Jokes

[rocket]

Back at ya!

[GrumpysWife]

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.' Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.. How soon can I go home?'

[NasusJW]

Funny! I love it!

[Spydar]

[rocket]

..................................................MALE VERSUS FEMALE AT THE ATM........................................

A new sign in the Bank reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************

..................................................................MALE PROCEDURE:..........................................................

1. Drive up to the ATM.

2. LOWER your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window.

7. Drive off.

************************* ******

...........................................................................FEMALE PROCEDURE:.......................................

(Unfortunately, most of this is the Truth.!!)

1. Drive up to ATM machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN ..

12. Press CANCEL and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to ATM machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometers.

27. Release Hand Brake.

[Spydar]

good one lynn

[trottigy]

I think someone is going to be in trouble -

[rocket]

When in my lifetime have I ever not been in trouble?

We all sin and fall short of the grace of God. I just do it more than others. I'm still working on that "You must be perfect as Jehovah is perfect" one.

[rocket]

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly grea.........sed coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, The Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

[rocket]

THE OLDER CROWD

A distraught senior citizen

Phoned her doctor's office.

'Is it true,' she wanted to know,

'that the medication

You prescribed has to be taken

For the rest of my life?'

'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence

Before the senior lady replied,

I'm wondering, then,

Just how serious is my condition

Because this prescription is marked

'NO REFILLS'.'

***********************

An older gentleman was

On the operating table

Awaiting surgery

And he insisted that his son,

A renowned surgeon,

Perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia,

He asked to speak to his son

'Yes, Dad, what is it? '

'Don't be nervous, son;

Do your best

And just remember,

If it doesn't go well,

If something happens to me,

Your mother

Is going to come and

Live with you and your wife....'

[Micah]

When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. "Step aside, lady," he barked. "I've taken a course in first-aid!"

The woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. "Pardon me," she said. "But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here."

[retroHelen]

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories.

She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

"The Flight to Egypt ," was his reply .

Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person in front?"

"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"

[Keep Fighting]

Hello brothers and sisters, so many good stories and laughs I got from you all. Thank you a lot.

True story from the county where I live:

For some years ago the Norwegian Prime Minister should visit a home for demented people.

He approached a man saying:" Do you know who I am".

The man said: "If you don't know who you are, ask in the reception".

When I read it in the newspaper.

[trottigy]

OK from the group that brought you - Sam's Clam Disco:

Once there was a Panda that went to a restaurant to eat. He finished his meal and when the check came he took out his 6 shooter and shot a bullet into the roof and then another in the floor.

He looked around and shot a few into the walls - making sure not to hit anyone. Then he left - without paying th bill.

The waiter chased after him and asked - what are you doing ., You need to pay your bill and for the bullet holes.

He says, what ... I was just doing what all Pandas. Look it up in the dictionary.

The person looks into the dictionary and grinned - sure enough he did just what it says - so he let him go.

What did the dictionary say?

Pandas - Eats shoots and leaves.

[GrumpysWife]

Out in the service the brother used this scripture to try and interest the householder who wouldn't come to the door: Rev. 3: 20

A few seconds later the brother heard this: Gen. 3:10

[trottigy]

Gen. 3:10

Nice

[Hammerhead]

The universe is made up of protons neutrons and electrons. Someone forgot to add morons

[surfergirl]

here's one to test the braun.

A man went walking up a hill. he had tweenty sick sheep. one died how many were left?

[rocket]

here's one to test the braun.

A man went walking up a hill. he had tweenty sick sheep. one died how many were left?

How many in OZ is tweenty?

[surfergirl]

20 hmm! twenty

[robert_elv]

here's one to test the braun.

A man went walking up a hill. he had tweenty sick sheep. one died how many were left?

Out of twentysix, one died. So 25 left. am I right?

[surfergirl]

Sorry Bro. please try again.

[rocket]

19

[surfergirl]

19

well done friend. please explain. this was a joke that has been passed on in the Mitchell clan. which is my maiden name.

[LindaL.]

It works beautifully if the question is asked orally: "A man had twenty sick sheep and one died. How many were left?"

When they see it written they immediately answer correctly. Nineteen. (20 - 1 = 19) But if they just hear the question, they understand it as: "A man had twenty-six sheep and one died..." So they answer twenty-five. (26 - 1 = 25). The fun part (for the person asking the question!) is watching the puzzled expressions when you say the answer is wrong, that the correct answer is nineteen. They only "get it" when you repeat the question slowly. "A man had twenty - sick - sheep ..."!