A good joke

[Pabo]

Took my old ute to the mechanics to check out a knocking noise under my hood.

 

I think he is full of hot air when he says if you rev it harder, the noise will eventually disappear.

 

 

Video removed as it contains foul language.

Edited February 6 by WilliamChew
Video removed as it contains foul language.

[rocket]

A wife and her husband married for over 30 years were sitting at the dinner table. Suddenly the wife looks at him and says, "Do you remember when you used to hold my hand? The husband sighs reaches out and holds her hand. She continues, do you remember when you used to kiss me on the cheek?  He leans over and gives her a kiss.  Then she says softly, do you remember how you used to nibble my ear?  The husband stands up and starts walking away. Surprised she asks where are you going?  He replies...
 

Spoiler

to get my teeth !!! 

 

[rocket]

According to your own understanding should man do the dishes?
Definitely not.
Why?
 

Spoiler

It is illegal for men to compete in a women's sport.

 

[rocket]

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised?" "Well, said the director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub?" I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. "No said the director, A normal person would...
 

Spoiler

pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

 

[Mike047]

Before I checked the 'Hide' option..........well, I would prefer a bed near the window

[pnutts]

DIARY OF A BMW DRIVER..

 

The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars
First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!

The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.
Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane.

Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!

Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.
Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!
He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.

Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!

Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!

 

See, now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW!

[rocket]

A man brings his buddy home for dinner... unannonced a 7:30 PM after work.  His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens.
Wife: "My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the h*** did you bring him home?"
Husband: "Because he's thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo!"

[Pabo]

17 hours ago, rocket said:

A man brings his buddy home for dinner... unannonced a 7:30 PM after work.  His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens.
Wife: "My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the h*** did you bring him home?"
Husband: "Because he's thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo!"

 

[rocket]

I'm confused on how a cemetery can raise it's funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living!

[rocket]

Husband: Did you know that scientists say women use 30,000 words a day, while men use only 15,000?

 

Wife: Obviously, because we have to repeat everything we say!

 

Husband: What?

[Pabo]

On 2/16/2026 at 8:40 AM, rocket said:

I'm confused on how a cemetery can raise it's funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living!

 

Just like prepaid funerals, it is just dead money that goes into a pit.

[pnutts]

Two prawns were swimming around in the ocean.

One called Justin and the other called Kristian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area:

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian. "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said. "Your wish is granted"

Low and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn..

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam to Kristian's home. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted. "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Kristian replied. "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back. "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.......

I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Kristian."

[Keep Fighting]

[Percy]

On 2/17/2026 at 3:32 AM, Pabo said:

 

Just like prepaid funerals, it is just dead money that goes into a pit.

My son told me in Taiwan, coffins were supposed to contain the wealth of the man to be buried with him. Somebody had the brilliant idea of writing a cheque for the coffin.

Another even better idea was to photocopy all his money and put that in the coffin.

Whatever works!!!

[Pabo]

5 hours ago, Percy said:

My son told me in Taiwan, coffins were supposed to contain the wealth of the man to be buried with him. Somebody had the brilliant idea of writing a cheque for the coffin.

Another even better idea was to photocopy all his money and put that in the coffin.

Whatever works!!!

 

If there was any cash, jewellery, or anything valuable in the coffin, I would take it and leave a cheque of the corresponding value instead.

Edited 3 hours ago by Pabo

[dljbsp]

This morning I made a discovery about banana bread that has deeply unsettled me.

 

My wife insists on waiting until the bananas are completely mushy before she uses them. Not “soft.” Not “a little spotted.” No. These bananas look like they’ve given up on life. You pick one up and it sighs. At that point, she declares them “perfect.”

 

Now here’s where I get confused.

 

If the bananas are already mushy — visibly, undeniably mushy — why does the banana bread have to bake for an entire hour? An hour. Sixty minutes. As if we’re trying to soften them. Again.

 

I asked her, very reasonably, “If the bananas are already soft… what exactly are we waiting for in the oven?”

 

She just looked at me the way one looks at a man who has wandered into the kitchen without supervision.

 

Apparently the hour is essential. Apparently things are “happening.” Science. Structure. Transformation. Words were used.

 

But from where I stand, it feels like we are putting pre-mushed fruit into a loaf pan and then baking it for an hour to make sure it achieves… maximum mush.

 

I have concluded that banana bread is less about baking and more about commitment. You wait for decay. You celebrate decay. You bake decay. And somehow it becomes dessert.

 

I will continue to observe this ritual from a respectful distance.

 

When the bananas begin to sigh, I will know.

 

It is almost time.