A good joke

[pnutts]

Aboslute zero - Hell freezes over and Toronto Maple Leafs Still Don't win Stanley Cup.

[gayathri]

This is ultimate

Sonia Gandhi is with the Queen of England.

Sonia: "Your Majesty, any tips you can give me to stay in power, the way you ha ve been for so long?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Sonia frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me

are intelligent?"

The Queen: "Easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "David Cameron, would you come in here, please?"

David Cameron walked into the room and said, "Yes, ma'am?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, David. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered, "That would be me, ma'am."

"Very good! Thank you, David !" said the Queen.

Then she turned to Sonia with a smile and said "See?"

Now its Sonia's turn to apply the same logic....

Sonia went back to India and asked Rahul..

"Rahul , answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Rahul Gandhi . "Let me get back to you on that one..."

Rahul Gandhi went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer...

Finally, he ran into Narendra Modi and asked, "Narendrabhai, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"..

Narendra Modi said, tell your mother, "That's easy, it's me!"..

Rahul Gandhi said, "Thanks!"

Then he went back to Sonia. "I did some thinking and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Narendra Modi..."

[dilip kumar]

One interesting word in English.

Oxymoron:

An Oxymoron is defined as a phrase in which two words of opposite meanings are brought together....

Here are some funny oxymorons :

1) Clearly Misunderstood

2) Exact Estimate

3) Small Crowd

4) Act Naturally

5) Found Missing

6) Fully Empty

7) Pretty Ugly

8) Seriously Funny

9) Only Choice

10) Original Copies

And people say the Mother of all Oxymorons is-

11) "Happily Married"

[kejedo]

One interesting word in English.

Oxymoron:

An Oxymoron is defined as a phrase in which two words of opposite meanings are brought together....

Here are some funny oxymorons :

1) Clearly Misunderstood

2) Exact Estimate

3) Small Crowd

4) Act Naturally

5) Found Missing

6) Fully Empty

7) Pretty Ugly

8) Seriously Funny

9) Only Choice

10) Original Copies

And people say the Mother of all Oxymorons is-

11) "Happily Married"

Sent from my C6802 using Tapatalk

Wicked good.

Jumbo Shrimp

[Tortuga]

Wicked good.

Jumbo Shrimp

The classic Military Intelligence

[Qapla]

And here I always thought an oxy moron was a defensive lineman in Amercan Football

[kejedo]

And here I always thought an oxy moron was a defensive lineman in Amercan Football

Some are regular morons.

[Tortuga]

And here I always thought an oxy moron was a defensive lineman in Amercan Football

I thought it was a moron that hypervenilated

[kejedo]

I thought it was a moron that hypervenilated

Maybe

Edited June 30, 2015 by kejedo

[dilip kumar]

[pnutts]

Big moron and little moron were walking along a cliff. Big moron fell off, why didn't little moron?

 

 

 

 

 

Because he was a little more on!    Old joke from many a decade ago.

[Tortuga]

Here is an old Smothers Brothers routine;

 

Tom: You can tell who's running the country by how much clothes people wear, see? 

 

Dick: Do you mean that some people can afford more clothes on, and some people have... less on? Is that what you mean? 

 

Tom: That's right. 

 

Dick: I don't understand. 

 

Tom: See, the ordinary people, you'd say that the ordinary people are the less-ons. 

 

Dick: So who's running the country? 

 

Tom: The morons. 

[Friends just call me Ross]

    Lady Astor to Churchill: "Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your tea."

  Churchill to Lady Astor: "Nancy, if I were your husband, I would drink it.”

 

   

[Tortuga]

One of my favorite jokes;

 

Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he asked, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"

 

"Well, Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"

 

"And the boar tore up his leg?"

 

"No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"

 

"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?"

 

"No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drownded. Sure did save my life."

 

"And that was when he hurt his leg?"

 

"Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."

 

"OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"

 

"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once!" 

[Opal]

A couple bought a talking parrot from a pet shop. A week later they wanted to return the parrot. The pet shop owner asked them why. They said because every Thursday evening and Sunday morning it shouts " meeting time" and before every meal it shouts "say thanks for the food". The owner told them that the parrot was previously owned by a Jehovah's Witness couple and they should go home and next time he says something like that they should shake his cage real hard. The couple decided to talk his advice. The next time the parrot said "meeting time" the couple shook his cage. The parrot shouted "Armageddon, Armageddon".

