The Silence Between me...And Jehovah!

[Timl1980]

When I went to my grandpa’s funeral the other day, I honestly didn’t expect anything to break through the spiritual fog I’ve been living in. If I'm being blunt...I’ve been spiritually thin for weeks...maybe even months now...and I’ve been carrying around this quiet shame about it. I’ve been attending meetings on Zoom, half-present, half somewhere else entirely. My study habits have fallen apart. My prayers feel like they start strong in my chest...but die before they have the ability to reach my mouth. And honestly, (except for a few people), I’ve been afraid to admit any of this out loud because it feels like one more failure stacked on top of everything else that’s already crushing me.

 

But at the end of the funeral, my Uncle gave the prayer and said something in it that stopped me cold. It clung to me...refusing to let go...and I now fully believe that wasn't JUST my Uncle speaking...that was Jehovah...talking through him...directly to me.

 

He said Jehovah misses my grandpa’s thoughts. Not just his presence...not just his service...but his thoughts. I don’t know why that hit me the way it did, but it felt like someone reached inside my chest and pulled a cord I didn’t even realize was still connected. Because if Jehovah misses my grandpa’s thoughts, then Jehovah has been missing mine too...and that realization crushed me. For the first time in a while...I went home...fired up my computer, made myself a steaming hot cup of Maxwell House...and started doing some personal research.

 

Not research for a Midweek meeting...or a Watchtower study...but just for ME.

 

You know...Psalm 139:1-4 is one of those scriptures we hear so often that it becomes background noise. “Jehovah knows our thoughts before we speak them.”

 

I usually take that to mean he’s interested in us...that he's aware of everything. But sitting there in my computer room...sipping from that steaming mug...I suddenly heard it differently.

 

If Jehovah knows my thoughts before I speak them, then he also knows when those thoughts toward him have gone “quiet”. I mean, that only makes sense, right?

 

He knows when the conversation has stopped. He knows when the prayers have dried up. He knows when the spiritual part of me that used to reach for him with wide open arms has suddenly gone silent. And if he knows what it's like when we're engaged...when we're pouring our heart out to him...if he can FEEL that...then it follows that he also feels the absence of it.

 

But he's not angry at me...he's not judging me...he's actually longing for me to start speaking again. The more I thought about this...the more another verse began to tug at my brain...pulling me deeper into my research...pushing me further from Satan and his thinking...tugging me towards Jehovah...towards his outstretched arms.

 

Malachi 3:16 suddenly sprang to mind...the verse about Jehovah listening so closely to the conversations of those who fear him that he writes them down in a book of remembrance. I’ve always thought of that verse as something encouraging, something that shows how much Jehovah values loyalty.

 

But now I’m seeing the other side of it. If Jehovah "writes down" our spiritual conversations...if he records them, if he appreciates them THAT much...then what does it mean when the pages go blank...when the entries stop...when a gap appears, like when you're recording your voice and suddenly stop talking for a few seconds.

 

Again, it means Jehovah notices. It means he feels the silence...it's like he starts straining to hear us...to detect WHY we've quit talking. It means he misses the sound of MY voice.

 

And that’s where I’ve been...I've been living in that silence...in that “pause” of the voice recording. My wife is overseas, dealing with medical issues that keep getting mishandled. She’s in a homeless shelter. She’s not getting the help she needs. Every day I wake up with this knot in my chest that doesn’t go away, and every night I go to bed with the same knot, only tighter...thicker...heavier. My thoughts have been consumed by fear, frustration, helplessness, and guilt...that's just the plain and simple truth. 

 

And somewhere in the middle of all this chaos, my spiritual voice dimmed. Not because I stopped loving Jehovah. Not because I don’t care. But because I’ve been mentally and emotionally exhausted in a way I don’t know how to explain to anyone...not even to Jehovah. (Try THAT thought on for size)

 

So when my Uncle said Jehovah misses my grandpa’s thoughts, it felt like Jehovah was quietly telling me, “Tim, I miss yours too.” Not in the way to make me feel ashamed. Not in a “get it together, Tim!” kind of way either.

