Jokes

[Gi-Gi]

:coffee:The Scriptures give clear instruction that it is the head of the household who is responsible for making the coffee..

the evidence can be found at "HEBREWS"

Greeting everyone!

Trisha

[Debbie]

A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care or the economy when you don't know crap?"

Then she went back to reading her book.

Micah, that was great! Thanks for posting it. )'>

[GrumpysWife]

:coffee:The Scriptures give clear instruction that it is the head of the household who is responsible for making the coffee.. the evidence can be found at "HEBREWS" Greeting everyone! Trisha

Good one!

[idclair]

:coffee:The Scriptures give clear instruction that it is the head of the household who is responsible for making the coffee..

the evidence can be found at "HEBREWS"

Greeting everyone!

Trisha

TrishaK, nice to meet you!!!

[sweetwillow58]

A man is walking by a mental hospital surrounded by a high wooden fence

when he hears voices chanting. The voices are saying excitedly, "13! 13!

13! 13!" He's very curious, so he looks through a hole in the fence, and

someone pokes him in the eye. "Ouch!" he says.

Then he hears the voices chanting, "14! 14! 14! 14!"

P.S. That would be me...I would look

{{I merged this with the existing "Jokes" topic - Bob}}

[Áine]

Paddy goes for a job at a chemical factory, the factory manager asks

"Have you worked with chemicals before?"

"Yes!" Paddy replies.

The manager asks "Can you tell me what nitrate is?"

Paddy replies "I"m hoping its going to be time and a half.

[GrumpysWife]

A man is walking by a mental hospital surrounded by a high wooden fence when he hears voices chanting. The voices are saying excitedly' date=' "13! 13! 13! 13!" He's very curious, so he looks through a hole in the fence, and someone pokes him in the eye. "Ouch!" he says. Then he hears the voices chanting, "14! 14! 14! 14!" P.S. That would be me...I would look[/quote'] Me too! That's funny

[GrumpysWife]

Paddy goes for a job at a chemical factory, the factory manager asks

"Have you worked with chemicals before?"

"Yes!" Paddy replies.

The manager asks "Can you tell me what nitrate is?"

Paddy replies "I"m hoping its going to be time and a half.

Another good one. )'>

[GrumpysWife]

Another I found on a preachers website.

The Setting Forth of the Lutheran Rules

A. Any acolyte found to be in illegal motion will be assessed a 5-yard penalty or the loss of a candle.

B. Offering plates may be later aled; the peace may be passed

C. The liturgist may hand-off to the Lay Reader for the Lessons, provided changes in audible signs are clearly given.

D. A sermon in excess of 18 minutes will be regarded as "Delay of Service" and the preacher may lose possession of the pulpit.

E. Gate receipts may be gathered during the half-time show.

F. Ushers may blitz either the liturgist or preacher only during announcements.

G. Unconfirmed communicants (ineligible receivers) may be placed on wafers.

H. The liturgist may be awarded 3 points for correctly announcing the Super Bowl Sunday alternative title: Conversion of St. Paul.

Prior to the Entrance Hymn, the pastors will toss a coin. The winner may elect to be the preacher or liturgist; the loser may elect to defend the pulpit or lectern.

THE ENTRANCE HYMN

"A Multitude Comes From the East and West"

THE LESSONS

Ex. 14:22 Israelites make quarterback sneak across the Red Sea

Eph. 6:14-17 Suiting up in the proper equipment

Matt 28:16-20 Sending out the team

THE HYMN OF THE DAY

"Pass It On"

THE SERMON

(Play by play of God's Game Plan)

HALFTIME ACTIVITIES

THE DISTRIBUTION

If the Pastor is trapped behind the communion railing, the laity score a safety and the remainder of the service will be played out on the chancel steps.

THE 2-MINUTE WARNING

(played by the chimes)

THE BENEDICTION and CLOSING CHEERS

----------------------------------------------------------------------

* The above service was assembled under the leadership of Dr. Harvey Foonman, ex offico advisor to Lutheran Worship.

[GrumpysWife]

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.

He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap.

The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass."

[Áine]

'How long will it take me to walk into the village from here?' inquired the English tourist.

'No idea,' replied the Kerry farmer.

Off trudged the Englishman muttering to himself.

'Come back, sor,' called the Kerryman.

'What now?' asked the tourist.

'It'll take you about ten minutes.'

'Why didn't you tell me that in the first place?' asked the Englishman.

'Sure I didn't know how fast you walked!' smiled the farmer.

[retroHelen]

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes...........(We were given this in our Mandarin classes!!)

