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For those of us who like things Hot :scared::sweat::nuke: and can relate.

Chili Judge
Copyright 1997 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com/

===>  Please do not remove the copyright from this essay! <===

Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous
Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no
one else wanted to do it.  Also the original person called in sick at
the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's
table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.  I was
assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure
when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.
Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1:  Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato.  Amusing kick.  JUDGE TWO:.
Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.  CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is
this stuff?  You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it.
Took me two beers to put the flames out.  Hope that's the worst one.
These people are crazy.

Chili # 2:  Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork.  Slight Jalapeno
tang.  JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.  CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children!  I'm not sure
what I am supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.  Shoved my way to
the front of the beer line.  The barmaid looks like a professional
wrestler after a bad night.  She was so irritated over my gagging
sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch.  She has
arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill.  I will NOT pick a
fight with her.

Chili # 3:  Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili!  Great kick.  Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
CAMERON: This has got to be a joke.  Call the EPA, I've located a
uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could
make it to the beer wagon.  Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest.  She said her friends call
her "Sally."  Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."

Chili # 4:  Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.  Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans.  Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.  CAMERON: I felt something
scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it.  Sally was
standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over
to see her.  When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and
uncoiled--it's kinda cute.

Chili # 5:  Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili.  Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
considerable kick.  Very impressive.  JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded
beef; could use more tomato.  Must admit the cayenne peppers make a
strong statement.  CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer
focus my eyes.  I belched and four people in front of me needed
paramedics.  The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage.  Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer
directly on it from a pitcher.  Sort of irritates me that one of the
other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6:  Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.  Good balance of
spice and peppers.  JUDGE TWO: The best yet.  Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic.  Superb.  CAMERON: My intestines are now
a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames.  No one seems inclined to
stand behind me except Sally.  I asked if she wants to go dancing

Chili # 7:  Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers
at the last moment.  I should note that I am a bit worried about Judge
Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.  CAMERON: You could
put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel
it.  I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is
made of rushing water.  My clothes are covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth at some point.  Good, at autopsy they'll
know what killed me.  Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late.
Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them.  I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway.  If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in
my stomach.  Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super
nova on my tongue.

Chili # 8:  Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
nor hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3
fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.  JUDGE TWO: A perfect
ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but
spicy enough to declare its existence.  CAMERON: Momma?

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Bruce Cameron is an internet/book comedian.  His stuff used to be free as when Chili Judge was written. He has some more that I have more somewhere that were free when 1st posted.

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