A good joke

[dilip kumar]

Resharing:

A lil’ humor:  A passionate pioneer sister met a pastor. The Pastor avoided the sister as soon as he saw her.  But the pioneer sister followed the pastor and asked: “I just want to ask one question. "Why do you believe in the Trinity? The doctrine of the Trinity- Where can I find it in the Bible?” The pastor spoke to the sister very loudly. “Look at Psalm 35:11”! … and then he left. The pioneer sister wondered, “What does Psalms mention about the Trinity…?” She opened the book of Psalms 35:11 and was surprised to see what it said …🤔😁

[Keep Fighting]

Here's a simple urine test that applies to at least some of us men: Go out in the garden and pee.

If there are lots of ants: DIABETES.

If you pee on your shoes: PROSTATE.

If it smells like barbecue: CHOLESTEROL.

If your hand hurts when you shake it:OSTEOPOROSIS.

If you go back inside with it out:ALZHEIMER

[Tortuga]

19 minutes ago, Keep Fighting said:

Here's a simple urine test that applies to at least some of us men: Go out in the garden and pee.

If there are lots of ants: DIABETES.

If you pee on your shoes: PROSTATE.

If it smells like barbecue: CHOLESTEROL.

If your hand hurts when you shake it:OSTEOPOROSIS.

If you go back inside with it out:ALZHEIMER

If you hear a loud noise and feel a sudden pain on the back of your head: MARRIED 

[Pabo]

i recently heard on the news that a man who suffers from dwarfism was pickpocketed whilst waiting in line for his coffee order.

 

It got me wondering, how low is this world going to get?

[Tortuga]

24 minutes ago, Pabo said:

i recently heard on the news that a man who suffers from dwarfism was pickpocketed whilst waiting in line for his coffee order.

 

It got me wondering, how low is this world going to get?

I heard he had stopped at the coffee shop and asked for a quick pick-me-up. He was robbed during the ensuing chaos...

[Qapla]

With today's prices, it is not surprising that getting coffee from a shop could bring one up short

[Tortuga]

6 minutes ago, Qapla said:

With today's prices, it is not surprising that getting coffee from a shop could bring one up short

Starbucks offers a 'short' beverage. Apparently you are what you drink...

 

You have to be careful at Starbucks, I once asked for a Tall Blonde. That was embarrassing...

Edited August 13 by Tortuga

[Pabo]

7 hours ago, Tortuga said:

Starbucks offers a 'short' beverage. Apparently you are what you drink...

 

You have to be careful at Starbucks, I once asked for a Tall Blonde. That was embarrassing...

 

A brother and I usually go to the local pub to have a couple of German and Dutch Blondes. Regardless to say, our wives are usually not impressed when get back home.

[Keep Fighting]

An old lady fell and hurt herself outside the parliament one day.

A politician came running and helped her up.

- "Thank you very much," said the old lady.

- Oh, you're welcome, said the politician - But now I can count on your vote in the election in the fall, now that I've helped you?

The lady smiled nicely, brushed off some dust from her dress, and replied:

- "Oh no, you can't. After all, it was only a knee injury, not a brain injury I suffered.

[Tortuga]

9 minutes ago, Keep Fighting said:

An old lady fell and hurt herself outside the parliament one day.

A politician came running and helped her up.

- "Thank you very much," said the old lady.

- Oh, you're welcome, said the politician - But now I can count on your vote in the election in the fall, now that I've helped you?

The lady smiled nicely, brushed off some dust from her dress, and replied:

- "Oh no, you can't. After all, it was only a knee injury, not a brain injury I suffered.

Then he pushed her down?

[grain of mustard]

Armageddon will come in 5 years! 

[grain of mustard]

The traveling husband arrived at an inn and decided to send a message to his wife/lover. But when dialing the number, he typed the last number wrong. The message text arrived for a woman who had just become a widow. The message said: "Honey, I just got here. I arrived in peace, you can rest assured. Don't worry, you'll be coming here next week. Don't worry about clothes because it's incredibly hot here." 

