A good joke

[Old]

A non political joke!
IF Hillary Clinton wins the U.S. presidential election, it will be the first
time in history that two U.S. presidents have slept with each
other!

IF Donald Trump wins the U.S. presidential election, it will be the first
time in history that a billionaire moves into public housing vacated by a
black family!

Is this a crazy country or what? 

[Tortuga]

8 minutes ago, Old said:

IF Hillary Clinton wins the U.S. presidential election, it will be the first
time in history that two U.S. presidents have slept with each
other!

Well...we don't know if George W Bush ever slept with his father when he was growing up...

[Buddy]

 What time is the debate on Pacific standard time 

[gayathri]

Wife: Will you take me out for dinner in the evening?

Your options are:

A) YES

A

C) B


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🏹
Amazing Fact 🤔

You need at least *1 witness to prove a murder*

and a minimum of *2 witnesses to register a marriage!*

It clarifies which one is more dangerous?

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[gayathri]

Absolute Classic!!!

*Astrologer*: Do u want to know about your husband's future?
*Wife*: Rubbish, I will decide his future ! you just tell me his past.

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Absolute Classic!!!

*Astrologer*: Do u want to know about your husband's future?
*Wife*: Rubbish, I will decide his future ! you just tell me his past.

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[gayathri]

5 year old boy :-
I Love u Mom.
MoM :- Awww ! I Love u Too.......

16 year Old Boy :-
I Love u Mom.
MoM :- Sorry ! I Have No Money...
.
.
21year Old Boy :- I Love u Mom.
Mom :- Hmm...who is she and where she lives ?
.
.
Moral : Maa knows everything

But the Best is..

35 yr old man : mom I love you ..
Mom : I told u before itself, dnt marry dat girl....


And the award winning one...

55 yr old man : Mom I love you...

Mom: Go man. I won't sign on any of ur documents ..
.

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[Omoyeme]

True story:  There was a brother from a Kingdom Hall in Georgia (USA) who had an experience that I would like to share with you.

 

He was out in the ministry one day working "not-at-homes" and he approached this particular door and knocked.  No one answered but he could hear that someone was in there, so he knocked again.  Still, no answer.  So he decided that he was going to preach to this person anyway.  He got out his Bible and yelled through the door:  "If there is anyone in there, I want you to get your Bible and turn to Revelation 3:20."

 

After another long silence, he heard a voice yelling through the door, saying:  "I read your scripture, and now I want you to read mine. Please read Genesis 3:10."

 

Edited September 27, 2016 by Omo_Yeme

[Friends just call me Ross]

59 minutes ago, Omo_Yeme said:

"I read your scripture, and now I want you to read mine. Please read Genesis 3:10."

 

 

That's a good one!

Boy, that householder really knew their Bible!

Thanks for sharing!

[Qapla]

I heard that one a long time ago but it is still quite amusing 

[Alexa]

7 minutes ago, Qapla said:

I heard that one a long time ago but it is still quite amusing 

ME too dear brother  

[dilip kumar]

A perfect man
- wakes up at 5 am everyday
- exercises everyday
- makes his own bed
- cleans his room
- works sincerely
- does not touch alcohol
- helps in the kitchen
- does not indulge in night life
- is always punctual
- prays daily
- reads
- hits the bed at 9 pm sharp

Where do you find such perfect men?

Answer: prison( jail. )

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[dilip kumar]

Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.

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[dilip kumar]

My sister felt she was well prepared for her in-depth interview with several members of the police-academy board who would determine her suitability as a candidate. The first situation they presented to her was: "On routine patrol you see a car traveling at excessive speed, with undue care and attention. You pull it over and discover that the driver is your brother. What do you do?"

Without hesitation she replied, "Tell Mom!"

She was accepted.



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[dilip kumar]

Dad puts finger print(Thumb impression) on son's mark sheet.

Child asked father:
Being a chartered accountant,
Why did you put finger prints instead of signature on my progress card.

Father replied:
idiot,after looking at your marks, the teacher should not think that I am educated.




A frog asked an astrologer
"Pls tel my future?"
Astrologer:A young cute girl will touch u
Frog: wow,great, when&where?
Astrologer:
Next semester,in biology lab....

