A good joke

[Qapla]

Those last two posts/jokes

 

[CHecker]

1 hour ago, Tortuga said:

Teacher to classroom of students:

"Everyone has to do their homework assignment again, my dog ate your homework"

I'd never admit it just give everyone a B and move on! 🤣

Edited November 7, 2022 by bagwell1987

[Tortuga]

There is a doctor in our area named Nguyen Nguyen. She must be good, everyone says she is a win-win.

[Sun]

there are two words that will open all doors for you:

Pull and Push 😁

[Pabo]

6 hours ago, Domin said:

there are two words that will open all doors for you:

Pull and Push 😁

 

I wonder what happens with a sliding door?

[Pabo]

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying the proper wages to his deckhand. So they sent an agent to investigate him. The IRS agent said, "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

 

The owner replies, "Well, there's Clarence my deckhand. He's been with me for three years. I pay him $1,00 a week, plus free room and board." He continues, "Then, there's the no-so-smart guy. He works 18 hours every day, does 90% of the work around here. He makes about $30 per week, pays for his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi Rum and a dozen beers every Saturday night so he can cope with life."

 

The IRS agent demands, "That's the guy I want to talk to, the not-so-smart guy."

 

The boat owners replies, "No problem, that's me. What else would you like to know?".

 

[Sun]

15 hours ago, Pabo said:

 

Me pregunto qué pasa con una puerta corredera.

Then it would be: let it run😊

[Tortuga]

"Dad, why is my sister named Leaping Deer?"

"The first thing I saw was a leaping deer outside of the tee-pee the day your sister was born. It was so beautiful and graceful that I knew your sister would be beautiful and graceful too, so I named her Leaping Dear"

"Dad, why is my brother named Running Horse?"

"When your brother was born, the first thing I saw outside of the tee-pee was a running horse, it was fast and strong like my new son would be, so I named him Running Horse"

" Why are you asking so many questions Pooping Dog?"

 

[Lee49]

[Qapla]

Yeah - I looked under the bed and found a lot of people either coming or going ...

 

 

[Pabo]

3 hours ago, Lee49 said:

 

Then my wife must be classed as a WMD - Woman of Mass Dusting.

[dilip kumar]

“Incredible Interviews
A friend and I used to run a small temporary-staffing service. Our agency did mandatory background checks on all job candidates, even though our application form asked them if they’d ever been convicted of a crime.
One day after a round of interviews, my coworker was entering information from a young man’s application into the computer. She called me over to show me that he had noted a previous conviction 

for second-degree manslaughter. Below that, on the line listing his skills, he had written “Good with people.

 

 

 

[Tortuga]

[Pabo]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses at the start of the new year of school.

 

She started her class by saying "Everyone who thinks they are stupid, please stand up!"

 

After a few seconds, little Larry stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you are stupid Larry?"

 

Larry replied, "No ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

[Pabo]

Coffee with the Pope…

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

 

After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, “Your Holiness, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily coffee.’”

 

The Pope responds, “That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed.”

 

“Well,” says the Nescafe man, “we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million.”

 

“My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord, and it must not be changed.”

 

The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate $500 million - that’s half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily coffee.’ Please consider it." And he leaves.

 

The next day the Pope convened the College of Cardinals.

 

“There is some good news,” he announces, “and some bad news. The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million.”

 

“And the bad news, your Holiness?” asks a Cardinal.

 

“We’re losing the Tip Top Bread account!”

Edited March 8, 2023 by Pabo

[Tortuga]

Johnny goes to the Parish revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the church.

 

Johnny gets in line, and when it’s his turn, the preacher asks: ‘Johnny, what do you want me to pray about for you?’

 

Johnny replies: ‘Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.’

 

The preacher puts one finger in Johnny’s ear, and he places the other hand on top of Johnny’s head and prays and prays and prays. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks Johnny: ‘Johnny, how is your hearing now?’

 

Johnny says, ‘I don’t know, preacher, it’s not in court until next Wednesday’

[Tortuga]

On 7/26/2017 at 12:46 AM, dilip kumar said:

*The Preacher and the man with a hearing problem*

It looks like I had resurrected an old joke. Thanks Dilip for originally posting this..

[davanz]

If you can stand two more blonde jokes:

 

A blond gets on an airliner on the way to Orlando, Florida, and proceeds to go straight to first class and sit down. After another traveler talks to the stewardess, the stewardess goes to the blond, and after checking her name, lets her know that she is in the wrong seat and section, then offers to go help her find her seat assignment in the coach section. The blond gets angry, inconsiderate, and very unreasonable, saying that it is going to be a long flight and she expects to be able to have more room and comfort than coach would allow. After several minutes of loud arguing, the captain comes back and whispers something in the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up and lets the stewardess show her to her assigned seat. Others witnessing this ask the captain what did he tell her to make her change her attitude so quickly. He said, "I told her that on this flight, only coach goes to Orlando, first class doesn't stop there".

 

Two blonds decide to try their hand at fishing, as they heard it was a good way to have a fresh fish meal. They rented a small boat and some tackle with bait and proceed out into the lake and start fishing. Nothing happens for quite a while, and it is almost time to turn the boat back in. Suddenly, one of them catches a nice size fish, but they have to leave in order to take the boat back. One tells the other, "here is a pen I had in my purse, and since this must be where the fish are, mark this location so that we can find it another time when we come back". Then she starts back to shore. About half way, she starts wondering how her friend marked the spot with a pen, on water, so she asks. Her friend proudly says, " I knew that would not work so I made an X on the side of the boat".  The other responds with irritation, "that probably will not work, because the next time we come we are not likely to get the same boat".

[Tortuga]

[Sheep]

1 hour ago, davanz said:

If you can stand two more blonde jokes:

 

. . .

Thank you for the blonde jokes. They always make my day. And I'm not even blonde.

[Tortuga]

Just now, Sheep said:

Thank you for the blonde jokes. They always make my day. And I'm not even blonde.

[Sheep]

How do you keep a blonde in the shower all day?

Spoiler

You give them a shampoo that says "rinse, wash, and repeat."

 

Why do blondes wear so much hair spray?

Spoiler

So they can catch all the things that go over their head.

 

A blonde was driving along the highway and approached a service station with a sign that read, "Clean Restrooms."

Spoiler

So she did.

 

[Tortuga]

1 hour ago, davanz said:

If you can stand two more blonde jokes

"Tell me those jokes again"

[davanz]

Absolute truth. Several years ago my wife and I were traveling and in a motel for the evening. As we were coming back from an evening meal, on the elevator going up to our room another couple with a little girl about 5-6 yrs old were riding up with us back to their room. My wife asked the little girl did she enjoy her swim, and she replied, “how did you know I was swimming?” My wife told her that it was because she had on a wet bathing suit, her hair was wet, and she was carrying a towel. The mother said to us, “notice that she is a blonde”, and she was.

[CHecker]

I wish everything was as easy as getting fat.