Jokes

[tagyourit33]

Wedding Anniversary

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really upset. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to

find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT

BETTER BE THERE".

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife

woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box

gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought

the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom

scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

[tagyourit33]

An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating

> them with tiger paws. "You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella.

>

>Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!" The boy looked up, "Really?" "Of course," said the grandmother.

> "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles." The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."

[tagyourit33]

During a recent password audit at our office, it was found that a young woman was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

They walk among us and they live.

[aPeacefulButterfly]

Thanks for the funnies, Teresa!

[tagyourit33]

I went to the bar the other night and told the 'keep,

"A glass of your finest Less, please."

"'Less'? Never heard of it," he said.

"C'mon, sure you have."

"No, really, we don't stock it. What is it?

Some kind of foreign beer?"

"I'm not sure," I replied. "It was my doctor who

mentioned it. He said I should 'drink Less.'"

[tagyourit33]

The

> Circuit Overseer came to visit a congregation and a little

> four-year-old girl had a case of puppy love with him. She

> would follow

> him all around the Kingdom Hall and she even told him that

> she wanted

> to marry him.

>

> When the

> Circuit Overseer came back for his next visit the little

> girl

> barely looked at him. Finally he approached her to say Hi

> and to ask

> her what was wrong. He jokingly reminded her that she said

> she wanted

> to marry him.

>

> The little girl said,

> "I would never think of marrying you!

> You haven't been to a meeting in six

> months!"

>

>

[Brother_Bliss]

> You haven't been to a meeting in six

> months!"

>

That was cute!

[tagyourit33]

After Armageddon everybody was waiting to enter Paradise.

God appeared and said, "I want all the women to report to Peter and all the men to make two lines. One line is for men who were the true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their wives."

Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men.

The line of men who were dominated by their wives was miles and miles long, wrapping around the earth, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man and asked, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

[Brother_Bliss]

Ohhhh.... ... no way!

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

That was me :-)

[tagyourit33]

The Cowboy Boots

(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why..

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet..

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his little feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years!

[Brother_Bliss]

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'YUP, it is' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You JERK!

It's THREE-FIFTEEN in the MORNING!'

[Brother_Bliss]

Four Worms... and a lesson to be learned.

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation "What did you learn from this demonstration?"

A woman sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, 'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service.

[Brother_Bliss]

A Real Turkey of a Confession

Ducking into a confession booth with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"

"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."

"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"

"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family." Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.

[idclair]

0lie is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.

One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said:

DA END ISS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW BAFOR IT'S TOO LATE!

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave me alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, 'Bridge Out?'"

[Please forgive me, all Scandinavians.]

[Brother_Bliss]

Haha! Cute!

[ReadYourBible]

A Cowboy goes to Paris

A Cowboy from Sweetwater , Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international rodeo for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Cowboy handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Cowboy produced the title and everything checked out.. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Cowboy from Texas for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then

drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.

The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you

out on Dun & Bradstreet and found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas . What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The good 'ole Texas boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

[Brother_Bliss]

A Cowboy goes to Paris

{{chuckle!}}

Nice

[Brother_Bliss]

Here you go Musky. Just for you! This thread is almost a year old...

---

Amazing Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES......... THEY ARE NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT..... THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS

[bohemian]

A priest and a buddhist monk were making toast, and the priest says:

" I think there's an image of Jesus in the margarine!"

The monk takes a look and says:

"I can't believe it's not buddha!"

[Brother_Bliss]

"I can't believe it's not buddha!"

I love cheesy humor like that!

[Mrs. Musky]

A priest and a buddhist monk were making toast' date=' and the priest says: " I think there's an image of Jesus in the margarine!" The monk takes a look and says: "I can't believe it's not buddha!"[/quote'] Good one, Christopher!!

[GrumpysWife]

The Top 39 things you would NEVER hear a Southerner say, ever, no matter how much they’ve had to drink, no matter how far from the South they’ve wandered, and no matter how much the skunks are threatening...

39. I’ll take Shakespeare for $1,000, Alex

38. Elvis who?

37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael

36. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken

35. We don’t keep firearms in this house

34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

33. You can’t feed that to the dog

32. I thought Graceland was tacky

31. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe

30. Wrasslin’s fake

29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

28. We’re vegetarians

27. Do you think my hair is too big?

26. I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy

25. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?

24. Who’s Richard Petty?

23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds

22. Deer heads detract from the decor

21. Spitting is such a nasty habit

20. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today

19. Trim the fat off the steak

18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso

17. The tires on that truck are too big

16. I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad

15. I’ve got it all on a floppy disk

14. Unsweetened tea tastes better

13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

12. My fiance, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s

11. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl

10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams

9. Checkmate

8. She’s too old to be wearing a bikini

7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

6. Hey, here’s an episode of Hee Haw that we haven’t seen

5. I don’t have a favorite college team

4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side

3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long

2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer

1. Duct tape won’t fix that

[Musky]

Billy Bob and Jim worked for the Little Rock airport loading luggage. It was Friday night and it was almost quitting time.

As they were relaxing after work, they started talking about what to do on Friday night.

Billy said he'd sure like to go out and get drunk, but really couldn't afford it this week and besides, he didn't like the bad hangover he always ended up with the next morning.

Jim asked him if he had ever drank Jet fuel, because he had heard that it was mostly alcohol and actually tasted pretty good and didn't have the bad hangover affect the next day. Plus since they had easy access to it, it would be free for them.

Billy said he hadn't but was willing to try it, so they skeptically got some and tasted it.

"Hey this isn't bad at all" said Jim, and Billy agreed.

So they both got really drunk and when he woke up at home the next morning, Billy felt great! No hangover at all. He was really impressed!

A few minutes after he woke up his phone rang and it was Jim asking him how he felt.

"I feel really good, Jim that was a great idea, free booze and no hangover at all"!

"Me too, said Jim, but have you farted yet"?

"No" said Billy.

Jim said "Well don't, because I'm in Phoenix"!

[neenie217]

Three old ladies go to a Giants game with a 5th of Tequila. Pretty soon one of them notices that there is only a tiny bit left in the bottle. What inning is it?

[neenie217]

It's the bottom of the 5th with 3 bags loaded.