A good joke

[1gemstone]

On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

(Sorry 'bout the St. Peter part. That's how the original joke goes. If it's unacceptable, I'll get it deleted)

     

[dilip kumar]

Difference between Sun

[dilip kumar]

Sent from my C6802 using Tapatalk

[dilip kumar]

Could not resist sending this........

Early one morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up, “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school.”

SON : “Awww Mom! I don’t want to go to school.”

MOM : “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go to school.”

SON :

“One, all the children hate me.

Two, all the teachers hate me.”

MOM : “Oh! that’s not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school.”

SON : “ OK. You give me two good reasons WHY I should go to school?”

MOM :

One,

you are FIFTY-TWO years old,

And should understand your responsibilities.

And...

Two.....

You are the PRINCIPAL of the school!"

[dilip kumar]

Hilarious Laws which you have not studied in schools:

[pnutts]

Hilarious Laws which you have not studied in schools:

Law of equality :

The time taken by a wife when she says I'll get ready in 5 minutes is exactly equal to the time taken by husband when he says 'I'll cal you in 5 minutes!

➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖

Law of Queue:

If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖

Law of Telephone:

When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy tone.

➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖

Law of Mechanical Repair:

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖

Law of the Workshop:

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖

Bath Theorem:

When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖

Law of Encounters:

The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖

Law of the Result:

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖

Law of Bio mechanics:

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖

Theatre Rule:

People with the seats at the farthest from the entry arrive last.

➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖

Law of Coffee:

As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will

last until the coffee is cold.

➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖

Law of Proposal :

After you accept a proposal you will get a better one...

➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖

Law of getting late

When you reach early for something it will never start on time

➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖

Law of exam

If you didn't read a page which is of least importance, first question will be from that page only.

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Sounds like Uncle Murphy has been busy again making more laws.

[Tortuga]

On his 20th wedding anniversary a man brings home just 17 red roses to his wife

"Here is a rose for every happy year we had together"

She looks at him for a minute, takes out 3 roses, throws them away and puts the 14 roses in a vase.

 

[Musky]

Billy Bob and Jim worked for the Little Rock airport loading luggage. It was Friday night and it was almost quitting time.

 

As they were relaxing after work, they started talking about what to do on Friday night.

 

Billy said he'd sure like to go out and get drunk, but really couldn't afford it this week and besides, he didn't like the bad hangover he always ended up with the next morning.

 

Jim asked him if he had ever drank Jet fuel, because he had heard that it was mostly alcohol and actually tasted pretty good and didn't have the bad hangover affect the next day. Plus since they had easy access to it, it would be free for them.

 

Billy said he hadn't but was willing to try it, so they skeptically got some and tasted it.

 

"Hey this isn't bad at all" said Jim, and Billy agreed.

 

So they both got really drunk and when he woke up at home the next morning, Billy felt great! No hangover at all. He was really impressed!

 

A few minutes after he woke up his phone rang and it was Jim asking him how he felt.

 

"I feel really good, Jim that was a great idea, free booze and no hangover at all"!

 

"Me too, said Jim, but have you farted yet"?

 

"No" said Billy.

 

Jim said "Well don't, because I'm in Phoenix"!

[dilip kumar]

Had a hearty laugh

Sent from my LG-E988

[Tcvancoops]

Once upon a time, there was Larry the Lobster and Sam the Clam. They were the best of friends. One day, they were both killed. Larry the Lobster went to Heaven and Sam the Clam went to Hell. Larry the Lobster missed Sam the Clam so much, he asked God if he could go to Hell to visit Sam. God agreed, but he told Larry not to forget his harp.

Larry the Lobster agreed and down to Hell he went. When he found Sam the Clam, he had his own Disco in hell. Larry the Lobster had such a great time with Sam the Clam, that he lost all track of time. Larry heard the voice of God saying "Larry you must come back to Heaven."

Larry ran as fast as he could back to Heaven. When God saw Larry, he said, "Where is your Harp?"

Larry replied, "I left my Harp in Sam Clam's Disco."

(helps if you know the song "I Left My Heart in San Francisco")

[dilip kumar]

Do try this - it's pretty accurate I think.....

[Tortuga]

Do try this - it's pretty accurate I think.....

In the middle of the table was a round food tray with 5 kinds of fruit in it.

There are:

a. Apple

b. Banana

c. Strawberry

d. Peach

e. Orange

Which fruit will u choose?

Your choice reveals about u!

Ok, you caught me!

I think this would make a good question for someone that studies human behavior. It's interesting that we would be willing to have someone tell us how our eating preferences can reveal our inner self.

[dilip kumar]

[19/06 9:20 pm] Br.jinesh Tirusur: Technical Difference

[kejedo]

You didn't catch me on the fruit one. After I walked dogs this morning, I ground some fresh coffee beans. Now, I think I will sit down a bit, savor a fresh cuppa and, ruminate on this one. Scratching my head. 

[Tortuga]

[19/06 9:20 pm] Br.jinesh Tirusur: Technical Difference

What is the difference between welding and wedding ..

In welding there are sparks first and bonding forever, , whereas in wedding there is bonding first and sparks ⚡forever ...

[20/06 2:48 pm] ‪+91 99443 57810‬: SOLVE PUZZLE......

I am a 5 letter word.

I am normally below u

If u remove my 1st letter

u'll find me above u

If u remove my 1st & 2nd letters u cant see me

Answer is really very interesting

Let us see who solves this.......

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Stair

Tair

Air

????

[kejedo]

Here's an odd one. Cut off its head, not so odd. Then cut off the tail, and its a real mother. 

Edited June 20, 2015 by kejedo

[Tortuga]

Here's an odd one. Cut off its head, not so odd. Then cut off the tail, and its a real mother. 

I need a hint. Animal, insect or something else?

[kejedo]

I need a hint. Animal, insect or something else?

Concept.

[Qapla]

What is greater than Jehovah, worse than Satan and if you eat it - you will die?

[Musky]

Brussel sprouts! 

[Tortuga]

What is greater than Jehovah, worse than Satan and if you eat it - you will die?

Nothing!

[Qapla]

That is absolutely, completely, totally, utterly, perfectly, entirely, wholly, fully, quite, thoroughly, unreservedly,definitely, certainly, positively, unconditionally, categorically, unquestionably, undoubtedly, surely, unequivocally,exactly, precisely, decisively, conclusively, manifestly, in every way, in every respect, one hundred percent, every inch, to the hilt correct

[Tortuga]

That is absolutely, completely, totally, utterly, perfectly, entirely, wholly, fully, quite, thoroughly, unreservedly,definitely, certainly, positively, unconditionally, categorically, unquestionably, undoubtedly, surely, unequivocally,exactly, precisely, decisively, conclusively, manifestly, in every way, in every respect, one hundred percent, every inch, to the hilt correct

Yeah, but are you sure?

 

[Tortuga]

Here's an odd one. Cut off its head, not so odd. Then cut off the tail, and its a real mother. 

I PM my answer.

[Tortuga]

Here's an odd one. Cut off its head, not so odd. Then cut off the tail, and its a real mother. 

Seven

Even

Eve.

 

My first guess didn't factor in your comment about it being an odd one. tricky.