality. It’s available in many countries. I agree you should speak with a trusted elder about this situation of course! I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.

[careful]

i have attended al anon and found it to be very helpful with boundaries and survival.  Perhaps you can look it up in your area.  I am here to talk if you want to contact me.  I am more familiar with this subject than anyone should be.  

If you are close to the family members of this person...you can invite them to go with you to al anon meetings.  this is how youc an help them.....but there is not a lot you can do to help the drinker.  His carefully built mirage must fall before he can see clearly.

[ChrisW]

On 7/27/2024 at 8:04 PM, redvet said:

 

Friends, if a family member drinks every day from the time they get up until they go to bed and this person is a ministerial servant what am I suppose to do, I have prayed and prayed and prayed and begged this person to see help but to no avail. I know that Jehovah sees and knows everything and he's heard my prayer for years but this person continues to drink and won't admit he has a problem, I'm so unhappy and sad.

 

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I am wondering how you are doing? I was talking to my family member that is going through this similar situation yesterday and I thought of you. 

[cme]

On 7/31/2024 at 3:51 PM, careful said:

i have attended al anon and found it to be very helpful with boundaries and survival.  Perhaps you can look it up in your area.  I am here to talk if you want to contact me.  I am more familiar with this subject than anyone should be.  

If you are close to the family members of this person...you can invite them to go with you to al anon meetings.  this is how youc an help them.....but there is not a lot you can do to help the drinker.  His carefully built mirage must fall before he can see clearly.

I have a daughter in Palm Springs, Ca. whom I have not seen for about 5 years.  She's a functioning alcoholic.  Very intelligient, worker, clean woman but, she's an alcoholic.  When she drinks she calls me up and berates me, calls me names and starts to go into the past...."when you did this, when you did that".   There was no "when you did this".  She must be hallucinating.  I mean I was very young when I had my children. 18 years of age.  I grew up with them but, they were my world literally.  I loved them to a fault.  There was nothing I would not do for them.  So, where is she getting these ideas.  My oldest remembers those days and she says "mom, you did nothing wrong." 

 

However, I apologized to my youngest in the event I did.  Nothing works.  Nothing!  Haven't heard from her for months.  Worried.  Now, my mom was put in a nursing home a woman that abandoned me at the age of 4.  I have no bond with her but, my sisters need help. (my 2 youngest sisters that my mom did raise).  She is being abused where she is at.  I moved heaven and earth for them.  Called elderly abused hotline and complained.  Got police involved, got lawyers involved got a law suit going and this woman never even looked at me but, she's my mom.

 

My daughter should have a mom like that then, I can see the reason for complaining but, no she had a good mom.  I always respected my mother though she was never there for me.  Met her when I was in my 20s with my 2 little babies.  Felt no love for her but, understood she was my mom.  Respected her as such, always.

[ChrisW]

5 minutes ago, cme said:

I have a daughter in Palm Springs, Ca. whom I have not seen for about 5 years. 

I can imagine that this is very difficult for you.

 

7 minutes ago, cme said:

Now, my mom was put in a nursing home a woman that abandoned me at the age of 4.  I have no bond with her but, my sisters need help. (my 2 youngest sisters that my mom did raise).  She is being abused where she is at.  I moved heaven and earth for them.  Called elderly abused hotline and complained.  Got police involved, got lawyers involved got a law suit going and this woman never even looked at me but, she's my mom.

You did what you had to. Yes, because she is your mom and it's the right thing. Jehovah will bless you for showing her the respect and care that you didn't receive but gave. 

[careful]

27 minutes ago, cme said:

When she drinks she calls me up and berates me, calls me names and starts to go into the past...."when you did this, when you did that". 

this is what alcoholics do to detract attention from their life of abuse....they throw dirt on you so people will look at that instead.  it is very hurtful but it is not relevant to their problems.   It is sad that your daughter is doing that to you and that is one reason why al anon would possibly help you.

[cme]

4 hours ago, careful said:

this is what alcoholics do to detract attention from their life of abuse....they throw dirt on you so people will look at that instead.  it is very hurtful but it is not relevant to their problems.   It is sad that your daughter is doing that to you and that is one reason why al anon would possibly help you.

Thanks, I can understand then why she does what she does.  Ty.