 

But in a way that reminded me that my relationship with him isn’t built on perfect attendance or flawless study habits. It’s built on connection...on conversation...on thoughts that turn toward him even when life is tearing and ripping you apart...even then.

 

That’s why I’m going to the Kingdom Hall this morning. It’s been over a month since I’ve walked through those doors. I don’t have answers for the questions people will ask. I don’t have a neat explanation for the mess my life is in. I don’t have some powerful spiritual comeback story.

 

But I do have one desire today...just one honest, fragile goal that I desperately want to accomplish this morning.

 

I want to turn the volume up just a little.

 

Not all the way...I'm not ready for that yet...I'm not even sure I'm ready for this. But I'm going to try...because if there's one thing I know for certain: there is temporary pain in serving Jehovah...but there is everlasting death in choosing the other side.

 

And if any of you reading this are struggling in your own way...if your prayers have gone quiet, if your study has gone cold, if your meeting attendance has slipped...if your thoughts toward Jehovah have been drowned out by fear or grief or exhaustion...please believe me: Jehovah misses your thoughts too! Not your performance...not your “perfection”...no, he misses your thoughts...the ones you used to give him...the ones you still want to give him even if you don’t know how.

 

Honestly...just speaking plainly among friends...I may regress. I may crawl back into my hole and ask the ground to cover me over. I may get hurt today...someone may offend me...may unknowingly rip open wounds that are still bleeding and raw...but I'm going anyways.

 

Why?

 

Because Jehovah misses my thoughts...and because the silence between me and my best friend is something that I can no longer endure.

 

Even if everyone else in that Kingdom Hall were to suddenly descend upon me and start asking hurtful questions or saying mean things, (obviously I'm exaggerating), I'm not there to listen to them anyway. I'm there because my best friend is there...because HE misses my thoughts...and truthfully...because I can no longer endure the silence between me...and Jehovah.

[Good-O]

Bro Tim.  I really appreciate your honesty.  It brought tears to my eyes.  I have two family members that may feel this same way!  I am going to send to them your thoughts and hope they honestly hear what your are saying and  apply it to themselves.  I have certainly applied to myself!  I think we all 'slip' at times and that needs to be quickly corrected in ourselves.  Thank you for your honesty and happy to hear you are 'recovering'.  DG

[AYMA]

34 minutes ago, Timl1980 said:

Honestly...just speaking plainly among friends...I may regress. I may crawl back into my hole and ask the ground to cover me over. I may get hurt today...someone may offend me...may unknowingly rip open wounds that are still bleeding and raw...but I'm going anyways.

What beautiful meaningful expressions.

FWIW, I have been the sister who asked about someone, something and quickly realized, within seconds, how regrettable my words were. Please know, sometimes, we goof up ... royally. Mostly it is because, sadly, we don't know what to say and say the wrong thing. Lovingly, the person responded, "It's not something I want to talk about right now." I totally respected that! She turned what I mistakenly thought was kindness back to me. 

Maybe, just maybe, you can prepare yourself with simple kind words to indicate one way or another, you're not open to discuss those deep thoughts, personal situations, etc etc., but you are glad to be there. Simple. If at all possible, that is. 

Jehovah sees you and your wife. You both matter.

Thank you for sharing because it really helps us all in many ways. 💙

[trottigy]

We love you Tim! Empathy is not my strong emotion, but you moved me too.

 

This system stinks and watching our loved ones suffer takes it out of us. I hope your wife finds good help. That constant search is hard too. 

 

May Jehovah give you both the strength you need and the peace of God that protects your heart and mind (Phil 4:6-9).

 

 

 

Edited 17 hours ago by trottigy

[Dages]

3 hours ago, Timl1980 said:

My prayers feel like they start strong in my chest...but die before they have the ability to reach my mouth.

Jehovah may have been missing your thoughts, because He has been reading your heart's letters, Tim.

