How to give a cat a Bath!

[pnutts]

Finally found it -it is same file as to How to Give a Cat a Pill which someone else also posted 

How to Give a Cat A Bath

  Some people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed.

  That somehow they "lick" themselves clean. Well contrary to this popular

  belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their saliva that resembles Tide

  (with or without bleach).

  Cats, like their nemesis, the dog....do get dirty and have a variety of

  odors...from smelling like the outhouse where you

camped last year to the same odor as your dog's breath. (Remember...your dog

will try to eat   anything.)

  Now we all know that cats HATE water. And we know that giving the cat a

  sedative to ease this process of a bath is out of the question.

  So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct.

Remember now, this is not the dumb dog who can be led to tub with lies and

a trail of Kibbles and Bits.

 

Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and total lack

  of concern for you .... you have the advantage of size, strength, and

  the ability to wear protective garments.

 

1) First .... dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is

  suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.

 

2) A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower

  curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3.5 seconds.

 

3) Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area

  beforehand. No ... blow drying the cat after the bath is not suggested.

 

4) Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you still

  need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in the shower,

  so you can reach it even if you are face down or prone in the tub.

 

5) Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up,

  nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying him/her to the supper dish.

  No need to worry about the cat noticing your strange attire, the cat

  barely notices you anyway.

 

6) Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom ....speed is essential.

  In one single liquid motion, shut the door to the bathroom, step into the

  shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. While

  the cat is still in a state of shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt

  whatever part of him is above the water line. You have just begun the

  wildest 45 seconds of your life. Remember that cats have no handles and

  add the fact he now has soapy fur. His state of shock has worn off and

  he's mad.

 

7) As best, you can, wearing welder's gloves, try to field his body as he

  catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If possible, give another

  squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now fully exposed.

 

8) During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub vigorously.

  No need to worry about rinsing. As he slides down the glass enclosure

  into the tub, he will fall back into the water, rinsing himself in the

  process.

 

9) Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The cat will

  realize the lack of traction on the glass by then and will use the next

  attempt on the first available part of you.

 

10) Next, the cat must be dried. No...this is NOT the easiest part. By

  this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just become semi-permanently

  affixed to your right leg. We suggest here that you drain the tub and in

  full view of your cat, reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.

 

11) If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your leg and

  hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat is

  most disgusting, he will be in a much better position for wrapping the

  towel around him.

 

12) Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before opening tub enclosure.

  Open bathroom door .... put towel wrapped cat on floor and step back

  quickly. Into tub, if possible, and do not open enclosure until all you

  can see is the shredded towel.

 

13) In about 2 hours .... it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your cat

  will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog while

  plotting revenge. But doesn't he smell better?????

 

  HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL

 

 1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your

    elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle.  Coo

    confidently, "That's a nice kitty."  Drop the pill in its

    mouth.

 

 2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp & pill from under sofa.

 

 3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws

    down with left hand & back paws down with elbow of right

    arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

 

 4. Retrieve cat from under bed.  Get new pill from bottle.

    (resist impulse to get new cat.)

 

 5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly

    cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit on edge of chair,

    fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your

    left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw &

    pop pill in - quickly!  Since your head is down by your

    knees, you won't be able to see what you are doing. That's

    just as well.

 

 6. Leave cat hanging on drapes.  Leave pill in your hair.

 

 7  If you are a woman, have a good cry.  If you are a man,

    have a good cry.

 

 8. Now pull yourself together.  Who's the boss here anyway?

    Retrieve cat & pill.  Assuming position 1, say sternly,

    "Who's the the boss here anyway?"  Open cat's mouth, take

    pill & ......Oooops!

 

 9. This isn't working, is it?  Collapse & think.  Aha!  Those

    flashing claws are causing the chaos.

 

 10. Crawl to the linen closet.  Drag back a large beach towel.

     Spread towel on floor.

 

 11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter & pill from potted plant.

 

 12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long

     edge.

 

 13. Flatten cat's front & back legs over its stomach. (Resist

     impulse to flatten cat.)

 

 14. Roll cat in towel.  Work fast; time & tabbies wait for no

     man - or woman!

 

 15. Resume position 1.  Rotate your left hand to cat's head.

     Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals

     of a snapdragon.

 

 16. Drop pill into cat's mouth & poke gently. Voila! It's done!

 

 17. Vacuum loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

 

 18. Take two aspirins & lie down.

Edited June 30, 2013 by pnutts

[Miss Bea]

Excellent advice! Then you go find the book, "My Cat is Plotting to Murder Me" and take appropriate counter action.

Edited June 30, 2013 by Miss Bea

[pnutts]

Rerun

[Skyler]

The bath one was funny (and accurate!) but I loved the "pill" one even more! 

[Tortuga]

It's easy to give a cat a bath, the hard part is getting the fur off your tongue. ..

[pnutts]

Hey Turtle. How do You get the cat fur out of your shell?

[Tortuga]

3 minutes ago, pnutts said:

Hey Turtle. How do You get the cat fur out of your shell?

With a water hose..

[pnutts]

15 minutes ago, Tortuga said:

With a water hose..

Fire hose to hose you down.