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To all my email friends!


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As we progress toward 2013, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern , I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors' ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician!

Oh, and by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY

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That is Hillarious.. Ii have a friend. When I met her she uses the antibacterial wash constantly. Lols.

LOL!!! I have friends at the hall who are obsessed with the antibacterial hand wash. Every couple of minutes, they are taking it out of their purse and wiping their hands. What's really funny is using that stuff too much is actually not good for you as it strips away oils and other natural protections from your skin.

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There's a very elderly sister near me who has a computer ...and I will get like a dozen emails of the same big story from the friends and three months later she sends it to me....it's hysterical.I am expecting to hear about Hurricane Sandy from her in January sometime....:lol1:

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Yes, I have a few email friends who seem to be a few months (some of them years) behind everyone else in the email "steam of time". LOL

Some send nothing but the "urban legend" rubbish. I send them the Snopes page debunking their email every time and some eventually take me off their email list. :)

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Hey, Chuck, what is your email address :whistling:

trotterjerry@nottelling.com

Thanks for not posting my actual email address. I already get emails the very SECOND something new is added on the jw or wol.jw site. Some people have to be first - oh well at least i don't have to constantly check it.

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Hey, Chuck, what is your email address :whistling:

trotterjerry@nottelling.com

Thanks for not posting my actual email address. I already get emails the very SECOND something new is added on the jw or wol.jw site. Some people have to be first - oh well at least i don't have to constantly check it.

As you know, it is not a valid email address :)

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Well, I think I've gotten the same 5 sequences of LOLcats several times from my relatives - from the exact same individuals!!

Wait a second Musky, do borg even need email?

Of course they do......here's the email.....

locutos@deltaquadrant.borg

Nancy! We are pleasantly surprised that you know we originate from the Delta quadrant! Are you part of a Borg sleeper cell or did you resort to a Google search? :borg:

Rick:

My emails come in through my link with the collective and are projected on my artificial retina just like my Netflix picks. But thanks for asking! :shifty:

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"If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors' ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician! "

Now I finally understand what has happened and why. I tried to open my front door yesterday after 5:00pm (my house is bird proofed) and couldn't. Looked out the window and the front door had at least 600 lbs of dove dung piled in front of it. Out near the street was this poor dove, all skin and feathers, near death! I was worried about some of the other consequences but relaxed after I read the other part. You see, I've had this large hairy hump on my back for some time, years in fact. I don't cut the hair because it disturbs the flea colony that I rely on for my income. I work in a flea circus! I view it as a blessing that they continue to multiply because I've been able to expand from a one to a three ring act. If one does get the hump, it is best to braid the hair and pretend you are from the '60's generation.

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