Jokes

[robert_elv]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her

mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day

of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment,then said, "So, why is the

groom wearing black?"

------------------

[robert_elv]

Really One should know proper English....

I went back to the store from where I purchased the Oil with little loud voice as if I have been cheated,

I asked...... where is my free gift with this oil?

Shopkeeper : there is nothing free with this

Me- : Look at this bottle label.... it is written CHOLESTROL-FREE.

.........

[Jhaven]

Korean joke: In Texas

Che Boram decides to take a trip to Texas to visit his favorite cousin one day. As he sits down in the plane, he says, "Wow, the seats are really big here." The person next to him turns to him and says, "In Texas, they say everything is big."

When Boram finally arrives in Texas, he's a little tired, so he decides to go visit a bar to loosen up. It turns out that he went into a country club instead. He says, "Wow! The bars are very big here." Someone turns to him and says, "Yes; in Texas, everything is big."

He orders a shot of alcohol at the bar, and when the bartender hands it to him, he says, "Wow, the shotglass is really big!" A person next to him turns to him and says, "Yes; in Texas, everything is big."

After drinking his alcohol and many more shots, Boram realizes that he has to relieve himself. So he turns to the bartender and asks him where the bathroom is. The bartender replies, "The second hallway, second door." Boram thanks the bartender, and stumbles on his way. He's had a few drinks, so he misses a turn, and then walks into the third door instead. It's a swimming pool, and Boram trips and falls in.

As he's struggling to stay afloat, he cried out in panic: "Don't flush! Don't flush!"

[robert_elv]

Here also things are bigger !!!

70mm PANCAKE !!

Indian bread

[bohemian]

I love children, but couldn't eat a whole one!

[trottigy]

I love children, but couldn't eat a whole one!

They are scrumptious

[Jhaven]

I love children' date=' but couldn't eat a whole one![/quote']

How about this one ...mac baby hamburger...uhm yummy!

[rocket]

I love children' date=' but couldn't eat a whole one![/quote'] Would you prefer a taco?

[Sunnyside]

Found this at Jw Archives:

From Gilead Grad, told by Bro. Loach: A young girl was told by her teacher that we didn't have the right religion because we don't depict Jesus with a halo. The girl replied that if Jesus had had a halo then Judas wouldn't have had to identify him with a kiss in the garden of Gethsemane. The teacher didn't have a response.

[Sunnyside]

YET ANOTHER!

From the zone report of India, Sri Lanka, Myanmar, etc.: A teacher read from the great teacher book once a week to her class. One 10 yr old boy began preaching to his classmates. His parents tried everything to get him to stop. They beat him, sent him to bed without food and made him sleep on the floor, nothing worked. Then they decided to have someone from the Buddhist seminary live with them to convince him to stop. The Buddhist man showed the boy a statue of a god and told him to worship it. The boy replied that it was not a god but an idol and he would not worship it. The man told him, it's all about how you look at it. If you look at it with the right attitude you will see that it is a god. The boy took out a piece of paper and drew some money on it. He then told the man: "'Do me a favor. Take this money to the store, buy me some candies and give me the change when you come back.'" The man replied that he couldn't because it wasn't money, it's just a piece of paper. The boy responded:"'It's all about how you look at it. If you have the right attitude you will see that it's money.'" The man then packed his bags telling the parents that there was nothing he could do for their son and that if he stayed any longer, the boy would make him lose his faith.

[clez]

This is as old as the hills you probably have heard it before:o:o:o

A man had three sons. His eldest a priest the archbishop of Canterbury. The second son a priest was next in line to the pope.

The third son was a no good drunken womaniser.

It was holiday season and the three sons had come home to the visit their father. no. 1 son comes downstairs "how did you sleep " said the father

"fantastic never slept better." said son no1

"thats good you go over there by the fire and warm yourself while I cook a nice big breakfast for you".said the father.

son number two came down stairs he had a good night sleep and was talking to his brother near the fire when

son number three came down stairs "how did you sleep" said his father

"it was terrible I toss and turned and had a terrible nightmare " said the drunkard womaniser

"what was it about " said the father

I dreamt I died and was sent to hell

the father was shocked and took his son aside so the other two brothers couldn't hear "what was it like in hell" he said

the son replied "very much like home"

like home "WHAT ever do you mean "!

Well I couldn't get anywhere near the fire because of the priests.

[bohomey]

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock.

At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.

The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17t...h September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"?

"Guilty", said the man in the dock.

Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!!

At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?"

He replied "He is my next door neighbor".

The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments".

The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand.

Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one"!!!

[bohemian]

What is the favourite breakfast in the Vatican at the moment?

Ex Benedict!

[Tazzy]

What did the buffalo say to his son when he headed off to college?

Bison

[Chrisy]

Great jokes guys......Here is another one.......There were 3 brothers that came across a lamp,after rubing it a genie appeared offering them each one a wish,so the first brother wished to shepherd the congregation more "POOF" he became an elder,the second brother,already an elder,wanted to help beyond his congregation and "POOF"he became a circuit overseer,the last brother also an elder wanted to know everything in the congregation as he felt this would help him to help others so "POOF"he became a sister...........The lesson............Be careful what you wish for

[GrumpysWife]

That's really funny, Chrysten, and true.

[bohemian]

The Pope was on a visit to Liverpool, and asked the crowd 'Does anyone need a miracle?'

A man in the front row said "Yes, I need a miracle with my hearing."

 

The Pope put his hands over the man's ears and prayed out loud for a miracle to help this man's hearing.

When he took his hands away he asked the man, "Is that any better, my son?"

The man said, "How do I know?  My hearing is on Thursday!"

Edited June 28, 2013 by bohemian

[Abbyz]

The beauty of ALWAYS moving with our DPA card.

 

2 brothers were walking along a very dangerous street at night, when they met criminals. The first brother was searched and thieves foung that he had no money,and nothing in his wallet, so they beat him up, and left him to die. They got the second brother, searched him and found he had no money too, but when they looked at his wallet, they saw the DPA Card ( NO BLOOD). They just looked at him and said: guys let us just leave him, he will soon die. He does not have blood.

[GrumpysWife]

Now really, this can't be true.

 

MALE VS.. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive through ATM machines 

enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. 

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the 

procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. 

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures

have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender. 

 

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7.  Drive off.

 

 FEMALE PROCEDURE:     What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set hand brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from t he  car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.Â

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release hand brake. 

 

 

 

Edited June 28, 2013 by GrumpysWife

[Joey]

Lol...usually the guy behind me ,follows me beeping for two blocks after I pull away,when I stop ,he runs up to my window and hands me my ATM card.

Still some nice guys out there. ;-)

[bohemian]

Did you hear about the man who cooled himself to absolute zero?

Apparently he's 0K now.

[GrumpysWife]

[bohemian]

There are 10 types of people who understand binary.

 

Those who do, and those who don't.

[jayrtom]

Why did Math committed suicide?

[Musky]

Why did Math committed suicide?

 

Because it had too many problems.