He wants you to read them outloud to Him, dear brother

 

[Nnaemeka]

>>He said Jehovah misses my grandpa’s thoughts. Not just his presence...not just his service...but his thoughts. I don’t know why that hit >>me the way it did, but it felt like someone reached inside my chest and pulled a cord I didn’t even realize was still connected. Because if >>Jehovah misses my grandpa’s thoughts, then Jehovah has been missing mine too...and that realization crushed me. For the first time in a >>while...I went home...fired up my computer, made myself a steaming hot cup of Maxwell House...and started doing some personal >>research.

Waoh! That's profound. Jehovah missing our thoughts when we are dead. It's a profound truth which has always been there but on reading that verse, which says Jehovah discerns our thoughts while we are living... So if he misses our thoughts when we are dead, it shows a connection to Job which says Jehovah in fact yearns to bring his faithful ones back to life. Waoh! No wonder it hit you in a different way. It hit me like a Wow! moment. 

I learned one thing: Our thoughts are a shared relationship we have with Jehovah and no one else, unless we choose to share with others. And if Jehovah misses it, then surely he yearns to bring us to life in the resurrection so that relationship can continue. 
I wish I had an opportunity to share that with someone else in a way they can understand how valuable, cherished and loved we are by Jehovah even if and when we sleep in death. 
That's profound bro. Very profound. Thanks for sharing. 

Next time I happen to read Psalm 139 I would attempt to try it on the other lines, not just that line on discerning our thoughts while alive. 
Thanks for sharing. 

[DLJBSP]

Tim, even while you felt that your thoughts toward Jehovah had gone quiet, everything you wrote shows that your heart never really left him. You were overwhelmed, grieving, frightened for your wife, and simply exhausted—and Jehovah knew the difference between silence caused by indifference and silence caused by pain. Going to the Hall was the right thing. So is honestly telling Jehovah where you have been. You may have felt far away from him. I know he was never far away from you.

ub

Dave

[kejedo]

Tim, hope you can get on a zoom chat just for association from ones who care. Nobody knows  your situation right now, but many are concerned and would like to offer compassion,  if not specific answers. Thinking of you,  YS.

  

[kejedo]

Hi again, Tim. Was talking to a sis and Brother today. He writes, also, and we were talking about our recent losses. His  Dad passed away beginning  of Covid. He sometimes writes down things he would say to his Dad to catch up his incomplete  conversations. I mentioned some convos I wish I could have with Keith. Just wondering, are there any things your  grandfather said that you would like to  add on to or think? Would love  to hear more about him.

 

[ChrisW]

Before I went to meeting this morning I read your post out loud to my husband.  We both cried. Not only because of your pain but because you said so many things we all feel at times.  And so even at your lowest point my brother you helped lift so many. You pushed yourself and also pulled along those who were needing a little extra. Thank you for sharing it.  We pray for you and your wife.  Soon we will see Jehovah's deliverance from all our troubles.  

[Timl1980]

2 hours ago, kejedo said:

mentioned some convos I wish I could have with Keith. Just wondering, are there any things your  grandfather said that you would like to  add on to or think? Would love  to hear more about him.

 

Honestly, my cousin gave the funeral talk and he said so many things about my grandpa that I never knew...it made me feel ashamed. My grandpa was in the truth is entire life, my step dad's family has five generations in the truth, so it runs deep in the family. But to be completely honest, I never really got to know him like that. I was around him from when my Mom married my step dad at the age of 6. We moved to the family farm that had been in their family for generations only to sell the farm a couple of years later because the farm simply didn't pay for itself anymore. That sort of caused a rift in the family, so it was a bit strained growing up. As a teenager, I was too full of rebellion to really get to know him, and then I was incarcerated for 15 years after that, so I really missed out on all those memories that my cousin spoke about at the funeral. It wasn't until after I got out of prison that I really got to know him a little bit, and I liked what I saw. He loved to reminisce, he remembered things about being in the truth and the early days before they were even elders, back when they met in a tiny schoolhouse as their Kingdom Hall. We had many good conversations when I would stop by their house and visit for a while, I think one of the primary reasons that family rift healed was because I was one of the only grandchildren stopping by on a semi regular basis just to visit. But it wasn't too long before he started losing his eyesight and withdrawing into himself, although even then we had some good talks about the good old days. He had forgotten more about farming than most people would ever learn in a lifetime...and he knew more about the area where he grew up and the people in it then probably 99% of the other people living in that area. Listening to him was like watching a movie in your head, that's the best way I can describe it. He was very good with names and remembered details that most people would consider irrelevant, but those tiny little details actually gave the spice and the flavor to his stories. That's what I remember about him most, thanks for asking. I know we all look forward to seeing those we love brought back, I don't think it'll be long now

