matchmaking? How is it wrong.

[Ishaya]

Okay I got a call from an Elder who requested my help in finding a marriage mate for him in my local congregation,so i saw a sister I believed will be a good and supportive mate and then I contacted the sister to discuss with her if she will be Interested.not long after my discussion with her I got a call from her brother who is also an Elder and he thinks that what i am doing is machmaking and that it is unscriptural.
Now the Elder(her brother) said i should not have discussed it with the sister,that what i should have done is to ask the  the other brother (who lives quite far away) to travel down to my congregation and meet the sister himself and try to win her affection.
But I told him i think it would save a lot of stress simply discussing with the sister first,show her photos of the brother,if she thinks she likes him then the brother can come and meet her in person and then they can date and know themselves better before deciding whether they can marry.but if she doesn't like him or if she is not ready,it simply ends there.

I just want to understand more if its matchmaking  trying to help someone who request for  your help to find a mate,and if it is matchmaking what makes it wrong,I mean how is it wrong to seek for help from a brother or sister to find a mate for you even if you are far away or how is it wrong for a brother to discuss with another sister about someone having interest in her.

 

I find the idea of the Elder quite surprising and thought I should get clarification from others as well believing that we have Elders here in the forum since this issue involves two or even three elders(I'll explain), two elders didn't see anything wrong with this but the sister's brother who is also an Elder thinks it is unscriptural.

[Qapla]

Since it requires such a small piece of wood to try to get the flammable material to adhere to one end and the relatively low cost of buying commercially made matches, I'm not sure I see the wisdom or desire to make your own matches ... after all, since we don't smoke, the need to carry matches around is virtually needless and there are all sorts of "fire igniters" when camping or lighting a cooking fire.

 

Amazon even has "strike anywhere" matches still available even though most common matches are the "safety" type.

 

I suppose, if a person wants to experiment or just as a hobby make their own matches, there is no reason ...

 

 

 

 

 

I just realized this is not the kind of "matches" this thread is about. I mean, I saw the title and ... I guess this is a good reminder of applying Proverbs 18:13 before we post a reply in a thread - "When anyone replies to a matter before he hears the facts, It is foolish and humiliating."

 

 

 

 

 

As for the actual subject of this thread - we have been cautioned from the platform about this ... but, that is usually talking about "unauthorized interference/meddling" - however, this is about trying to help when we have been asked to do so. 

 

This is a really interesting topic and I look forward to the comments others who are better suited to answer this question than I appear to be.

 

 

Edited February 14, 2023 by Qapla

[MullumMiss]

Match-making in my opinion is if you independently try to match a couple.  I don’t see anything wrong in what you have done.  Incidentally, how did the sister feel about what you did?  Maybe she felt you were match-making?  I believe that Bro Harold King (imprisoned in China in 50’s) was introduced to his wife in a similar manner.  

https://wol.jw.org/en/wol/d/r1/lp-e/2004085#h=1

[Ishaya]

Okay the other Elder came in the picture because I thought at first that being an Elder from this my area he should be in a good position to assist in this matter,so I connected the brother looking for a mate to the Elder from my area that I thought could help,he accepted to assist but it turns out the brother did not find the type of sister he's looking for so it came back to me.

So that's how we got three Elders in the picture,two didn't have problem with the situation but the sister's brother who is also an Elder saw things differently.

[Qapla]

3 minutes ago, Ishaya said:

that's how we got three Elders in the picture, two didn't have problem with the situation but the sister's brother who is also an Elder saw things differently.

 

It almost seems like this objection has more to do with him being "the sister's brother" than him being an elder and basing his objection on scriptural grounds.

 

 

[Ishaya]

12 minutes ago, Qapla said:

Since it requires such a small piece of wood to try to get the flammable material to adhere to one end and the relatively low cost of buying commercially made matches, I'm not sure I see the wisdom or desire to make your own matches ... after all, since we don't smoke, the need to carry matches around is virtually needless and there are all sorts of "fire igniters" when camping or lighting a cooking fire.

