Jokes

[neenie217]

HAHAHAHAHAHA That's hilarious. and if you were an idiot savant, it might make sense. LOL:lol1:

[neenie217]

How bout this one.... Man was made from dirt, woman was made from prime rib.

[Brother_Bliss]

How bout this one.... Man was made from dirt, woman was made from prime rib.

lol! Nice!

[GrumpysWife]

A Bend, Oregon policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem--a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

[GrumpysWife]

Not really a joke but pretty funny.

The Dam

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania . This guy's response is hilarious, but read The State's letter before you get to the response letter..

State of Pennsylvania 's letter to Mr. DeVries:

SUBJECT: DEQ

File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2010.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price

District Representative and Water Management Division.

Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File

No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr.Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/09 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania .

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials 'debris.'

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or

(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. (Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)

I have several dam concerns. My first dam concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.

If you want the damed stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2010? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your dam step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU,

RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

[Brother_Bliss]

lol! Those dam beavers!

[Catalyst]

An old Tommy Cooper Joke

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving

today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice."

[Catalyst]

There was a blogger called Fred

Who had lot's of things in his head.

He blogged them all down

but started to frown

when not even one was read.

[retroHelen]

This was a funny news item:

During the installation of new lighting in Liverpool Cathedral, an electrician in the roof area left the safety gates of the lift open, so the lift was prevented from being called down. Visitors were stunned to see the Clerk of Works standing in the middle of the Cathedral yelling heavenwards:"Peter, will you close those gates!"

[Celebratelifecoach]

. Visitors were stunned to see the Clerk of Works standing in the middle of the Cathedral yelling heavenwards:"Peter, will you close those gates!"

)'> That was a good one!

[Áine]

A man was going through customs in the U.S heading for Ireland.... they stopped him and searched his two bags.... inside they were full of phones..

They asked him "What do you want with all of these phones ?"

He replied, "My brother in Ireland, Paddy, is starting up a Jazz band and asked me to bring him back 2 Saxaphones..... !!"

[GrumpysWife]

A man was going through customs in the U.S heading for Ireland.... they stopped him and searched his two bags.... inside they were full of phones.. They asked him "What do you want with all of these phones ?" He replied' date=' "My brother in Ireland, Paddy, is starting up a Jazz band and asked me to bring him back 2 Saxaphones..... !!"[/quote'] Now that's funny

[Catalyst]

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep

( WC Fields)

[GrumpysWife]

Thank heavens! A burning theological dilemma appears to have been resolved. It has long been known that, according to Revelation 21:8, the maximum possible temperature of hell is equal to the boiling point of brimstone, known to chemists as sulfur, which is 445 C (833 F) at normal pressure. In 1972, an unnamed environmental physicist (Applied Optics 11(8), 1972, p.A14) used some data for heaven (or, technically, the future location of the people of Jehovah) from Isaiah 30:26 for the well-known Stefan-Boltzmann fourth-power law for radiation. The Stefan-Boltzmann equation relates temperature to blackbody radiant energy. From the equation, the temperature of heaven was calculated to be 525 C (1067 F). For over twenty-five years the implication that heaven is literally "hotter than hell" has been a disconcerting dilemma to both theologians and the laity (see Time magazine, 21 August 1972). However, reporting in the July issue of Physics Today (p.96), Jorge Mira Perez and Jose Vina from the University of Santiago in Spain re-examined the original calculation and determine that the data had been based on a "seven times seven" translation of the Isaiah verse, rather than the actual "seven times" (sevenfold) intensity. The correct translation was confirmed by Eugenio Romero Pose, the auxiliary Roman Catholic bishop of Madrid. Therefore, the total radiation from the moon and sun falling on heaven is 8 times greater than radiation falling on Earth from the sun in Isaiah's (and our) time. Using an Earth surface temperature of 25 C (77 F), the corrected temperature of heaven was calculated to be 231 C (450 F). So the traditional belief is correct -- at 1067 F, hell is definitely much hotter than heaven.

