Joke thread/ funny story

[purplefan]

From india.

[bohemian]

A guy is driving around the back streets of town.

He sees a sign in front of an unkempt terraced house: 'Talking Dog For Sale', so he rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the garden.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten pounds,' the guy says.

'Ten pounds? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the garden.'

[campanula]

Thank you, Christopher!

[bohemian]

A talking dog goes into the Jobcentre looking for a job.

"Have you any work for me?" he says to the clerk.

"Just a minute, I'll make a few calls," says the clerk.

The clerk telephones the circus and tells them he has a talking dog looking for work. "Send him right round," says the Circus owner.

The clerk comes back and tells the dog he has a job for him.

"Go round to the Circus, right away, they have a job for you."

The dog looks puzzled and says to the clerk:

"What does the circus want with a bricklayer?"

[purplefan]

Is that the same talking dog in the other joke?

[GrumpysWife]

Is that the same talking dog in the other joke?

No the first dog has never been out of the garden, but I think they are cousins.

[purplefan]

Those joke by Brother christopher really made me have a good laugh.

Best jokes so far.

[purplefan]

Is that the same talking dog in the other joke?

No the first dog has never been out of the garden, but I think they are cousins.

Good point he would never have been able to get his bricklaying apprenticeship.

Mind you he could have went on the open university.

[bohemian]

I asked the second dog and he says they are distant cousins, but not on speaking terms.

[Musky]

A dog was looking for work one day when he saw a “Help wanted” sign in a window. Under the sign it said they were an equal opportunity employer and that to qualify the applicant would need to have the ability to type, do spreadsheets and be bilingual.

So the dog pulls the sign off of the window, goes in and walks up to the desk of the HR person. The man looks down and sees the dog and asks “Do you want to apply for this job?” The dog wags his tail and barks once. So the man says “Well everybody has a right to apply, although I don’t see how you can qualify since you are a dog. But to be fair, we will let you try”.

He says “Can you type”? The dog barks once, goes to the typewriter and proceeds to type sixty words a minute!

The man says “That’s amazing! But, can you do spreadsheets?”

The dog goes to the computer, opens Excel and creates a spreadsheet.

The man says, “That’s great, you are an amazing dog, but I’m afraid there is no way for you to pass the last requirement, that of being bilingual”

The dog looks up and says “Meow”

[surfergirl]

http://www.funnypica.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/Funny-Dogs-Funny-Dog-Picture-03-FunnyPica.com_.jpg

I am leader of the dog force!

[purplefan]

Chuck i do like a good animal Joke.

[purplefan]

He looks scarier than the real darth vader.

[surfergirl]

To whom do fish go to borrow money from.?

!

The loan shark !

[Hallett 82]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed to the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn!, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[surfergirl]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed to the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn!, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

I love it.. she might have to ask The Swamp people for that one.

[campanula]

A mother bought a turtle to her little daughter.

The girl was thrilled! She played with the turtle whole the day long, but the next morning found this little creature dead.

She started to cry and asked her mom what to do?

Do not cry, darling, mother answered, we will call all your friends to come in, cook a nice dinner with your favorite food and arrange a funeral feast to your turtle.

Right after she said that, the turtle showed up her head and began to crawl.

Seeing this the little girl says: "May I strangle her, mommy, please?"

[purplefan]

How many elders dose it take to change a light bulb?

None, they get the ministerial servant to do it.

[bohemian]

A Higgs boson walks into a church -

"We don't allow Higgs bosons in here!" shouts the priest.

"But without me, how can you have mass?" asks the particle.

[GrumpysWife]

Guess ya have to have been Catholic to get it, huh?

[Hallett 82]

It has to do with todays headlines from the Large Hardron Collider . . Higgs-Boson Particle

[bohemian]

It has to do with todays headlines from the Large Hardron Collider . . Higgs-Boson Particle

Exactly. The Higgs Boson has been called the "God Particle" and it is the theoretical particle which gives mass to everything. All particles found before have no mass, but there must be something which causes things to have mass. Without any mass, gravity would not work. Up to now, it has been theory, but was predicted to exist. Many years and $billions spent trying to actually see it. Now they may have seen it.

Mind you, the joke doesn't work if you have to explain it.

[Hallett 82]

. . . . . Mind you' date=' the joke doesn't work if you have to explain it. [/quote']

That is the way I think of the Catholics Trinity doctrine. . .

[GrumpysWife]

[LeslieDean]

It's okay Vernalee...I did not get it either