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[dilip kumar]

Very rare incident. It happens once in 1000 years. All planets in a row

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[dilip kumar]

In my early 50s, I attended a large and lavish wedding reception.
going through the receiving line I noticed that one of the bridesmaid, a stunningly gorgeous Young women couldn't take her eyes off me
my ego soared.
after greeting the Bridal couple, I approached the lovely bridesmaid preparing to turn on the charm .
she spoke up first.....
Sir ,your necktie is hanging in your champagne glass.

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[dilip kumar]

A husband and wife were going in the lift.
At a particular floor, a very beautiful lady entered the lift.
The husband was just struck with awe looking at her beauty.
Suddenly the lady turned around and slapped him hard and said "be careful." And she left.
The husband was embarrassed.
He had been slapped in front of his wife.
He started to speak to his wife.
Husband: ah you see
Wife : no no its OK.
Husband: no, no i just....
Wife: its alright don't worry.
Husband : no i was just looking and i just.....
Wife : you don't have to explain.....
Husband : but it was ....
Wife : yeah i know you didn't do anything.
Husband : yeah , but she.....
Wife : no it was me who pinched her at the bottom since you were looking at her like that
Husband : what ?


Moral : be careful


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[dilip kumar]

When I reached office, I got a call from my wife..."what is the date today?" ..








🤔🤔🤒

I was wondering..then told her 15th October...






call disconnected.....



















I was wondering ( rather FRIGHTENED... )...


her birthday?....... No


...mine............ No...

()

......anniversary.......... no

....... son's birthday .......... no

in laws' bday/anniversary.... no


gas booking........ done

utility payments........done

her uncle who arrives when we want to go out, sqat and kill us and our time.....his birthday... ...no





Then?!








Why date???










Lunch and evening tea went with spinning questions...


🤔



reached home...





Junior was playing in car park...

Asked him....

how is the weather in kitchen? Tornado... tsunami???

Boy told " all normal. Why?"

" your mom asked me..what is the date today in the morning?"









Boy smiled and told me...



"I tore some sheets from calendar in morning...



she was confused.."







🙄🤔



Being husband is a tough job.





Dedicated to all husbands in the world!!

Pass to all the married guys and make them stress free for a minute




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[dilip kumar]

Height of internet addiction

At a funeral...

A visitor: What's the WiFi password here?

Priest: respect the dead

Visitor: all small letters?🤔

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[dilip kumar]

Boss: Where do you see the company after 3 quarters?

Employee : After 3 quarters I don't really care about company growth, I just do the snake dance.

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[gayathri]

The Most Confusing Slogan Ever:

World Health Organization,
Says -

*"WHO Cares".*


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[gayathri]

*Police questioning the robber*

*Police* How did u come to know that there is no one in the house.

*Robber*: The update of the entire family with 15 photos was available on Facebook and whtsapp status. "Enjoying Holidays in Goa for one week".



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[garryspicer]

[dilip kumar]

PASSWORD PROBLEMS:

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one uppercase character.

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one uppercase character consecutively.

USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER : IWillHuntYouDown50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
(This joke won an award for the Best Joke in a competition held in Britain)

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[kejedo]

This thread just reminded me of an experience I had  in service in the 80s. I started a study with a young lady. She and her husband, who was occasionally being called on by a brother, lived very far off the beaten path (through the woods, up a mountain, even extreme by Maine standards).

 

Backdrop: At that time, shoulder pads were in style for women. Those on a limited budget could recycle outdated clothing by purchasing a pair of foam inserts that would sit on the wearers shoulder and mimic(?) the cut of fashion du jour.

 

One day, I arrived at my Bible student's door, wearing such an ensemblay, and her husband came outside of the house to tell me she wasn't home. He hadn't seen the current publication, so I launched into a presentation. Juggling my book bag, purse, Bible, and mags must have dislodged one of the shoulder pads, which promptly came flying out of my collar and fell onto the ground. It dawned on me that my shoulders must look distractingly  uneven, so, without thinking, I uttered these senseless words, "Oh, I'm sorry, the rest of me is factory issue."   Well, just another embarrassing moment. However, the former Bible Student is now our Sister.

 

Moral : Think before you speak, even when awkward moments prompt a hasty, but undiscernible apology.

Real moral: Jehovah can overcome our gaffes and fashion blunders.