Jokes

[Debbie]

'Base hit to centre by Renteria on a slider from Nagy.'

Thanks Christoper. I grew-up on baseball so I can totally relate to this one! Thanks again!

[Janelle]

LOL-That is so funny!!!!

[Karaleen]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana, and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:

Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell, and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one

figured a dog would be eavesdropping."

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security: Wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."

[GrumpysWife]

That's very funny.

[Karaleen]

A mature (over 65) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

[rocket]

Good one!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Cor1580]

Now thats funny I dont care who ya are.... :-)

[Debbie]

"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."

Good one Karaleen!

[Debbie]

Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

Also a good one!

[trottigy]

Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

Also a good one!

Do you suppose I could use that one and get away with it?

[idclair]

Did you hear about the 83 year old woman that talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?

[Debbie]

Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

Also a good one!

Do you suppose I could use that one and get away with it?

I don't think so Jerry. But if you want to try it out, please let us know how it goes for you!

[Ms. Piffle]

A mature (over 65) lady gets pulled over for speeding

http://www.emotihost.com/glass11/17.gif

Love it!

Here's a modified oldie but I think goodie . . .

A little girl walks down the street with a basket of kittens. A priest approaches the little girls and says, “What cute kittens you have. What kind are they?” “Catholic kittens” the little girl replies. “Catholic Kittens. Well how cute!” the priest responded.

The following week the Bishop came to town to see how the local priest was doing. As tchey were walking along, the priest sees the little girl with the 'catholic' kittens. Seeing his chance to impress the bishop he approaches the little girl. Hello little girl. What kind of kittens do you have there in your basket? “Jehovah Witness kittens” she replied. “Jehovah Witness kittens. But you told me last week they were catholic kittens. "yes father, but last week their eyes were closed shut, but now they're open.c

[Debbie]

Here's a modified oldie but I think goodie . . .

A little girl walks down the street with a basket of kittens. A priest approaches the little girls and says, “What cute kittens you have. What kind are they?” “Catholic kittens” the little girl replies. “Catholic Kittens. Well how cute!” the priest responded.

The following week the Bishop came to town to see how the local priest was doing. As tchey were walking along, the priest sees the little girl with the 'catholic' kittens. Seeing his chance to impress the bishop he approaches the little girl. Hello little girl. What kind of kittens do you have there in your basket? “Jehovah Witness kittens” she replied. “Jehovah Witness kittens. But you told me last week they were catholic kittens. "yes father, but last week their eyes were closed shut, but now they're open.c

Yes you are right, an oldie but a goodie!!!

[loginphp]

This is not a joke and that's what makes this really funny. Rediculous food labels!

May contain nuts (Packet of peanuts)

I would have never guessed!

Serving suggestion, defrost (Frozen dinner)

Really? I was planning on eating it solid and frozen!

Do not turn upside down (On Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom)

So... right side up then?

For indoor or outdoor use only (Most brands of Christmas lights

No really? I can't use it 'between door'?

Instructions: open packet, eat nuts (Packet of nuts

No way!

Caution: do not use near power lines (Toilet plunger

Aww I already installed a toilet outside by the powerline and it got clogged :'(

Keep away from children (Baby lotion

Really? What kind of "children" can "touch" it? Okay okay, they can't touch it, but can they poor it on themselves?

Do not use as an ice cream topping (Hair colouring

WHAAT?? This ruins my hair colored ice cream plans!

May contain foam (Foaming face wash

NO! The whole reason I bought this Foaming face wash was because I thought it had no foam! grr.

Warning: do not attempt to swallow (Mattress

Are you referring to a hippopotamus? I am no hippo! Do people with mouths the size of a mattress normally order from you?

Caution: contents may catch fire (Matches

I would have never imagined!

Not dishwasher safe (Television remote control

Wait... why not? huh?

Some assembly required (500-piece puzzle

I wasn't planning to assemble it, but oh well I guess I'll have to :/

Fits one head (Shower cap

No wonder I couldn't get it to work

The appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the 'on' position (Kettle

Ok so you mean the off doesn't mean on and the on doesn't mean off? AHH!! Okay NOWW i get it

Caution: do not use this hammer to strike any solid object (Label on a hammer

I guess I'll have to strike a nail with my shoe then.

