A good joke

[dilip kumar]

[dilip kumar]

Deadly Banking joke.....

A man entered in a bank with gun in his hand and said I just want to deposit cash if u try to pitch me insurance or investments I will shoot myself....

HAPPY MARCH ENDING.

[dilip kumar]

Check ur presence of mind.............Take d test.

relax, clear your mind and begin, what's the 1st answer that comes to ur mind???...........

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer:

"bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else.. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said bread, go to Question 2

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?

Answer:

Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question.

Your brain is over -stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself by reading more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3...

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a

green house made from?

Answer:

Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why the hell are you still reading these?? If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane crashes from 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into East and West Germany) Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, "no

man's land"?

Answer: You don't bury survivors!!! If you said ANYTHING else, you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from Mumbai to Pune. In Mumbai , 17 people get on, in Pune , 16 get off. Name the driver.

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

[dilip kumar]

"April 1 is named FOOL'S DAY, after Steve April. He was born on 1st April 1579. He did 105 businesses in his lifetime. He lost all his father's assets, and so everyone started calling him father of the fools. At 19, he married a 61-year-old woman who divorced him after a year because of his foolishness. He used to read all kinds of fake stories like you are doing now. It's great idea fooling you ...Happy April Fool's day ?"

[dilip kumar]

I enjoyed the above sent to me. So posting it for a smile only.

[Rajan]

About April Fool's day,  I remember  I have received the following from someone  years back.

-------------------------------------------

 

The Case for the Atheist

 

In Florida , an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized Days.

 

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate Presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,"Case Dismissed!"

 

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet My Client and all other atheists have no Such holidays."

 

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, Counsel, is woefully ignorant."

 

The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance Or holiday for atheists."

 

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.'

Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, Then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned

 --------------------------------

[dilip kumar]

[dilip kumar]

[dilip kumar]

Pyar means love

[dilip kumar]

Last but not the least

[dilip kumar]

HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB?

Put about 100 bricks in some Particular order in a closed Room with an Open window.

Then send 2 or 3 candidates in

The room and close the door.

Leave them alone and come back

After 6 hours and then analyze

The situation.

If they are counting the

Bricks.

Put them in the accounts

Department.

If they are recounting them..

Put them in auditing ..

If they have messed up the

Whole place with the bricks.

Put them in engineering.

If they are arranging the

Bricks in some strange order.

Put them in planning.

If they are throwing the

Bricks at each other.

Put them in operations .

If they are sleeping.

Put them in security.

If they have broken the bricks

Into pieces.

Put them in information

Technology.

If they are sitting idle.

Put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried

Different combinations, yet

Not a brick has

Been moved. Put them in sales.

If they have already left for

The day.

Put them in marketing...

If they are staring out of the

Window.

Put them on strategic

Planning..

And then last but not least.

If they are talking to each

Other and not a single brick

Has been

Moved.

Congratulate them and put them

In Top management ....

[dilip kumar]

Lets laugh

[dilip kumar]

Jikafukachirishiki - gayathri

Tekitakino- dilip

[Tcvancoops]

An elder noticed a brother asleep at the kingdom hall. So the elder picked up his bible, and then tapped on the brother's shoulder. The brother opened his eyes, and the elder showed him Mark 13:35 ("Keep looking, keep awake, for you do not know when the appointed time is"). The brother calmly took the bible and flipped to 1 Thessalonians 4:11. He handed the bible back to the brother and went back to sleep.

-"Make it your aim to live quietly and to mind your own business . . ."

[dilip kumar]

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat.The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.

Her husband said: The cat just died.

She burst into tears and said: How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually!

Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on the third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, how is my mom?

Husband: She is playing on the roof.

[Tcvancoops]

On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

(Sorry 'bout the St. Peter part. That's how the original joke goes. If it's unacceptable, I'll get it deleted)

[pnutts]

Last Tuesday, my bible study told me a joke. This man liked to drive fast and knew that God was with him. He kept going faster & faster,80 Km, 100Km, 120 Km, 150 Km, 180 Km then he had an accident and died.

In heaven he asked God why He let him die, wasn't He supposed to be with him?

God answered and said " I got out when you reached 120 Km"

Edited May 3, 2015 by pnutts

[dilip kumar]

The Wonderful Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you really like it.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2015 Models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: '$98,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price make sure it comes with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000.'

MAN: 'well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They will

probably take it. If not, go the extra 50 thousand if you think it's really a pretty good price.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much! You’re so generous!'

MAN: “You’re worth it. 'Bye!'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, with mouths agape.

The wonderful husband turns and asks: "Anybody knows whose phone this is?"

[dilip kumar]

[dilip kumar]

HUSBAND SENT AN SMS TO WIFE

Thanks for making my life wonderful and being a part of my life. What ever I am is only because of u, u r my angel, thanks for coming into my life and making it worth living.

You are great.

SHE replied. have u finished drinking?, now stop messaging, keep ur mouth shut and come home, don't get scared, I will not shout at you..... Come home fast.

Husband. Thank you. I am outside, please open the door.

[dilip kumar]

[Simon17]

Why did the scare-crow win the Noble Prize?

 

A- Because he was out standing in his field.

[kejedo]

and to save paper.

[kejedo]

Am elderly couple went into counseling b/c of their failing communication. The counselor suggested they write everything down for "just in case." On the way home, they went grocery shopping and put away their purchases. Exhausted, the husband asks, "Will you get me an ice cram sundae? "  "Certainly,"  says the wife, "but do you think we should write it down?" "No need," says the husband. "Would you like whipped cream?" asks the loving wife. "Yes," says the husband, "and could you put a cherry on top?" "Of course," says the dutiful wife. About  half hour later, the doting wife appears with a plate of bacon and eggs. "What about the toast?" exclaims her dear hubby.

[Allabord4Jah]

Wonderful, thank you, my eyes needed a bath!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL