How to handle bad apologies!

[DancesWithWife]

I think most of us can relate to these types of apologies. 

 

[Frances Bennett]

It can be very frustrating when people don't take accountability.

 

Putting myself in their shoes helps me. It can be hard when you're faced with something you've done wrong, especially if it was accidental or through a personality flaw you're only too aware of 🤦‍♀️

 

I try to remember the purpose of speaking to someone that has hurt me - Matthew 18:15

 

“Moreover, if your brother commits a sin, go and reveal his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother."

 

So I wouldn't handle it the way the chap in the video does. It seems like he's wringing out of the person the apology that he needs, pinning the person down verbally, thinking only about his own feelings.

 

That's not going to "gain your brother" or make for a peaceful feeling going forward.

 

So before I bother going to speak to anyone I try to examine my own motives, like it says in this old Awake article:

 

"For one thing, your resolve to sound out matters calls for you to examine your personal motives. Do you simply want to vent your feelings? Or seek retribution? Is the matter really that serious? Have you really been wronged so terribly? Was it possibly all a mistake? Bear in mind what your motive should be: to gain your brother. To win him over, to gain him back"

https://www.jw.org/finder?wtlocale=E&docid=101980770&srctype=wol&srcid=share&par=11

 

And then if I decide to go forward and then I get a rubbish apology I try to say thank you to them for apologising, and then I explain to them how their apologising will help me.

 

Usually after that, the next words out of their mouth are a better apology, one where the tension is broken and they feel the motive I have - which should be love, to reach peace with them, to restore a warm bond.

 

Edited August 21 by Frances Bennett

[Mike047]

I wonder how much of the information in the 1000 year new scrolls will be about interpersonal skills

[DancesWithWife]

3 hours ago, Frances Bennett said:

It can be very frustrating when people don't take accountability.

True, we had a young, now former MS go past me on the highway, speeding at least 20MPH over the speed limit. Turned out he was the chairman. When I talked to him about it he tried turning around and said he was sorry I was offended. I told him don't worry about me worry about offending Jehovah. 6 months later the MS was no longer one of Jehovah's Witnesses.

[Mike047]

Sad, though, that the young MS had not steadied his relationship with Jehovah, but it is concerning that the culture of 'I' can be especially pervasive among the young.

[computerwiz]

3 hours ago, Frances Bennett said:

It can be very frustrating when people don't take accountability.

 

It is so pervasive in society, we don't even realize how bad it is.

 

Take for example allergies.  We don't blame ourselves......we blame "that tree over there!"  Or "that cat you have!"

 

If it was that thing's fault....it would affect everyone.  But it isn't.  There's something wrong in your body that is reacting to "that thing".  Something malfunctioning in your systems.

 

And the more you think about it, the more instances you'll find of blaming something else for our issues.  

 

 

[Miss Bea]

I have a doozie. In fact, a couple of them. From the same person. 
1. Fifty year friendship.

2. Dropped me like a hot potatoe. When she married (the second time, and I was, um, her, best friend. Did not get invited to the wedding.) 
3. Reestablished friendship. (years later)

4. Had a major misunderstanding over a conscious matter. (This site in fact)

5. I prayed about it. Tried to get bridges mended, yes, for years.

6. Got a note. (This is all in the mail) wanted to, “persue peace”.

7.  Eventually I was told our friendship door was closed. For good. (My poblem was i was treating her lime a good friend, chatty letters. 
     (Not long, just me being me) and, by the way, so and so does not want to be your friend either. (A sister)

8. Um, in no uncertain terms, i let her know this was not how to treat one of Jehovshʼs people, and, by the way, Jehovah saw as much value

    In me, as her. A pioneer, by the way. 
8. Got a note from her, apologizing, and she cited Psałms 145:14-16. Signed, your sis. 
 

During this fiasco, (over a matter of years, the last blow up over me not leaving this site) she has used our WT lesson to, um, beat me up. Sent me a note on pursuing peace, (the convention cinched this one), then sent me a letter dismissing me, then, i tell her in no uncertain 

how unhealthy this wss, spiritually, then i get this note from her, citing a scripture.. 

This has been hard for me. We raised our kids together. (She has since moved out of our area) 

My biggest fear, to be blunt, was the lack of real forgiveness, (yes, after the WT study, beat up, i said some things that were true, but not all that flattering) and how Jehovah viewed it. 
(I once had a sister in our congregation treat me really mean. I went out of my way to regain her as a sister. I did not want her to be held responsible before Jehovah. She had mild mental issues, but that did not matter to me. She has died, and, yes, we were friends) 

So, here I am. A part of me deciding, “yes it’s over, but…

I guess I need to pray more. I know we are to trust our spiritual family, and believe what they say, but, well, I’m okay. I haven’t responded, and don’t plan to. All I want is this to be okay before Jehovah. 
I once wanted us to be good friends again. Now, i just want it okay before Jehovah, and move on. To me, she is one of the 8 million, plus, i love

as my spiritual family. 
This is muddled. I know. But, that is where Iʼm at. Still a bit confused. 
(If this needs to be moved to where the puplic canʼt see it, please!  
 

[computerwiz]

38 minutes ago, Miss Bea said:

I have a doozie. In fact, a couple of them. From the same person. 
1. Fifty year friendship.

2. Dropped me like a hot potatoe. When she married (the second time, and I was, um, her, best friend. Did not get invited to the wedding.) 
3. Reestablished friendship. (years later)

4. Had a major misunderstanding over a conscious matter. (This site in fact)

5. I prayed about it. Tried to get bridges mended, yes, for years.

6. Got a note. (This is all in the mail) wanted to, “persue peace”.

7.  Eventually I was told our friendship door was closed. For good. (My poblem was i was treating her lime a good friend, chatty letters. 
     (Not long, just me being me) and, by the way, so and so does not want to be your friend either. (A sister)

8. Um, in no uncertain terms, i let her know this was not how to treat one of Jehovshʼs people, and, by the way, Jehovah saw as much value

    In me, as her. A pioneer, by the way. 
8. Got a note from her, apologizing, and she cited Psałms 145:14-16. Signed, your sis. 
 

During this fiasco, (over a matter of years, the last blow up over me not leaving this site) she has used our WT lesson to, um, beat me up. Sent me a note on pursuing peace, (the convention cinched this one), then sent me a letter dismissing me, then, i tell her in no uncertain 

how unhealthy this wss, spiritually, then i get this note from her, citing a scripture.. 

This has been hard for me. We raised our kids together. (She has since moved out of our area) 

My biggest fear, to be blunt, was the lack of real forgiveness, (yes, after the WT study, beat up, i said some things that were true, but not all that flattering) and how Jehovah viewed it. 
(I once had a sister in our congregation treat me really mean. I went out of my way to regain her as a sister. I did not want her to be held responsible before Jehovah. She had mild mental issues, but that did not matter to me. She has died, and, yes, we were friends) 

So, here I am. A part of me deciding, “yes it’s over, but…

I guess I need to pray more. I know we are to trust our spiritual family, and believe what they say, but, well, I’m okay. I haven’t responded, and don’t plan to. All I want is this to be okay before Jehovah. 
I once wanted us to be good friends again. Now, i just want it okay before Jehovah, and move on. To me, she is one of the 8 million, plus, i love

as my spiritual family. 
This is muddled. I know. But, that is where Iʼm at. Still a bit confused. 
(If this needs to be moved to where the puplic canʼt see it, please!  
 

 

Romans 12:18 - If possible, as far as it depends on you, be peaceable with all men.

 

Sometimes it isn't possible.  But it sounds like you did your part.  Yes we pursue peace, but in the end, it takes 2 for there to be peace.  Both play a part.

 

Keep on doing your part....leave the rest to Jehovah.  And feel Jehovah's forgiveness.....humans are imperfect, you may never get the forgiveness you want from her.  Keep doing your part...Jehovah is your judge, not her.

[Dolce vita]

3 hours ago, Miss Bea said:

I have a doozie. In fact, a couple of them. From the same person. 
1. Fifty year friendship.

2. Dropped me like a hot potatoe. When she married (the second time, and I was, um, her, best friend. Did not get invited to the wedding.) 
3. Reestablished friendship. (years later)

4. Had a major misunderstanding over a conscious matter. (This site in fact)

5. I prayed about it. Tried to get bridges mended, yes, for years.

6. Got a note. (This is all in the mail) wanted to, “persue peace”.

7.  Eventually I was told our friendship door was closed. For good. (My poblem was i was treating her lime a good friend, chatty letters. 
     (Not long, just me being me) and, by the way, so and so does not want to be your friend either. (A sister)

8. Um, in no uncertain terms, i let her know this was not how to treat one of Jehovshʼs people, and, by the way, Jehovah saw as much value

    In me, as her. A pioneer, by the way. 
8. Got a note from her, apologizing, and she cited Psałms 145:14-16. Signed, your sis. 
 

During this fiasco, (over a matter of years, the last blow up over me not leaving this site) she has used our WT lesson to, um, beat me up. Sent me a note on pursuing peace, (the convention cinched this one), then sent me a letter dismissing me, then, i tell her in no uncertain 

how unhealthy this wss, spiritually, then i get this note from her, citing a scripture.. 

This has been hard for me. We raised our kids together. (She has since moved out of our area) 

My biggest fear, to be blunt, was the lack of real forgiveness, (yes, after the WT study, beat up, i said some things that were true, but not all that flattering) and how Jehovah viewed it. 
(I once had a sister in our congregation treat me really mean. I went out of my way to regain her as a sister. I did not want her to be held responsible before Jehovah. She had mild mental issues, but that did not matter to me. She has died, and, yes, we were friends) 

So, here I am. A part of me deciding, “yes it’s over, but…

I guess I need to pray more. I know we are to trust our spiritual family, and believe what they say, but, well, I’m okay. I haven’t responded, and don’t plan to. All I want is this to be okay before Jehovah. 
I once wanted us to be good friends again. Now, i just want it okay before Jehovah, and move on. To me, she is one of the 8 million, plus, i love

as my spiritual family. 
This is muddled. I know. But, that is where Iʼm at. Still a bit confused. 
(If this needs to be moved to where the puplic canʼt see it, please!  
 

