Jokes

[JahPrazer4Ever]

MURDER AT WALMART

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie

insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who i immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

(You'regoing to hate me for this...)

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!'

[Debbie]

Both were very cute Tanya! Thanks for posting!!!

[rocket]

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

[Catalyst]

When is the most popular time to go to the dentist?

[GrumpysWife]

When is the most popular time to go to the dentist?

I'll bite.

[Catalyst]

When is the most popular time to go to the dentist?

I'll bite.

2:30

[Good-O]

I loved it! Thank you! I see some sites at my local Walmart but nothing that exciting yet! ha, ha!

[Debbie]

When is the most popular time to go to the dentist?

I'll bite.

2:30

Is that 2:30 as in 'tooth dirty'??? Thanks Steve.

[rocket]

When is the most popular time to go to the dentist?

I'll bite.

2:30

one needs to speak with a lisp.

[rocket]

[Catalyst]

When is the most popular time to go to the dentist?

I'll bite.

2:30

Is that 2:30 as in 'tooth dirty'??? Thanks Steve.

or....... toothurty

sorry about that one

[trottigy]

I am glad someone clarified, because I didn't get it.

[Catalyst]

I am glad someone clarified, because I didn't get it.

No problem

Going to the dentist is always a bit of a pain

I guess I have to stop "filling" my time with this type of activity,

I am sure I have a "hole" lot of other things to do.

Maybe someone needs to "drill" it into me.;)

[GrumpysWife]

I am glad someone clarified, because I didn't get it.

No problem

Going to the dentist is always a bit of a pain

I guess I have to stop "filling" my time with this type of activity,

I am sure I have a "hole" lot of other things to do.

Maybe someone needs to "drill" it into me.;)

Your sick.

[Debbie]

Thanks for the clarification Steve!!!>

[Catalyst]

I am glad someone clarified, because I didn't get it.

No problem

Going to the dentist is always a bit of a pain

I guess I have to stop "filling" my time with this type of activity,

I am sure I have a "hole" lot of other things to do.

Maybe someone needs to "drill" it into me.;)

Your sick.

I know. I blame it on my father

Any cure available?

[GrumpysWife]

I am glad someone clarified, because I didn't get it.

No problem

Going to the dentist is always a bit of a pain

I guess I have to stop "filling" my time with this type of activity,

I am sure I have a "hole" lot of other things to do.

Maybe someone needs to "drill" it into me.;)

Your sick.

I know. I blame it on my father

Any cure available?

No because everyone tells me I have the same disease.

[Catalyst]

I am glad someone clarified, because I didn't get it.

No problem

Going to the dentist is always a bit of a pain

I guess I have to stop "filling" my time with this type of activity,

I am sure I have a "hole" lot of other things to do.

Maybe someone needs to "drill" it into me.;)

Your sick.

I know. I blame it on my father

Any cure available?

No because everyone tells me I have the same disease.

That's good!

We can commiserate with each other

Just to give you an example, here is a typical conversation I used to have

with my father

Hey Son..

Yes Dad

Why shouldn't we go from house to house by bicycle?

Not sure Dad.

Because we are told that we . . . we are not peddlers of the word of God . . .(2 Corinthians 2:17)

Got it Dad!

And also we have to do God's wheel, not our own.

Right on Dad

and if we get a puncture we might have a flat presentation

and get tired.

I see Dad

And what's worse if we have an accident and our front wheel is all bent how can we be a spokesman

for Jehovah?

Good point Dad.

But you know if you don't put on the brakes, and carry on like this, I might fly off the handlebars.

Touche Son !

Now can you see why I have this problem:hammer:

[Karaleen]

I am glad someone clarified, because I didn't get it.

No problem

Going to the dentist is always a bit of a pain

I guess I have to stop "filling" my time with this type of activity,

I am sure I have a "hole" lot of other things to do.

Maybe someone needs to "drill" it into me.;)

Your sick.

I know. I blame it on my father

Any cure available?

No because everyone tells me I have the same disease.

That's good!

We can commiserate with each other

Just to give you an example, here is a typical conversation I used to have

with my father

Hey Son..

Yes Dad

Why shouldn't we go from house to house by bicycle?

Not sure Dad.

Because we are told that we . . . we are not peddlers of the word of God . . .(2 Corinthians 2:17)

Got it Dad!

And also we have to do God's wheel, not our own.

Right on Dad

and if we get a puncture we might have a flat presentation

and get tired.

I see Dad

And what's worse if we have an accident and our front wheel is all bent how can we be a spokesman

for Jehovah?

Good point Dad.

But you know if you don't put on the brakes, and carry on like this, I might fly off the handlebars.

Touche Son !

