Word Quips

[Musky]

Here is a few, can you post others?

 

 

Those who  jump off a bridge in Paris are in seine...

A man's home  is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the  same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use  condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or  death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the  monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of  grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor  play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
 Condoms  should be used on every conceivable occasion

Reading  while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists  meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its  own because it is two tired.

Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken  crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay  your exorcist, You get repossessed

With her  marriage,  He got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
 You  feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
 Local  Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
 Every  calendar's days are numbered.
 A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.
 A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
 He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
 A midget fortune-teller who escapes from  prison is a small medium at large.
 Once you've seen one shopping center, You've seen a mall.
 Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis..
 Santa's helpers are  subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture  is a jab well done.
 

Edited January 26, 2017 by Musky

[Tortuga]

Foghorn Leghorn Sayings

“His muscles are as soggy as a used tea bag”
“That boy’s about as sharp as a bowling ball”
“That boy’s as timid as a canary at a cat show”
“That woman’s as cold as a nudist on an iceberg”
“That kid’s about as sharp as a pound of wet liver”
“Nice girl, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice”
“Nice boy but he’s got more nerve than a bum tooth”
“Smart boy, got a mind like a steel trap – full of mice”
“He’s so dumb he thinks a Mexican border pays rent”
“Oh, that woman, got a mouth like an outboard motor”
“That dog’s like taxes, he just don’t know when to stop”
“That boy’s as strong as an ox, and just about as smart”
“Boy’s gotta mouth like a cannon, always shootin’ it off”
“This boy’s more mixed up than a feather in a whirlwind”
“That, I say that boy’s just like a tatoo, gets under your skin”
“Kid don’t quit talkin’ so much he’ll get his tongue sunburned”
“That dog, I say that dog is lower than a snake full of buckshot”
“That dog’s as subtle as a hand grenade in a barrrel of oat meal”
“Say boy, you cover about as much as a flapper’s skirt in a high wind”
“Pay attention to me boy! I’m not just talkin’ to hear my head roar”
“That, I say that dog’s busier than a centipede at a toe countin’ contest”
“Now cut that out boy, or I’ll spank you where the feathers are thinnest”
“I got, I say I got this boy as fidgety as a bubble dancer with a slow leak”
“Stop, I say stop it boy, you’re doin’ alot of choppin’ but no chips are flyin’ 
“This is going to cause more confusion than a mouse in a burlesque show”
“Gal reminds me of a highway between Forth Worth and Dallas – no curves”
“I say, she reminds me of Paul Revere’s ride, a little light in the belfry”
“This boy’s making more noise than a couple of skeletons throwin’ a fit on a tin roof”
“The snow, I say the snow’s so deep the farmers have to jack up the cows so they can milk’em”
“It’s sure, I say it’s sure quiet around here, you could hear a caterpillar sneakin’ across a moss bed in tennis shoes”
 

[Pjdriver]

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

 I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

[Pjdriver]

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen

I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why dosome people have more than one child.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

[Qapla]

There was also the man that fell into a glass making machine and made a spectacle of himself

 

Why do so many people check for wet paint with their whole hand?

 

oxymoron - defensive lineman

 

Politicians treat people like mushooms - they keep us in the dark and feed us a load of manure

 

If you aim at the floor you can hit it every time.

 

 

[Pjdriver]

Why does your nose "run".....but your feet "smell"?

Why do we park in the driveway....but drive on the parkway?

Edited January 28, 2017 by Pjdriver