[Timl1980]

Also, a quick update on the meeting. I ended up coming in a few minutes after the meeting started. A lot of people smiled and waved and we're really happy to see me, one person even came up during the meeting and gave me a hug from behind as I sat on my chair. I really enjoyed being there in person, but I will be completely honest with you guys, my focus was inwards rather than outwards. I sat there and nearly right away, Satan jumped on my back by means of a message from my wife expressing her disgust and outrage at the legal system and hospital system in the UK...a system that was essentially leaving her to die on her own without much practical help. 

 

I know she wasn't thinking about the time difference, I know she wasn't really aware that I was sitting at the hall when she typed that message. But it immediately arrested my attention and all the feelings and emotions came rushing back. I spent the first 10 or 15 minutes of that poor brother's talk in tears, just fighting to wrestle my attention back and try to pay attention. 

 

The Watchtower study was a shambles, I faded in and out of awareness as brothers and sisters made really good comments around me. I couldn't really concentrate, I kept having to pull my attention back to the study...it was really hard not to give up and walk out and sit in my car. 

 

But I stuck it out, I stayed. 

 

One older brother approached me right after the last prayer and shook my hand and said he missed my comments and my presence and it was good to see me back, and...laying everything out on the table...it opened a wound. I know he didn't mean it that way, but it made me immediately aware of what I was NO LONGER doing...and it hurt.

 

But I stayed, and I associated a little. 

 

A brother invited me out to eat, throwing in for good measure that he would pay for the meal, but I turned him down. I'm deeply grateful that he even thought of me, but that wasn't really the point of me going to the meeting today. 

 

I know Jehovah uses the friends, and believe me, I DID get encouragement from being there and seeing everyone...despite how I sound now. I'm just choosing to be blunt, I'm choosing to say the things that I often leave unsaid. 

 

I went because I needed to speak to my best friend today...I needed to be in his house...to be close to where he was. I felt peace sitting there, I felt like a couple of pieces of the puzzle that make up "me" suddenly clicked back into place...it felt warm and comfortable.

 

Again, I'm not claiming that I'm healed, that everything is good now. I'm fully aware that I may regress at some point, but for right now I feel like my battery was recharged somewhat, and I'm happy with that for right now. 

 

Thank you to everyone who read, commented or left an emoji. I'm trying very hard to be transparent with all of this, it's not easy when it feels like I'm 30 ft below the surface of an ocean and I'm struggling to kick my way back up to the surface just to take a single breath of fresh air before I get sucked back under. 

 

I know Jehovah is there, he's already proven that many times over. It's on me to stay close to him, it's just a little bit harder when I feel like Satan and his demons have climbed onto my back and are refusing to let go.

 

 

Edited 9 hours ago by Timl1980

[ChrisW]

I'm so proud of you.  I'm proud to call you my brother.  I understand why you were distracted but your presence at the meeting allowed you to receive encouragement from Jehovah and your spiritual family. One step at a time. 💚

[computerwiz]

@ChrisW beat me to it! 

 

Very proud of you my brother. Happy to hear you went AND stuck around.   

 

39 minutes ago, ChrisW said:

One step at a time. 💚

 

^^^^^^^^

[kejedo]

Wow! I like the details,that writer's edge. Was going in in a car group Sunday and said sorry, I have to hand out no doze but the brother who is a writer was amused by the journalistic approach.