[Qapla]

A lady bought a talking parot from the stroe and brought it home. Everthing was fine for a few days until the lady was late feeding the bird. The bird let out with a string of "bad words". The lady decided shw would put the bird in the refrigerator for a few minutes to teach him a lesson.

 

When he got out, and warmed up a little, he again abused her with language. This time, she put him in the freezer .... then the phone rang.

 

She was talking on the phone for quite a while when she remembered the parot was int eh freezer. She hurried to take him out. He was so cold he didn't move for at least an hour. When he finally quit shivering he finally spoke - he asked, "I just want to know what that turkey in there did"

[kejedo]

I told my students this silly math joke. I was traveling by plane and looked up the stats: the chances of a bomb on board are one in a thousand. How can I increase my safety probability?  Well, I bring my own bomb. The chances of two bombs on a plane are one in a million. 

[Tortuga]

I told my students this silly math joke. I was traveling by plane and looked up the stats: the chances of a bomb on board are one in a thousand. How can I increase my safety probability?  Well, I bring my own bomb. The chances of two bombs on a plane are one in a million. 

 

I happened to say exactly the same thing to someone a couple of weeks ago. i should be out on bail any day now, I thought TSA agents appreciated math...

[dilip kumar]

Killer joke:

.

.

The Students of MBBS were attending Their 1st

Anatomy

Class,

They all Gathered around the Surgery Table with a

Real Dead

Dog,

..

The Professor put His Finger in Dog's nose &

Taste it

in His

own Mouth,

Then He asked the Students to do the Same,

The students Hesitated for several Minutes,

But atlast EveryOne inserted their Finger in Dog's

nose &

Taste it,

.

.

When everyone finished,

The Professor looked at Them & Said:

The most important Quality is 'Observation'

.

.

I inserted my MIDDLE Finger But Tasted the FIRST

Finger,

Today you just Learn,

"How to Pay Attention"

..

All Students shouted.... Dog, you are dog

[dilip kumar]

Grandfather: There was once a time when I used to go with 2 cents in my pocket and I would come home with all groceries, bread, butter, milk, biscuits, newspaper etc...

Grandson: it's not possible to do so these days Grandpa... They've put CCTV everywhere

[dilip kumar]

Sent from my C6802 using Tapatalk

[Qapla]

There was a college football player who was having problems with his English course.

 

In order to still qualify to play the student had to pass the English exam - he failed.

 

The Football Coach talked to the English Professor to see if there was any way to help this student be eligble. He expalined that the student had worked hard during the "bye week". Not only had he worked hard on the field, he had memorized the entire play book - and that the Professor should give him a break.

 

The Professor decided to give a little - it was the BIG game. He said he would give the student another test.

 

The professor told the student to sit in a front row desk, take out paper and pencil/pen and spell the word "coffee".

 

The Coach paced in the back of the room while the student looked up, down, rubbed his head, closed his eyes checked the clock. After conciderable time had passed he finally slapped his forehead with his palm, smiled and began to write. When he finished, he handed the paper to the Professor.

 

The Professor looked at the paper as the Coach rushed to the front of the room. The Professor exclaimed, "See! See why I can't pass this student?!?"

 

The Coach took the paper and looked at it, the student had writen in deliberate letters "kauphy", and said, "Big Deal! So he left out the I"

[kejedo]

Overheard in a high school faculty lounge:

i. A student's father had been called in because one of the students had continually taken the pencil/ pen away from the student at the next desk. The father, angry at the teacher, said,"I don't know why he would do that. I can take as many as I want from work."

ii. A teacher had finally reached a parent at home, the father of a student who constantly used inappropriate language in class, despite the teacher's reminders. Teacher explains the situation the the student's father. Teacher holds the receiver away from ear, so all in room can hear. Father responds, " I don't know where the @#$%^&* he gets that kind of &*^%$#  language." Off topic: Those NUmb lock characters are called Grawlix. Back to the paragraph (now shortened to just 'paragraph'.)

iii.I am in the faculty room, when my last name comes over the loudspeaker, "Mrs.____________, your son has gotten into a fight at the middle school." A male teacher in the room turns to me and asks, "Who won?"    

Edited July 3, 2015 by kejedo

[dilip kumar]

Sent from my C6802 using Tapatalk

[Tortuga]

If a company expects that level of dedication, they should install the right equipment. My last office was a little dated, butt still functional.