[Pabo]

God on Lawns
Imagine the conversation The Creator might have had with Jesus on the subject of lawns:

 

God: Hey Jesus, you know all about gardens and nature that we had created. What in the world is going on down there on earth? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect "no maintenance" garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

 

Jesus: It's the tribes that settled there. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

 

God: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

 

Jesus: Apparently so, Father. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. The begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

 

God: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

 

Jesus: Apparently not. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it... sometimes twice a week.

 

God: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?

 

Jesus: Not exactly. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

 

God: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

 

Jesus: No. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

 

God: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

 

Jesus: Yes Father.

 

God: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

 

Jesus: You are not going to believe this. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

 

God: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

 

Jesus: You better sit down. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

 

God: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

 

Jesus: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. The haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

 

God: And where do they get this mulch?

 

Jesus: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

 

God: Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. Gabriel, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

 

Gabriel: "Dumb and Dumber". It's a real stupid movie about.....

 

God: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from Jesus.

[Pabo]

A former Marine Corps Sergeant took a job as a high school teacher. Right before the school year started, he injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast under his shirt and it was not visible to anyone.

On the first day, he walked into the noisiest, rowdiest class in the school - the kind that eats new teachers alive. The kids, knowing he was a former Marine, were already planning to test him.

The Sergeant calmly opened the window, sat at his desk, and when a breeze blew his tie around, he casually picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

The room went dead silent.

The rest of the year? Let’s just say discipline was never an issue again.

Edited September 2 by Pabo

[Tortuga]

1 minute ago, Pabo said:

A former Marine Corps Sergeant took a job as a high school teacher. Right before the school year started, he injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast under his shirt and it was not visible to anyone.

On the first day, he walked into the noisiest, rowdiest class in the school - the kind that eats new teachers alive. The kids, knowing he was a former Marine, were already planning to test him.

The Sergeant calmly opened the window, sat at his desk, and when a breeze blew his tie around, he casually picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

The room went dead silent.

The rest of the year? Let’s just say discipline was never an issue again.

True story, my sister's father in law had a wooden leg. He was a bold brother that regularly put his foot in someones door. Slamming the door on his wood foot didn't bother him. Sometimes they would sic their dog on him. Dog bites on his wood leg didn't bother him either. A lot of people listened to him...

[Pabo]

1 minute ago, Tortuga said:

A lot of people listened to him...

 

I think that they had no choice whenever he stumped up to their door.

[Mike047]

A friend of ours has lost so much weight, that when he sticks his tongue out he looks like a zip.

[Andrey]

When your car is being repaired and you need to go to work.

 

[Tortuga]

I recently heard that short people are emigrating to Halfghanistan..

[dljbsp]

2 minutes ago, Tortuga said:

I recently heard that short people are emigrating to Halfghanistan..

 

turns out they were tired of being overlooked.

[dljbsp]

Don't order hay for your horses off of Amazon. In a couple of days they'll ask for the feedback.

 

[Tortuga]

22 hours ago, Tortuga said:

I recently heard that short people are emigrating to Halfghanistan..

Four reactions and no one laughed. Did the joke go over your head? 

[rocket]

30 minutes ago, Tortuga said:

Four reactions and no one laughed. Did the joke go over your head? 

 

I reckon you'll have to group short jokes in with blonde jokes.  Some people are just sensitive. Now I'm both short and summer blonde and I find both funny. Now bald jokes are fighting words. 😂

[LeolaRootStew]

2 hours ago, Tortuga said:

Four reactions and no one laughed. Did the joke go over your head? 

 

No, I'm too tall.

[Aria]

4 hours ago, Tortuga said:

Four reactions and no one laughed. Did the joke go over your head? 

Here's my answer: Sorry, this doesn't make me laugh 😕