Now can you see why I have this problem:hammer:

Now THAT was really funny! Love it~

[Brother_Bliss]

A little girl and her father were out street witnessing one morning, standing out on the corner holding out Watchtowers and Awakes as people passed them by.

After a while, a Catholic Priest walked by, intent on ignoring the little girl and her father.

The little girl says to him "Hello sir, would you like to read the latest Watchtower and Awake magazines?"

The priest looks down at her and rudely says, "Little girl, I wouldn't even use those magazines as toilet paper!"

The girl smiled up at him and replied, "Well that's good, because they say the word of God is sharper than a two-edged sword!"

[Mrs. Musky]

Good one, Bob!

[rocket]

I like it Bob!

[bohemian]

A scouser (a man from Liverpool) is on holiday in Arizona USA. He's staying in a remote frontier type town and walks into a bar .

He orders his drink and sits down at the bar when he notices a native American Indian, dressed in full regalia, feathered head dress, tomahawk, spear, the lot, sitting in the corner under a sign saying 'Ask me anything'

The scouser is intrigued and asks the barman about him.

'Oh, we call him the memory man, He knows everything.' says the barman.

'What do you mean he knows everything?’ asks the scouser.

'Well, he knows every fact there is to know and he never, ever forgets anything'

'Yeah right' says the scouser.

'If you don't believe me, try him out. Ask him anything, and he'll know the answer'

'Alright' says the Scouser and walks up to the Memory Man.

'Where am I from ?'

'Knotty Ash, Liverpool , England ' says the Red Indian. And he was right.

‘Alright’ says the scouser, ‘that was easy you probably recognised my accent.Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'

' Liverpool ' says the memory man quick as a flash.

'Yes and who did they play?'

'Leeds United' again without blinking

'And the score?'

'2-1' says the memory man without hesitation.

'Pretty good,but I bet you don't know who scored the winning goal?'

'Ian St John' says the Indian in an instant.

Flabbergasted the tourist continues on his holiday and on his return to Birkenhead tells all and sundry about the amazing Memory Man. He just can't get him out of his mind and so he vows to return and find him again and pay him his due respect .

He saves his unemployment money for years and finally twelve years later he has saved enough and returns to the states in search of the memory man.

He searches high and low for him. And after two weeks of trying virtually every bar and town in Arizona he finds him sitting in a cave in the mountains, older, greyer and more wrinkled than before but still resplendent in his warpaint and full regalia.

The scouser, duly humbled approaches him and decides to greet him in the traditional manner..

'How'.

The memory man squints at the scouser.

'Flying header in the six yard box.'

[Debbie]

'Flying header in the six yard box.'

Sorry Christopher, I didn't get the punchline. Can you explain that one to me. Thanks!

[bohemian]

NOT VERY GOOD AMERICAN VERSION:

A guy from the Bronx is on holiday in Arizona. He's staying in a remote frontier type town and walks into a bar .

He orders his drink and sits down at the bar when he notices a native American Indian, dressed in full regalia, feathered head dress, tomahawk, spear, the lot, sitting in the corner under a sign saying 'Ask me anything'

The guy is intrigued and asks the barman about him.

'Oh, we call him the memory man, He knows everything.' says the barman.

'What do you mean he knows everything?’ asks the New Yorker.

'Well, he knows every fact there is to know and he never, ever forgets anything'

'Yeah right' says the New Yorker.

'If you don't believe me, try him out. Ask him anything, and he'll know the answer'

'Alright' says the New Yorker and walks up to the Memory Man.

'Where am I from ?'

'The Bronx, New York,' says the Red Indian. And he was right.

‘Alright’ says the New Yorker, ‘that was easy you probably recognised my accent. Who won the 1997 World Series?'

' Marlins ' says the memory man quick as a flash.

'Yes and who did they play?'

'Cleveland' again without blinking

'And the score?'

'3-2 in 11 innings' says the memory man without hesitation.

'Pretty good,but I bet you don't know who scored the winning run?'

'Craig Counsell' says the Indian in an instant.

Flabbergasted the tourist continues on his holiday and on his return to New York tells all and sundry about the amazing Memory Man. He just can't get him out of his mind and so he vows to return and find him again and pay him his due respect .

He saves his unemployment money for years and finally twelve years later he has saved enough and returns to Arizona in search of the memory man.

He searches high and low for him. And after two weeks of trying virtually every bar and town in Arizona he finds him sitting in a cave in the mountains, older, greyer and more wrinkled than before but still resplendent in his warpaint and full regalia.

The New Yorker, duly humbled approaches him and decides to greet him in the traditional manner..

'How'.

The memory man squints at the scouser.

'Base hit to centre by Renteria on a slider from Nagy.'