 

Amazon even has "strike anywhere" matches still available even though most common matches are the "safety" type.

 

I suppose, if a person wants to experiment or just as a hobby make their own matches, there is no reason ...

 

 

 

 

 

I just realized this is not the kind of "matches" this thread is about. I mean, I saw the title and ... I guess this is a good reminder of applying Proverbs 18:13 before we post a reply in a thread - "When anyone replies to a matter before he hears the facts, It is foolish and humiliating."

 

 

 

 

 

As for the actual subject of this thread - we have been cautioned from the platform about this ... but, that is usually talking about "unauthorized interference/meddling" - however, this is about trying to help when we have been asked to do so. 

 

This is a really interesting topic and I look forward to the comments others who are better suited to answer this question than I appear to be.

 

 

 

Okay I didn't get the idea about making matches or carrying one about,Lols.

 

[Tortuga]

1 hour ago, Ishaya said:

kay I got a call from an Elder who requested my help in finding a marriage mate for him in my local congregation

I'm not familiar with what you described so I can't help to answer your question. However, I can relate a personal experience. My brother-in-law (Sisters husbands brother) was a Gilead graduate in the early 70's, he was assigned to China. As a very tall Scandinavian he was head and shoulders above the general population. When his Chinese wife died he moved back the USA and was assigned to a Chinese congregation in the mid-west. When he was invited to give a talk in another congregation, he would ask the elders to introduce him to any single sisters that had the spiritual qualifications that he was looking for in a wife. One time he was contacted by a small congregation that had assigned a sister to assist the talk coordinator. After he explained his request to her, she replied "what about me?" they married in 2010. Sadly, he died in 2018.

[Californiamama]

3 minutes ago, Tortuga said:

I'm not familiar with what you described so I can't help to answer your question. However, I can relate a personal experience. My brother-in-law (Sisters husbands brother) was a Gilead graduate in the early 70's, he was assigned to China. As a very tall Scandinavian he was head and shoulders above the general population. When his Chinese wife died he moved back the USA and was assigned to a Chinese congregation in the mid-west. When he was invited to give a talk in another congregation, he would ask the elders to introduce him to any single sisters that had the spiritual qualifications that he was looking for in a wife. One time he was contacted by a small congregation that had assigned a sister to assist the talk coordinator. After he explained his request to her, she replied "what about me?" they married in 2010. Sadly, he died in 2018.

 

And, adding to that story.....what I found so cute was that this new sister already was learning Cantonese!  She said "Jehovah made her do it". Because there was such a large Chinese population in her area, she often needed to rely on a RV to translate for her over the phone.  She would hand the householder a note in Chinese with the RV's number who would then mediate.  The problem was the RV worked in a restaurant and they would often interrupt her there.  Once our sister ordered a few Bibles in Chinese and an entire case was sent to her congregation accidentally.  An anointed brother told her to pay attention to the leanings of Holy Spirit.  She started learning the language (all the Bibles got placed as well) it was beautiful that she would meet a brother who had spent years in the missionary work in Hong Kong.  They made a good team and had many Bible studies in Cantonese.

[bobby]

i never had anyone try to matchmaking me, why you ask know sister would want some how only make less the poverty wages 

in fact i don't know any woman how would i never made or had a job that payed well to take care of a family 

[Esined]

Chiming in, @Ishaya don’t think there is anything scripturally wrong with what you did at all because an elder asked you for your help. It was a lot more respectful for you to ask the sister how she felt about it first before putting them in touch with each other, rather than having him just come out and try to woo (what a weird word that is, lol) her without checking with her first.
 

