A good joke

[Friends just call me Ross]

Need more ross

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More what?  

[dilip kumar]

Jokes

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[dilip kumar]

Lol

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[Friends just call me Ross]

Jokes

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Okay.  That's what I thought you meant.   

But, then I got to thinking that the doctors in India might write a lot more legibly

and so you may not have gotten the joke, and maybe needed more of an explanation. 

Edited July 14, 2015 by Friends just call me Ross

[dilip kumar]

Matt and his wife lived in the country. Matt was very stingy and hated spending money. One day a fair came to the nearby town.

"Let’s go to the fair, Matt,” his wife said, “We haven’t been anywhere for a long time.”

Matt thought about this for a while. He knew he would have to spend money at the fair. At last he said, “All right, but I’m not going to spend much money. We’ll look at things, but we won’t buy anything.”

They went to the fair and looked at all the things to buy. There were many things Matt’s wife wanted to buy, but he would not let her spend any money. Then, in a nearby field, they saw a small, old looking airplane.

"Fun flight!” the notice said, “$20 for 10 minutes.”

Matt had never been in an airplane and he wanted to go on a fun flight. However, he didn’t want to have to pay for his wife, as well.

"I’ve only got $20,” he told the pilot. “Can my wife come with me for free?”

The pilot wasn’t selling many tickets, so he said , “I'll make a bargain with you. If both of you can hold from screaming or shouting the whole flight, you won't have to pay for her.”

Matt agreed, and got into the small airplane with his wife.

The pilot took off and made his airplane do all kinds of things, up and down and all around, tricks, fast turns, everything he could to scare them. But they never uttered a word.

Eventually, the pilot said, “O.K., we'll land now. None of you made a sound so your can have her ride for free.”

"Thank you,” Matt said. “wasn’t easy, especially when she fell out.”

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[ang]

A redneck, a priest, a blonde & a dog, all walk into a bar. The bartender says: "What is this some kind of joke?!?"

[dilip kumar]

A man working in an IT company

[dilip kumar]

[dilip kumar]

What do we learn from

cow,

[jpcook]

No offense taken!  But then, I'm not Chinese, or Japanese, or Korean, or whatever

 

 

(In response to the Asian drawing on page 2)

Edited July 21, 2015 by jpcook

[jpcook]

Question: How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

 

 

Answer: You will never find an elephant with just one hand!

 

 

 

 

Question: If you have 4 apples and two oranges in one hand, and 3 pears and 2 peaches in the other hand, what do you have?

 

 

Answer: Very large hands!

[jpcook]

How can you drop an egg on concrete without cracking it?

 

Any way you want, concrete is hard to crack!

 

 

 

What is the main reason for failure?

 

Exams!

 

 

 

What is the main reason for divorce?

 

Marriage!

[Rajan]

What we do need to get forgiveness from God?

Commit sin !!!            

[dilip kumar]

Husband & wife went to Jerusalem and the Wife died there.

Priest: "Sending her body home would cost you $10000.... but... burial here at this holy city would cost just $100".

Man:"I'll take the body home!!!"

Priest:"Why the costly option? You must really love your wife a lot"

Man: "Nothing like that Father.. Just that Jesus was buried here and came alive on the 3rd day...

why risk......!!!

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[Tortuga]

Husband & wife went to Jerusalem and the Wife died there.

 

 

We know you love your wife despite all the jokes...

[dilip kumar]

First time - A pirate's Tale - joke

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."

The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with thispirate hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."

"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."

"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird poop!"

"Well," says the pirate, "I wasn't really used to the hook yet..."

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[dilip kumar]

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[dilip kumar]

For your Morning laugh:

A indian woman visits a Bar

[dilip kumar]

Murphy's Other 15 Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

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[pnutts]

<<<9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.>>>

 

Someone's been to California

[Tortuga]

<<<9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.>>>

 

Someone's been to California

 

Yeah, we know. That's why you were passed....

[Precision]

Yeah, we know. That's why you were passed....

 

Yeah...I love California stops, what stops! Or sitting stuck in traffic on the I-10 opening the truck door, just as the San Bernadino chapter of the Hells Angels are passing you on the white line.   

[pnutts]

Yeah...I love California stops, what stops! Or sitting stuck in traffic on the I-10 opening the truck door, just as the San Bernadino chapter of the Hells Angels are passing you on the white line.   

Don't forget the bridge washout on hwy 10. Californians say "What washout? That's just a bit bigger pothole than normal." :censored:   :pistols:

Edited July 28, 2015 by pnutts

[Tortuga]

Yeah...I love California stops, what stops! Or sitting stuck in traffic on the I-10 opening the truck door, just as the San Bernadino chapter of the Hells Angels are passing you on the white line.   

 

California stops are just a legend, we obey the traffic laws just like everyone else....

 

Motorcycles can legally pass vehicles under certain circumstances and opening your vehicle door as they pass you is never a good idea so I assume you are jesting..

[pnutts]

Yeah, we know. That's why you were passed....

That means you are saying that Californians are Stupid!