A good joke

[dilip kumar]

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[dilip kumar]

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[dilip kumar]

LOT'S WIFE

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted,

"My Mommy looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "And she turned into a telephone pole!"

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THE GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class,

"If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

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DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

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HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times.

But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"

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MOSES AND THE RED SEA

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.

When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed

headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his Mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom, but, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

______________________________ __

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23.

She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.

Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn,

he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

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UNANSWERED PRAYER

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon.

One day, she asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

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BEING THANKFUL

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night?

That's very commendable. What does she say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

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UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER

During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews.

Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked,

"Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?"

Tommy answered soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!"

______________________________ __

TIME TO PRAY

A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.

"Yes, sir." the boy replied.

"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.

"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime"

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ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal

(current and past). For s everal weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."

This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her,

"Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"

Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"

______________________________ __

SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny

received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.

"I don't need to," the boy replied.

"Of course, you do." his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"

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[dilip kumar]

A collage boy had a crush on his classmate.

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One fine day he proposed her.

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But she rejected and threatened that she would complain to the principal if he ever bothered her again. 😵😵😵

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And the boy remains silent for rest of the days.

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Some days later the girl borrows a book from that boy and

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writes in it

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" I love u too. Sorry to hurt you the other day. If you forgive me, please come and speak to me."

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.three years passed,

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But.....

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the boy never approached the girl again.

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MORAL: Collage boys never open their book!😜

Dont laugh alone, pass it on.....👹👹😂😂😂😂😂😂 😃😊

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[leoperales]

That

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was 

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a

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good

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one

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(.)

[dilip kumar]

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[dilip kumar]

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[kejedo]

6 minutes ago, dilip kumar said:

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I'm not a fan of Cat-Fish.

[dilip kumar]

Y

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[Tortuga]

20 minutes ago, kejedo said:

I'm not a fan of Cat-Fish.

[kejedo]

21 hours ago, dilip kumar said:

Y

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Are you asking why I am (no longer) a fan of cats and fish?  I loved cats but developed severe allergies and anaphylaxes (epipens just went from  100 to 600 US dollars). As to fish, I was born right next to a beach on the Atlantic Ocean and know what fresh fish is supposed to taste like.  It doesn't taste that way now.  If you were just entering a random letter 'Y', kindly disregard this post.  Thanks

[dilip kumar]

Diary Of a Young Wife

Monday:

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home.

It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.

Tuesday:

We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.

Wednesday:

I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.

Thursday:

Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.

It said, prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right.I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try to be supportive.

Friday:

Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did,to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday:

Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it's little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work, or he wanted the chicken to dance.

When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out "why me? Why me ?"

Hmmm....It must be his job.

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[kejedo]

When we first got a microwave oven in the 70s, its sticker said "Cuts down your time in the kitchen by 50 per cent." Then I got a package of  converted rice which said "Cuts cooking time in half." Put the rice in a bowl and set it in microwave oven. When I got home from work, nothing had happened.  I don't know who converted that rice, but I believe there was no truth in that advertising.  

[dilip kumar]

Height of misunderstanding in a Chinese Call center:

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie

Wan?

Operator: Yes you can speak to me..

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can

speak to me. Who is this?

Caller: I am Sam Wan, and I need to talk to Annie Wan. It's urgent!

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to speak to anyone.

But what's the urgent matter about?

Caller: Well.. just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident.

Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to hospital. Right

now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the

hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Ree.

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name.

Operator: Oh...God..!! 😂😂

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[niall]

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Dung!

[dilip kumar]

DivorceHilarious
Must Read

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American lady. Although his english wasnt perfect they got along very well.

One day he rushed to the solicitor's and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The solicitor said that getting a divorce would depend on circumstances and asked him the following questions:

Have u any grounds?

Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home

No, i mean what is the foundation of this case

It made of concrete

I dont think u understand. Does either of u have a real grudge

No, we have a carport and not need one

I mean what are ur relations like

All my relations are in Poland

Is there any infidelity in ur marriage

We have hi-fidelity stereo and a good DVD player

Does ur wife beat u up

No i always up before her

Why do u want this divorce

She going to kill me

What makes u think that

I got proof

What kind of proof

She going to poison me
She bought a bottle at drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English well and it say:

POLISH REMOVER!!!!!

Dont laugh alone.....

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Edited September 15, 2016 by carlos

[leoperales]

13 hours ago, dilip kumar said:

DivorceHilarious
Must Read

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American lady. Although his english wasnt perfect they got along very well.

One day he rushed to the solicitor's and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The solicitor said that getting a divorce would depend on circumstances and asked him the following questions:

Have u any grounds?

Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home

No, i mean what is the foundation of this case

It made of concrete

I dont think u understand. Does either of u have a real grudge

No, we have a carport and not need one

I mean what are ur relations like

All my relations are in Poland

Is there any infidelity in ur marriage

We have hi-fidelity stereo and a good DVD player

Does ur wife beat u up

No i always up before her

Why do u want this divorce

She going to kill me

What makes u think that

I got proof

What kind of proof

She going to poison me
She bought a bottle at drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English well and it say:

POLISH REMOVER!!!!!

Dont laugh alone.....

Sent from my C6802 using Tapatalk
 

I see...

Edited September 15, 2016 by carlos

[gayathri]

Bank Officer goes to a south Indian restaurant.
He asks the waiter - What have you got?
Waiter - Idly , vada, uppma, pongal, dosa , poori, parotta, naan, oothappam, idiyappam..

Banker - OK ok..bring idly, vada, and dosa. And 2 oothappam for parcel..

Waiter - Sorry sir...all sold out. Nothing is left.

Banker - Why then the hell you recited such a big menu ?

Waiter - Sir , I go to your ATM daily. After asking for PIN , Account details, Amount required , whether printed receipt required etc.,
It finally says ' 'No Cash'.....

Now you know how it feels when that happens!!!!!



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[dilip kumar]

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”



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[dilip kumar]

A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of 
the blue, the wife says, “I love you.”

“Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.

“It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking 
to the wine.”



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[dilip kumar]

After 12 years in prison, a man 
finally breaks out. When he 
gets home, filthy and exhausted, 
his wife says, “Where have 
you been? You escaped eight hours ago!”

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[dilip kumar]

After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.

"You’re running around with another woman— admit it!" she demanded.

"What other woman?" Adam shot back. "You’re it!"

That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awakened by Eve poking him in the chest.

"What are you doing?"

"Counting your ribs."



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[dilip kumar]

A hilarious quote read about married life today, written by a married person.....

"Only after marriage did I understand why bathrooms are also called RESTROOMS!! "

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[dilip kumar]

What’s wrong, Bubba?” asked the pastor.

“I need you to pray for my hearing,” said Bubba.

The pastor put his hands on 
Bubba’s ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, “So how’s your hearing?”

“I don’t know,” said Bubba. “It isn’t until next Tuesday.”



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[dilip kumar]

Gary was having a yard sale. 
A minister bought a lawn mower 
but returned it a few days later, 
complaining that it wouldn’t run.

“It’ll run,” said Gary. “But you 
have to curse at it to get it started.”

The minister was shocked. “I have not uttered a curse in 30 years.”

“Just keep pulling on the starter rope—the words will come back to you.”



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