Sometimes I actually wish there was some kind of arrangement, even informally,

to help with this. It sounds like it isn’t unusual for brothers to make inquiries like this but as a sister I feel like it would seem really odd or even frowned upon to put out an APB to local congregations looking for a good brother.  (I’m kidding, I know it’s not an APB 😆) Once you are over 40, have a child and want to remarry it becomes much harder to meet good spiritual brothers in similar circumstances and phase of life who are also looking for the same thing, especially if you are also trying to stay balanced and focused on spiritual things. It would be nice to be able to call someone up and ask for introductions without it seeming weird. It’s nice to hear happy stories of when it works out!

 

[Hope]

I think the pertinent question is:  How does the sister feel about it?  If she's okay, then it's really no one's business - including her brother's - how she comes in contact with a potential suitor.  If she doesn't appreciate being offered as an eligible sister to brothers, then it would be a good idea to not do that anymore.

 

@Esined wrote: 

 

Quote

 

Sometimes I actually wish there was some kind of arrangement, even informally,

to help with this. It sounds like it isn’t unusual for brothers to make inquiries like this but as a sister I feel like it would seem really odd or even frowned upon to put out an APB to local congregations looking for a good brother.  (I’m kidding, I know it’s not an APB 😆) Once you are over 40, have a child and want to remarry it becomes much harder to meet good spiritual brothers in similar circumstances and phase of life who are also looking for the same thing, especially if you are also trying to stay balanced and focused on spiritual things. It would be nice to be able to call someone up and ask for introductions without it seeming weird. It’s nice to hear happy stories of when it works out!

 

 

I think something like this would be great.  But it will never happen in Western culture on this side of the New World.   

[Ahuvah]

When commenting on an international site, what we don't see is the lifestyle of those in another land. What is and is not acceptable. 

 

I guess when it comes down to the brass tacks or the bones of the matter there were matchmaking situations in the scriptures, often based on spiritual qualifications, not always. So as always our research helps us to decide what is right or wrong based on what is acceptable not just to men, but to Jehovah in your locality.

Some lovely points in the following article: https://wol.jw.org/en/wol/d/r1/lp-e/1974002?q=Matchmaking&p=doc

 

 

[JennyM]

 

Nothings wrong with what you did. 

[Ishaya]

6 hours ago, Hope said:

I think the pertinent question is:  How does the sister feel about it?  If she's okay, then it's really no one's business - including her brother's - how she comes in contact with a potential suitor.  If she doesn't appreciate being offered as an eligible sister to brothers, then it would be a good idea to not do that anymore.

 

@Esined wrote: 

 

 

I think something like this would be great.  But it will never happen in Western culture on this side of the New World.   

 

Okay so I talked with the sister,explained the situation to her and ask if she will like to know the brother,but she didn't think it was okay for me to do that,obviously she share her brother's view on the matter,she will prefer the brother coming to her directly,which is also fine,but it is not always possible,for example a brother may be living very far away and he will like to know that if comes down the sister will already be familiar with him and has shown she is interested too.

 

I didn't have problem with the sister declining,she is not obligated to accept but getting her brother(the Elder) into the discussion to assist her in declining didn't seem mature to me,what I expected was for her to simply let me know she doesn't have the interest and it will all end at that,I was not even going to make any effort to persuade her,because it is entirely her decision to make and its a serious decision and I will not like to influence that.

 

In this part of the word,it is considered even more appropriate for a man to disclose his intention for a lady through his close friend or someone very close to the lady.

It is felt that a man who approahes a lady directly is shameless and only intends to flirt with her,so a man who really intends to marry a lady will involve others to help him out,this is considered proof of a serious relationship.

 

The thing now is,should i not help other brothers who seek for such help following this experience?

to me I  don't think it will be the right thing to do,because prior to this experience,another brother once reached out to me for such help and it wasn't a problem for the sisters I discussed it with,in fact they thanked me for considering them suitable for marriage and recommending them.

So I really think that if it is not unscriptural to ask for help in finding a mate or assisting someone asking for help,then I don't think others should be denied such help simply because of some peoples personal opinion on the matter.