[Dages]

This is so ridiculous

[Greenfield]

Thank heavens!

A burning theological dilemma appears to have been resolved.

It has long been known that, according to Revelation 21:8, the maximum possible temperature of hell is equal to the boiling point of brimstone, known to chemists as sulfur, which is 445 C (833 F) at normal pressure.

In 1972, an unnamed environmental physicist (Applied Optics 11(8), 1972, p.A14) used some data for heaven (or, technically, the future location of the people of Jehovah) from Isaiah 30:26 for the well-known Stefan-Boltzmann fourth-power law for radiation. The Stefan-Boltzmann equation relates temperature to blackbody radiant energy. From the equation, the temperature of heaven was calculated to be 525 C (1067 F).

For over twenty-five years the implication that heaven is literally "hotter than hell" has been a disconcerting dilemma to both theologians and the laity (see Time magazine, 21 August 1972).

However, reporting in the July issue of Physics Today (p.96), Jorge Mira Perez and Jose Vina from the University of Santiago in Spain re-examined the original calculation and determine that the data had been based on a "seven times seven" translation of the Isaiah verse, rather than the actual "seven times" (sevenfold) intensity. The correct translation was confirmed by Eugenio Romero Pose, the auxiliary Roman Catholic bishop of Madrid.

Therefore, the total radiation from the moon and sun falling on heaven is 8 times greater than radiation falling on Earth from the sun in Isaiah's (and our) time. Using an Earth surface temperature of 25 C (77 F), the corrected temperature of heaven was calculated to be 231 C (450 F).

So the traditional belief is correct -- at 1067 F, hell is definitely much hotter than heaven.

That reminds me of this one:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are; we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

[Good-O]

Good one Gloria )'>

Did you know that there isn't going to be any milk in the New World?

The Bible says that there will be utter destruction.

Good one - had not heard that one either. Thanks for the laugh!

[Good-O]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND

THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.

WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE;

MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST

APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME

NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD

TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK

HIGH SCHOOL ..

'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED FACED,

FAT,

GRAY-HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

SON-OF-A-GUN,

ASKED,

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???

Oh, I loved this one. Thank you. Sorry, I tried not to copy the whole joke...new here, so just learning. Thanks again.

[GrumpysWife]

Ole is the Pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.

One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said:

DA END ISS NEAR!

TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW

BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave

People alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

Shakin' his head, Rev. Ole says "Dat's DA terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe DA sign should yust say, 'Bridge Out?'":upsidedown:

[GrumpysWife]

PARAPROSDOKIANS:

The definition:

"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."

"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

Ok, so now enjoy!

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

[Brother_Bliss]

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Ha! This is actually a line of mine in one of my public talks I give ;)

[cheesychat]

An old Tommy Cooper Joke

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving

today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice."

I love his jokes.... I had a whole page worth once, I will have to dig them out...

[Brother_Bliss]

Test for Dementia

Below are four ( 4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....

First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are

absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.

Now answer the second question,

but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?

Second Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You're not very good at this, are you?

Third Question:

Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only .

Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 .

Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000

Now add 10 . What is the total?

Did you get 5000 ?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

If you don't believe it, now check it with a calculator!

Today is definitely not your day, is it?

Maybe you'll get the last question right....

.....Maybe.

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,

4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Did you Answer Nunu?

NO! Of course it isn't.

Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By

imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully

expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of

sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

He just has to open his mouth and ask...

It's really very simple.... Like you!

[Brother_Bliss]

Spread the Stupidity

Only in America .......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of

the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only

in America ........do people order

double cheeseburgers, large fries, and

a diet coke.

Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America .......do we leave cars

worth thousands of dollars in the

driveway and put our useless junk in the

garage.

Only in America .......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America .......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[Good-O]

Love your jokes. Thanks,