Jokes

[Musky]

It's the bottom of the 5th with 3 bags loaded.

Very good!

[Samberr74]

Stop me if you heard this one............

A String walks into a bar and orders an Ice Cold Beer.....The bartender ignores him

Again The string announces his order for a beer..................Again IGNORED

Finally the string gets tired of being ignore but still wanting his beer he yells what is wrong? are you deaf?....I said I want a beer!

The bartender glances back at him and says we don't serve your kind here, .....Dismayed the string leaves the bar, ties himself into a knot, messses up his hair and walks back into the bar, and orders a beer.

4 beers later the Bartender says Hey! are you that string that was in here earlier?

To that the string shrugs and casually says nah I'm a frayed knot.

[Musky]

GROAN!

[Mrs. Musky]

Stop me if you heard this one............ A String walks into a bar and orders an Ice Cold Beer.....The bartender ignores him Again The string announces his order for a beer..................Again IGNORED Finally the string gets tired of being ignore but still wanting his beer he yells what is wrong? are you deaf?....I said I want a beer! The bartender glances back at him and says we don't serve your kind here' date=' .....Dismayed the string leaves the bar, ties himself into a knot, messses up his hair and walks back into the bar, and orders a beer. 4 beers later the Bartender says Hey! are you that string that was in here earlier? To that the string shrugs and casually says nah I'm a frayed knot.[/quote']

[Catalyst]

A man walks in to a bar and says

" I want a pint of beer and a crocodile sandwich. And make it snappy."

[Catalyst]

Sorry can't resist this old Groucho Marks one

Fruit flies like a banana

Time flies like an arrow

[Celebratelifecoach]

Back in the Garden of Eden, Adam was walking around. He noticed all the animals having a mate. Adam began to wonder, "What will it take for me to have one?" Then he prayed, "Oh Jehovah, I would like to have a mate. I want someone who will answer to my every beck and call. I want someone who will cook, clean, take care of my offsprings all while I work and sleep. I want someone who will get me a beer and not complain once! How much will this cost?" Then Jehovah answered Adam, "Adam... my son... Your request would be a challenge even for myself. However, it will cost you an arm and a leg." Adam thought about it for a few days, then he approached Jehovah and said, "Oh Father... that is to much even from me. What can I get for a rib?".................

The rest is history!!!!

Good One!

[isabella]

I love these jokes-so do my friends

[isabella]

I love this joke-Sooo funny!

[bohemian]

My neighbour banged on my door at 4am this morning! 4AM! Can you believe it??

Fortunately, I was still up practicing on my drums.

[isabella]

At my meeting in the UK, the brother was reading Ezekiel, and said very sternly, "and they will HAVE to know, that I am Jehovah"

A little girl voice from the back said loudly-"No he`s NOT!! He doesn`t even LOOK like him!!!

[Dages]

That's cute

[NasusJW]

Amazing Home Remedies

HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!! Some of those I've already tried. hahahaha!

[idclair]

http://www.csmngt.com/laught1.jpg

[GrumpysWife]

 HIS AND HER DIARY FOR THE SAME DAY:

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

 

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

 

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.  He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

 

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

 

His Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why

[trottigy]

 HIS AND HER DIARY FOR THE SAME DAY:

His Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why

I loved that and so true. Apparently his mind really was some where else ;)

[Celebratelifecoach]

His Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why

Sounds like a normal day in our house

[neenie217]

HAHAHAHAHA. Isn't that the truth!!!

[byronebula]

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbs dark suckers. The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labs spokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than that of light, and that dark is faster than light. The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever.

Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the path of the dark flowing into the candle. Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range. There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can operate again. Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the solid wick instead of through glass.

This generates a great amount of heat. Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle. Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets slowly darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top. The immense power of dark can be utilized to mans advantage. We can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines, which generate electricity and help push it to the ocean where it may be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean.

The Indians recognized this problem, and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe travelling in the same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way. Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, but since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet. In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our lives much easier. So the next time you look at an electric bulb remember that it is indeed a dark sucker.

[Catalyst]

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbs dark suckers. The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labs spokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than that of light, and that dark is faster than light. The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever.

Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the path of the dark flowing into the candle. Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range. There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can operate again. Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the solid wick instead of through glass.

This generates a great amount of heat. Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle. Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets slowly darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top. The immense power of dark can be utilized to mans advantage. We can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines, which generate electricity and help push it to the ocean where it may be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean.

The Indians recognized this problem, and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe travelling in the same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way. Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, but since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet. In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our lives much easier. So the next time you look at an electric bulb remember that it is indeed a dark sucker.

And now.... the rest of the story :

http://www.theatrecrafts.com/humour_darksuckers.html

[Musky]

And now.... the rest of the story :

http://www.theatrecrafts.com/humour_darksuckers.html

blatant plagiarism!

And to think I cleaned the post up as it was all one, huge paragraph! LOL

[trottigy]

I love how that Bell Labs article ended.

[byronebula]

And now.... the rest of the story :

http://www.theatrecrafts.com/humour_darksuckers.html

LOL!! I did not see the rest of this!. . . Haha. . . Thanks for posting! Hilarious. . . Lol

blatant plagiarism!

And to think I cleaned the post up as it was all one, huge paragraph! LOL

LOL!. . . Gee. . . Thanks for cleaning it up brother Musky. . . I think that usually happens when i just do the copy and paste. . . LOL. .

[byronebula]

From "The Journal of Sucker Theory" (lol) . . .

"Yes and a star is a light sucker and a Black hole is a darkness generator. Actually when you turn on your flashlight it sucks in darkness and stores it in the batteries. When the batteries are full of darkness they no longer work."

[trottigy]

"This means that the wiring inside most domestic and corporate buildings are slowly accumulating dark. Concentrations of dark well above established safety levels for general living quarters has been discovered in nearly every demographic area surveyed. Statistically, the most lethal concentrations have been observed in houses with teenage children who listen to loud rock music. It is believed that this is because of the fact that many stereos utilize DSD panels for bar type metered output. In an effort to alleviate this problem, Bell Labs offers this special service: Anyone who sends a one-foot sample of their household wire, along with a modest processing fee of $69.99, will receive in the mail our diagnosis of the saturation level of their wiring and warn of any possible danger. Payment should be made directly to me, (Trottigy). All replies will be kept strictly confidential, and results will be returned in plain paper."