I cannot help but see in this half century of friendship much more success than defeat. You don't stay in a bond for 50 years, even while fighting, without there being something to save. Now, visibly, all this must be combined in the future. We don't give up, we just postpone.  That said : a friend who plays the link on an injunction to leave for example this web site (or nothing)... there are ranges to review I think.

 

Very beloved Miss Bea, comfort yourself. : your friendship will triumph but in the meantime :  let us be your friends, it's a privilege.

 

We love you Sister Bea..

[Miss Bea]

I know, my dear, dear sister. I know. And yes, I count many of you as my close friends. Blessed, I am. 
I have decided to wait until after Armageddon for this to be fully mended. I know this dear sister. Really know her. I believe she is a narcissist. But…she does so much for Jehovah. I know he knows her value. And, it is great. 
It can’t have been easy for her, just like it’s not been easy for any of us. I’ve learned from her, and, yes, I hoped she’d learn from me. We are just opposites in so many ways, but we both love Jehovah. 
Friends? We have a really small congregation, and, yes, I do have really close friends. The kind we really, really need, to be able to thrive.

She and I have invested so very much in this friendship, that I had to fight for it. As much  I possibly could. I did, and, I’m pretty well done, this side of Armageddon, anyway. 
I’m okay, and I’m hoping she is okay, secure and happy. As I am. 

[hatcheckgirl]

12 hours ago, DancesWithWife said:

I think most of us can relate to these types of apologies. 

 

I can see this as a good way to set boundaries. While we never want to be unkind, we nevertheless can help others see things differently, or do things better. - Rom 15:14.
 

In fact, who of us haven’t used those apologies ourselves, not realising they are really shallow and basically just justifying ourselves - not real apologies. I particularly hate the one “I’m sorry you feel that way”. I just realised it’s quite awful when others say that to us. So, I’m going to be careful not to say that one ever again. If we really are sorry, then we can express it better, in a more genuine way.

[minister159]

20 hours ago, hatcheckgirl said:

I particularly hate the one “I’m sorry you feel that way”.

 

I said this to a man in service one day who started a rant right off the bat about how we weren't Christians and we were false prophets and we were going to burn in hell, etc. As soon as I said it, he barked back at me, " NO, I feel sorry for you!" I just said, "OK, you have a nice day," and left.

 

First of all, I didn't say, "I feel sorry for you," but that "I'm sorry you feel that way." There is as difference and I didn't feel there was anything I needed to apologize for. What I meant was, I was sorry he felt that way, because I knew there was no getting through to him.

[hatcheckgirl]

Yes, that is certainly appropriate in that situation. But when they have wronged us personally, and as an apology use that phrase, it’s grating and insincere. Like they don’t care to accept they had a part in causing us to feel that way, when they did. 

[LeolaRootStew]

Another thing is to not argue about the intentions of the person who offended. Sometimes they get so caught up in defending what "they meant" by it that they gloss over the part where they hurt you. That's why I don't argue about intent - it's not the point. Just because someone may have misinterpreted something doesn't mean you shouldn't care about their feelings. And if you act like their feelings don't matter because they misunderstood, then you are saying their feelings don't matter to you, which hurts them even more.

 

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for it to come across that way; I'll try to phrase it better next time, but this is what I meant :____. I'm sorry I hurt you, I would be upset too."

 

Validate and apologize.

[BLEmom]

I think there’s a fine line. There are a lot of mental health issues going on that makes it tricky and not as black and white as that video makes it seem. 

 

We cannot control how others react to things. Of course, we can apologize to some extent but some people do have unreasonable expectations of how others should treat them or how they expect you to respond.  

 

Remember no one can make us feel anything. I tell myself this all the time. I try to examine why I feel the way I do and see how I can adjust my own thinking. Many times we feel things based on previous experiences or upbringing. That is not the fault of the person who “offended us”. That is why it’s good to do a self examination first and see if you can cover over with love before you decide to approach someone looking for an apology. 

I have seen several situations of people getting offended because a sister was being “too nosey “. The sister in question was just asking normal get to know you questions. Like, Did you recently move here?  Where are you from?  Do you have family locally?  Of course not in a quiz show manner but trying to be conversational.
How would one know you don’t want to be asked anything other than how are you if they don’t know you?  Some of these people are the same ones who complain they don’t have any friends. 😵‍💫
 

https://psychcentral.com/blog/on-the-destructive-belief-that-no-one-can-make-us-feel-anything

 

All of us have some sort of mental health issue. After all we’ve been raised in the prison of sin. It’s good to remember how much we can help ourselves in these situations instead of looking for others to provide what we want.