A good joke

[rocket]

6 hours ago, bohemian said:

A friend of mne has a girlfriend who is a quite a bit on the large size, and she is really into fast cars.  He asked her what she wanted as a present and she said "something that goes from 0 to 60 in three seconds".....

He bought her a set of bathroom scales.

 

Have you ever stood behind a cow without hobbles? You may have a similar experience when one of our full sized sisters gets a hold of you.  

[Tortuga]

22 minutes ago, rocket said:

 

Have you ever stood behind a cow without hobbles? You may have a similar experience when one of our full sized sisters gets a hold of you.  

We'll never know..

All the friends here are perfectly sized for the size they are...

[Ms. Piffle]

Not sure where to post, but wanted to share . . . 

 

Last Saturday was not a good day.
I decided to go horseback riding, something I hadn't done in over 30 yrs. It turned out to be a big mistake! I got on the horse and started out slow but then we went a little faster, and before I knew it we were going as fast as the horse could go! I couldn't take the pace and fell off but caught my foot in the stirrup with the horse dragging me. It wouldn't stop. It just kept going around and around in a circle.

Thank goodness the store manager at Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the machine!  :-)

[kejedo]

Told to our car group by a brother:

 

A newcomer, Al, was attending a first meeting.  He was seated behind a Jo-LO type figured woman. When they stood up for the song, the young man noticed the dress of the woman in front of him had assumed a wedge position, and the  naïve man tried to help her out by pulling her skirt out of  its creviced position. The Kardashian built lady turned and exclaimed, "How dare You?"

 

Now, the newcomer was impressed by the information he heard and brought a friend, Bob, to the next meeting.  Al and Bob happened to be sitting behind the same healthy built female. When they stood up, the brand new attendee noticed that thong-wedge-dress arrangement had re-occurred, and reached forward to pull the fabric from its stranglehold.

 

Immediately, Al reached out his hand and vertically guided the fabric back to its  stuck up position, by cracky. Al turned to Bob and explained. "She prefers it that way."    

 

 

[Tortuga]

1 hour ago, kejedo said:

Immediately, Al reached out his hand and vertically guided the fabric back to its  stuck up position, by cracky. Al turned to Bob and explained. "She prefers it that way."    

That cracks me up...

 

What?...you knew someone would say it...

[leoperales]

1 hour ago, Tortuga said:

That cracks me up...

 

What?...you knew someone would say it...

Unbelievable Richard. You have a wise answer for everything.  

Honestly though, I didn't get Pauline's joke. The punchline must have flown right past me. 

[dilip kumar]

Brilliant.....

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

"Hello."

"Mrs. Joshi, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Joshi, this is Doctor Kanitkar at metro Laboratory.

When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Joshi arrived as well...

We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.

Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Joshi asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's (memory loss) and the other one tested positive for HIV.

We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Joshi.

"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.

If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him!!!

😝😝😂😂

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[dilip kumar]

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[Áine]

Just a one liner. ..

 

The mad scientist mixed Oxygen and Magnesium. ....and all he could think was OMG .... sorry just my kind of humour :-D

[dilip kumar]

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[dilip kumar]

A Catholic Priest was dying in a hospital and asked the doctor to call a Police Officer & a politician .Within minutes, the two appeared. He asked them to sit on either side of the bed. The priest held their hands n kept quiet. The guys were so touched and at the same time felt very important for being summoned by a priest in his dying moment. Out of anxiety, the politician ask, 'But why did you call us? ' The priest gathered all his strength and said, 'Jesus died between two thieves.....I want to go the same way!!!!!!!!!!!

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[dilip kumar]

A married friend told me, he is working on the Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics under controlled environment....

I was impressed...

On further probing, I learnt that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision...!!

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[Gran60]

[GeordieGirl]

On 14/03/2015 at 2:30 AM, dilip kumar said:

The love story of Kamlesh and Kavita.

Kamlesh and Kavita were both patients in a mental hospital..

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Kamlesh suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Kavita promptly jumped in to save him.

She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Kavita's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Kavita the news she said: 'Kavita, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.

I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is that Kamlesh hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Kavita replied (you'll love this)

There's  no punch line ...... 

[Tortuga]

9 minutes ago, GeordieGirl said:

There's  no punch line ...... 

There was....

I see some of the posts have been chopped..

[Tortuga]

12 minutes ago, GeordieGirl said:

There's  no punch line ...... 

" He was still wet so I hung him up to dry"

[GeordieGirl]

1 hour ago, Tortuga said:

" He was still wet so I hung him up to dry"

 Thank you brother Richard. 

[gayathri]

School reunion special:

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.". Well . . . you'll love this one.

My name is Meena. I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his BDS degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 25-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended St Xavier's high school.

"Yes. yes, I did.' he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1987. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!!!!", I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then,

that

old,

bald,

wrinkled faced,

gray-haired,

decrepit,

idiot,

asked.....,

"What subject did you teach" ?

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

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[kejedo]

Dear Meena, make sure you bite him good on your next visit.

[dilip kumar]

( And i weigh 100 😁😁)

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[dilip kumar]

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied the girl.

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[dilip kumar]

There were these two blondes driving along the highway looking for a place to stop and picnic.

The first blonde says, "Let's stop here, and have our picnic under that tree."

The other says, "No! Let's have it right here in the middle of the road."

They argued about it for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in the middle of the road.

All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and has to swerve into the tree to keep from hitting them.

The one blonde says to the other, "See? If we were under that tree, we'd be dead now!"

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[dilip kumar]

Those Blond Men

A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: Did you find the shampoo?

He answers: Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine.

A blond man goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.

The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."

The blond man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."

A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND"

He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"

A blond man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself," the blond replies.

"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.

"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."

An Italian tourist asks a blond man: Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?

To which the blonde man replies: If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

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[gayathri]

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[gayathri]

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