A good joke

[ChrisW]

9 hours ago, Pabo said:

A man & his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where he is met by a drunken neighbor who is standing in the pouring rain. The neighbor asks him for a push.

"Not a chance!" says the husband, "It’s 3 o"clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"It was Timothy Quinn, from around the corner. He is drunk and wants a push." he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No I did not. It’s 3 o’clock in the morning and it’s pouring rain!"

"Well, you have a short memory" says his wife. "Can’t you remember about three months ago when our car broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out in the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Quinn, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the man.

"Yes please" is the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the man.
"I’m over here, on the swing"

This one I'm gonna steal.  LOL 

[Pabo]

A man, his wife and mother-in-law went on vacation to the holy land.
While they were there, sadly, the mother-in-law passed away.
The undertaker told them. "You can have her shipped home for $15,000, or, you can have her buried here for $150."
The man thought about it for a moment and told him he’d rather have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked him, "Why would you spend $15,000 to have her shipped home when it would be wonderful to have her buried here for $150!"
The man replied, "A man died here 2,000 years ago, he was buried and 3 days later he rose from the dead, I just can’t take the chance."

[Pabo]

Sean and Paddy were at the bar, when Paddy asked, “If you had to get one or the other, would you rather get Parkinsons or Alziemers?”
Sean replied, "To be sure, I rather have Parkinsons. T'is better to spill a couple of ounces of whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!"

[Tortuga]

[Sun]

-Mom, what's the last straw for a Jehovah's Witness?

- I don't know son, what is it?

- That he has a messy room and is looking for the Organized book. 🤪

[Pabo]

For the past couple of years, my wife has been telling me that my vision and hearing has been getting bad. The other day, she asked me to pass to her her lipstick, instead, I accidentally passed her the glue stick. I haven't heard from her since.

[Keep Fighting]

 

 “A Scotchman’s wife was taken ill and, seemingly, died. At her funeral as the coffin was being carried through the churchyard gate, the pall-bearers accidentally bumped it against a gatepost. The shock resuscitated the woman. She was taken from the coffin and survived for many years. Then she was taken ill, and, this time, really died. At the funeral, as the coffin approached the churchyard gates, the bereaved husband said to the pall-bearers, ‘Steady, lads, steady; dinna bump her.’”

• g80 9/8 pp. 25-28
• A Sense of Humor—God’s Gift

[Pabo]

In a small town, there was a funeral procession through the main street of this town, where the coffin was being carried on a open carriage being drawn by two horses which deceased requested to be done at his funeral.  The cemetery to which he was to be laid to rest was at the top of the hill at the end of the main street of town.

 

As the carriage was about to enter through the gates of the cemetery, the horses got spooked by something, which they reared up, and with them rearing up the coffin was dislodged from its mounts on the carriage and slid off the back. As the road to the cemetery was very steep, the coffin continued to slide down the road, and all those mourners walking behind the horse and carriage started to jump out of the way of the coffin's path as it continued to slide down the road. As it was sliding down the steep road, the coffin was gaining speed. As it was continuing on it path, it was getting closer to the shopping mall at the bottom of the hill where the street comes to a T intersection.

 

As the coffin came to the end of the street, it was travelling that fast that when it hit the street curb and started to do a quadruple somersault and a 2 and a half twist in the air and lands on the ground still propelling forward through the mall main entrance. There was a loud bang and shattering of broken glass, and the coffin was still moving forward into the mall. There were a multitude of screams and people jumping out of the ferociously fast moving coffin's path, and the coffin kept sliding through the mall.

 

As the coffin was moving through the mall, it was slowing down and eventually slide into a pharmacy store (drugstore) where it hit a display stand causing the coffin to lift up into the air and eventually landing on the chemist's counter propped upright. Then the coffin's lid popped open falling to the floor. Then the coffin's passenger stood up and leaned out and asked then chemist "Have you got anything the stop my coffin?"

Edited August 10, 2023 by Pabo

[Sun]

My family is so in sync that until I get off the couch to go to the kitchen, no one was thirsty before.😅

[Sun]

- Which books of the Bible were the most difficult to translate?

- Luke and Acts😜

[Pabo]

20 hours ago, Domin said:

- Which books of the Bible were the most difficult to translate?

- Luke and Acts😜

If they were combined into one book, it would be called "Charades"

Edited August 14, 2023 by Pabo

[Dages]

22 hours ago, Domin said:

- Which books of the Bible were the most difficult to translate?

- Luke and Acts😜

Sorry, I don't get the pun

 

[Sun]

On 13/8/2023 at 15:50, Domin said:

- ¿Qué libros de la Biblia fueron los más difíciles de traducir?

- Lucas y Hechos 😜

I'm sorry, I don't know if in all cultures and countries they do the same, here in Spain Doctors have a way of writing quite peculiar and very difficult to understand, it is usually called "doctor's handwriting".

[Pabo]

9 hours ago, Domin said:

I'm sorry, I don't know if in all cultures and countries they do the same, here in Spain Doctors have a way of writing quite peculiar and very difficult to understand, it is usually called "doctor's handwriting".

I think that is doctor's around the world with illegible hand writing.

There was even times where the doctors would handwrite their scripts things in Latin, where the patient normally would think that is for a prescribed medication. But there was a story of one old lady who used to frequently visit doctor consistantly, which he found very unbearable. So he wrote out had a hand written script, and a friend of her's knew how to read Latin. The old lady passed the script to her friend for her to read and the script basically said, "just give her some sugar pills just to stop her complaining".

Edited August 15, 2023 by Pabo

[Pabo]

Researchers have found that 90% of bald people still own a comb. They just cannot part with it.

[bagwell1987]

Oh..my..goodness!! That made me Lol!!!!😆

[Doug]

On 5/2/2023 at 8:25 PM, Tortuga said:

 

For your next shower  .   .   .

 

Pacific Ocean has 3 C's all pronounced differently

[dljbsp]

The tenth Fast and Furious movie should be called Fast 10: Your Seatbelts

[dljbsp]

The asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in Earth’s history.

[Pabo]

[Sheep]

On 8/30/2023 at 7:27 PM, Pabo said:

Drive carefully. Reckless driving may void your warranty.

[dljbsp]

Six-year-old Ned's mother was looking through an old family Bible when an oak leaf fell out. Ned said, "I guess that must be Adam's shorts."

 

How do you make a pirate furious? Take away the p.

 

When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, “Marc, with a C.” Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.

 

I sent a reminder to a client that it was time to visit the eye doctor. He called back to inform me that he would not be coming in because, as he put it, “I have a new obstetrician.”

[Lori]

Have you heard the rumor about butter? 

 

Never mind, I shouldn't be spreading it.  

[Lori]

I've got one more... 

 

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? 

 

In case he got a hole in one. 

[➕👇 ꓤꓱꓷꓠꓵ🎵Tone]

Are Dad jokes permitted on this forum?

Edited September 4, 2023 by ➕👇 ꓤꓱꓷꓠꓵ🎵Tone