1. That's not right..............................................Sum ting wong

2.Are you harbouring a fugitive?........................Hu yu hai ding?

3. See me ASAP..............................................Kum hia

4. Stupid man...................................................Dum Dum

5.Small horse...................................................Tai ni po ni

6.Did you go to the beach..................................Wai yu so tan

7.I bumped the coffee tabl...................................Ai bang mai ni

8.I think you need a face lift ...............................Chin tu fat

9.It's very dark in here.........................................Wai so dim

10.I thought you were on a diet ...........................Wai yu mun ching

11.This is a tow away zone..................................No pah king

12.Our meeting is scheduled for next week ........Wai yu kum nao

13.Staying out of sight.......................................Lei ying lo

14.He's cleaning his automobile..........................Wa shing ka

15.Your body odour is offensive...........................Yu stin ki pu

16. Great!.............................................................Su pah

[ReadYourBible]

Q: What's green, has eight legs, and if it

falls out of a tree it can kill you?

A: A snooker table

[trottigy]

I see these aree starting to go around

[GrumpysWife]

Get ready for your first mammogram:

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your home.

EXERCISE ONE: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the door as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.

Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE TWO: Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled... Turn over and repeat with the other breast.

EXERCISE THREE: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against your breasts.

Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

YOU ARE TOTALLY PREPARED!

[GrumpysWife]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk..

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady.

"I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop…"How did you get all that money? "You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot

of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.

"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", "not everybody pays".

[GrumpysWife]

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.

This enables you at 85 years old

To spend an additional 5 months in a nursing

Home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking

Five miles a day when he was 60.

Now he's 97 years old

and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks,

especially when they are taken

by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking

is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,

before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I joined a health club last year,

spent about 400 bucks.

Haven't lost a pound.

Apparently you have to go there..

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',

I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,

But fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day

is so when you die, they'll say,

'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,

start with a small country.< /P>

I know I got a lot of exercise

the last few years, just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,

because there's a lot more information in our heads.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much

about how I look,

I just find a Happy Hour

and by the time I leave,

I look just fine.

[ReadYourBible]

Get ready for your first mammogram:

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your home.

EXERCISE ONE: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the door as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.

Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE TWO: Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled... Turn over and repeat with the other breast.

EXERCISE THREE: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against your breasts.

Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

YOU ARE TOTALLY PREPARED!

Yup. Sounds about right!

[retroHelen]

How many clergymen does it take to change a lightbulb?

None- they just grow more accustomed to the dark!

[GrumpysWife]

How many clergymen does it take to change a lightbulb? None- they just grow more accustomed to the dark!

Good one!

[GrumpysWife]

Some darn fool tried stealing my identity. Guess he didn't get what he'd bargained for and sent me a condolence card in the mail today. 

In it he wrote: 

Dear Chum,

Please accept my humblest of apologies. I am sorry I stole your identity. 

First I had a phone installed under your name. The dang thing wouldn't stop ringing! Bill collectors, lawyers, and your cousin Billy called collect from the State Pen every day! 

I applied for credit cards but instead of receiving cards I received balance due notices threatening to take me to court if not paid in full within 7 days. I've had to move twice already! 

I came home from a night out on the town last week and found your wife and kids sprawled out all over the house. My house is trashed, they've eaten all the food, and they refuse to leave! 

I promise to turn my life around and never commit another crime for as long as I live if you will come pick up your family. 

I replied: Nope! 

[robert_elv]

So have you heard this?

An athiest was going through a forest and suddenly a hungry bear appeared before him with wide open its mouth , ready to pounce on the athiest and eat him.... well,, this athiest suddenly prayed to god loudly .... hello god..... sorry that I never thought about you....sorry for that.... but now i beg you.... I do not pray that you kill this poor creature... but make this bear a christian please..........

boom.... lights shined across... and then this bear became a christian...

next....what happened?????

????

[Brother_Bliss]

So have you heard this?

An athiest was going through a forest and suddenly a hungry bear appeared before him with wide open its mouth , ready to pounce on the athiest and eat him.... well,, this athiest suddenly prayed to god loudly .... hello god..... sorry that I never thought about you....sorry for that.... but now i beg you.... I do not pray that you kill this poor creature... but make this bear a christian please..........

boom.... lights shined across... and then this bear became a christian...

next....what happened?????

????

The bear pins this man down to the ground, and then the bear looks to the sky and says "Dear father, I come to you in prayer thanking you for this food I am about to eat....."

[robert_elv]

Bravo Bob.............

[Dages]

i knew it with a lion