For best results, start with clean bathtub (Bottle of bathtub cleaner

You know what? That makes perfect sense!

Do not use while sleeping (A hairdryer

Too late! My arm had already came to life and blow dried my hair while I was sleeping

You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (Bag of crisps

Ok, so is this encouraging thievery?

Directions: Use like regular soap (A bar of soap

Who uses soap like regular soap? Pff

Product will be hot after heating (Bread Pudding

Or you can freeze it and eat it like a popsicle, right?

Do not iron clothes on body (Packaging for an iron

But isn't that how everybody does it? Hmm

Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication (Children’s cough medicine

That would be possible if my 11 year old can drive.

Warning: May cause drowsiness (Sleep Aid

oh no I was hoping a pan would come out of the bottle and just knock me in the head to sleep. Guess I read the label wrong.

Safe to use around pets (Scoopable Cat Litter

Is this a caution that resulted from a traumatic experience?

Caution: non-flammable (Fire Extinguisher

Ok, you answered my question, NOW my fear of Fire Extinguishers have been healed!

These ear plugs are nontoxic, but may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe (Earplugs

What? Who? When? Why? How?

Caution - risk of fire (Fire Logs

How foolish! Why would anyone risk setting a FIRE LOG on FIRE. Grr

Caution - water on road during rain (Road Sign

What is water? doh!

Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly (Children's Superman Costume

Is that why my son face planted himself on the concrete? AH! YOU SHOULD HAVE MADE THIS LABEL BIGGER!

This ice may be cold (Ice drink

Well, I guess I HAVE heard of fried ice cream before.... once...

Instructions: Put on food (Ketchup

Why can't I put it on the floor? Can I use it to catch up to someone?

Do not open here (Bottom of a Cola bottle

Fine, I'll open it over there, which will still make it "over here", because wherever I'm at, "i am there". Ok wait, if get a 10 foot pole with a pop opener at the top and stood back, would that be counted as "here"?

[vjohzon]

There was this older couple driving down the road when a sheriff pulled them over

the officer said do you know how fast you were going, the man wife said he was speeding he always speeds I tell him not to but he doesn't listen,

the officer says you didn't have your seat belt on the mans wife says I tell him to wear his seat belt on all the time but he doesn't listen he never wears it. The husband is getting upset turns to his wife and tells he just to shut up! The officer ask the woman does he always talk to you like that, the woman looks at her husband and the officer and says "only when he's been drinking"!

[GrumpysWife]

There was this older couple driving down the road when a sheriff pulled them over

the officer said do you know how fast you were going, the man wife said he was speeding he always speeds I tell him not to but he doesn't listen,

the officer says you didn't have your seat belt on the mans wife says I tell him to wear his seat belt on all the time but he doesn't listen he never wears it. The husband is getting upset turns to his wife and tells he just to shut up! The officer ask the woman does he always talk to you like that, the woman looks at her husband and the officer and says "only when he's been drinking"!

[Mrs. Musky]

sorry, but I just couldn't resist posting this: 'Inbread Cat'

[rocket]

sorry' date=' but I just couldn't resist posting this: 'Inbread Cat'

[/quote'] Vernalee I presume.

[Mrs. Musky]

sorry' date=' but I just couldn't resist posting this: 'Inbread Cat'

[/quote'] Vernalee I presume.

No, it's me--Mrs. Musky! Now pay attention, Lynn! (notice my cute little avatar--get you glasses! LOL)

[rocket]

[Mrs. Musky]

[GrumpysWife]

Now see Lynn, that's the appropriate size gif, so you don't use up all the space, so others can post too. And I put on my hat so I could counsel you about this.

[rocket]

Now see Lynn' date=' that's the appropriate size gif, so you don't use up all the space, so others can post too. And I put on my hat so I could counsel you about this.[/quote'] That was a slice of bread not a hat.

[GrumpysWife]

That was a slice of bread not a hat.