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Sometime to Laugh At While Waiting for the Blizzard of 2016

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'Two cannibals were eating a clown – one said to the other, 'Does he taste funny to you?'

Oliver Hardy: 'Didn't you once tell me that you had an uncle?'
Stan Laurel: 'Sure, I've got an uncle. Why?'
Oliver: 'Now we're getting somewhere. Is he living?'
Stanley: 'No. He fell through a trap door and broke his neck.'
Oliver: 'Was he building a house?'
Stanley: 'No, they were hanging him.'

The wife’s mother said: ‘When you’re dead, I’ll dance on your grave.’
I said: ‘Good. I’m being buried at sea.’

The worst two Winters of the 20th century . . . Mike and Bernie.'

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.'

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.'

Where there's a will – there's a relative!'

'Lot of strip clubs in Florida. Good grief. Florida has so many strip clubs, they need to change their state flag to a brass pole.'

I met a beautiful girl last night, but she was rather thin. I mean this is a skinny girl. You never saw anybody so thin. She turned sideways you didn’t see her. I took her to a restaurant and the maître‘d said to me, ‘Can I check your umbrella?’

I don't trust that man. Before he gave his business cards out, he shuffled them.'

I'm so ugly. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

I like the pope. You know that white thing on his head? If you push that down and twist it, he's full of sweets.'

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14 hours ago, Tortuga said:

Some of those are pretty funny!

Just some?  Not most?

How about?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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If you are not supposed to eat at night why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in panic like the people who were riding with him.

When Adam and Eve first met I wonder how it went.  Adam was probably very excited by the beautiful creature in front of him.  If Eve was like women today she probably looked around and said, "It will take me forever to get this place cleaned up.

Or maybe, like many women today, she looked at Adam and said, "Stand up straight, dear"

Or maybe, like many women today, she said, "Well.  He isn't perfect, but I can change him."  

Edited by Witness1970
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Yep. They're perfect for a 2016 snow-in day (blizzard). Though I'm certainly not complaining about having to stay in. Gives me a chance to rest. I mean, I tried to rest before but always found things to do as in app's, etc. Now there's no choice. 

Haha! But would you believe now I'm beginning to feel a little bored? Lol.

Edited by Luezette

Adding more.
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My grandchildren came to visit in the last bad cold spell and I noticed a patch of ice in front of the front door.  No way for anyone to get the door without walking on ice.  Well, I went out and started removing the ice and before I finished I fell.....hard.  Two months ago I had surgery to install a pacemaker.  That makes me a cyborg.  I have been told to avoid impacts.  I guess that means avoiding icy spots from now until Armageddon, or I die (whichever comes first.

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