The Bad Joke thread

[DLM]

please delete

Edited September 16, 2017 by DLM
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[kejedo]

On 9/6/2017 at 10:01 PM, Doug said:

:  . . crickets . .

Maybe the best flooring is temperature dependent~ Cricket's frequency of chirping varies according to temperature, the higher the temperature the higher the rate. It is also believed that one can calculate the exact temperature of the environment by counting the number of chirps (but one must know the exact cricket type.)

OT: We had a cricket in my classroom, and I was writing up a lab sheet to make estimates on temp change in our room, since the cricket had seemed to find a comfortable place to dwell. Came into school and was informed, "I got rid of that pesky cricket for you." "You mean our lab animal?" 

Double OT, "Boy, that pauline can really destroy an already bad joke."

 

[dove]

Was it that bad??

[kejedo]

4 minutes ago, Dove said:

Was it that bad??

Just right for the subject.

[CHecker]

1 hour ago, kejedo said:

Maybe the best flooring is temperature dependent~ Cricket's frequency of chirping varies according to temperature, the higher the temperature the higher the rate. It is also believed that one can calculate the exact temperature of the environment by counting the number of chirps (but one must know the exact cricket type.)

OT: We had a cricket in my classroom, and I was writing up a lab sheet to make estimates on temp change in our room, since the cricket had seemed to find a comfortable place to dwell. Came into school and was informed, "I got rid of that pesky cricket for you." "You mean our lab animal?" 

Double OT, "Boy, that pauline can really destroy an already bad joke."

 

Pauline, you are the smartest woman I know. You impress me so much.

[kejedo]

12 hours ago, bagwell1987 said:

Pauline, you are the smartest woman I know. You impress me so much.

Thanks, but not really. I'm just old and have done a lot of stuff. 

[Doug]

On the FOX channel, Greg Gutfeld (funny guy) said " Hillary Clinton's book is out, and she's making the rounds like a Jehovah's Witness in a pantsuit".

 

Thanks Greg!!!

[New World Explorer]

On 5/26/2016 at 5:19 AM, Old said:

Considering these are Bad Jokes maybe we should rate them. 

Instead of 'Like' maybe we should have 'Boos'. Just fairly bad joke would get one 'Boo', a mediocre would be worth a 'Boo Boo', and a real whopper would get awarded 'Boo, Boo, Boo!' 

Boo ...Boo..Boo..Boomerang just hit me

[pnutts]

A bus load of politicians was going down a back country road when they
hit a tree on an old farmer's property.
The old farmer came out and had a look then went back to his shed to
bring a shovel.
He dug a big hole and buried all the politicians.
A couple of days later, the sheriff came by and noticed the wrecked bus.
The farmer showed where he had buried them.
The sheriff exclaimed "They all died?"
The farmer said: "Yup, but some of them claimed they weren't dead.
But you know how politicians lie."

[pnutts]

Trusting Your Brother

                    A couple was expecting twins any moment when the
                    husband was called out of town on an emergency
                    business call. Before leaving, he asked his brother (who
                    was a little slow, but very honest and dependable) to
                    stay close and get his wife to the hospital if she should
                    go into labor.

                    Sure enough, before the husband could return, his wife
                    gave birth to twins. Upon reaching the hospital, the new
                    father met his brother in the hall, still watching over the
                    new mom as promised. "Did everything go OK?" the
                    father asked.

                    "Mom and the babies are fine and dandy, you have a
                    son and a daughter. I only had one problem," the
                    brother said. "What was that?" the father asked.

                    "They came to me wanting to know what names to put
                    on the birth certificates, and you didn't tell me what
                    names you had picked out." Somewhat apprehensive,
                    the father asked what names he gave the babies.
    "Well,      the daughter I named Denise," the brother said.

                    "That's a beautiful name," the father said, now feeling
                    somewhat excited about his son's name. What did you
                    name my son?" The brother replied ...

 

"Denephew."

 

 

There are variations of this joke- another had husband fall at hospital and go into a coma. Same outcome.

Edited September 17, 2017 by pnutts

[pnutts]

Signs of things to come

 

In March, 1992 a man living in Newton (near Boston), Massachusetts
received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00.  
He ignored it and threw it away.
In April he received another and threw that one away too.
The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note
  stating they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them
$0.00 by return mail.
 
  He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and
they would take care of it.  
 The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out
the troublesome gas line figuring that if there were usage on the account
 it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament.
  However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off. He called
the gas company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that
they would take care of it.
 The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.
 Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was yet
another mistake and he ignored it,trusting that the company would be as good
as their word and sort the problem out.
 The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay
his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.
 
  Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the company at their own
game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his
account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas
company nothing at all.
 A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing
writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the
bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing
software to fail.  
 The bank could therefore not process ANY checks from ANY of its
customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the
computer to crash.
 
  The following month the man received a letter from the gas company
claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00
and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps
to recover the debt.
 
  Signs of things to come???????????

[pnutts]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to
     each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over
     and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm
in here  to  get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
     
     The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had
     that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you
wake up  they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"
     The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
    

The first kid says, "A circumcision." And the second kid says,
"Whoa! I  had  that done when I was born. couldn't walk for a year!

[cmcewen]

Thanks Leo.....I better stop now....while I am ahead of the game.
 
nanceebgd

Well, that's an "A" for "Effort."

Noticed how no one gives you an "E?" Guess we called spell.

Sent from my SM-N920T using Tapatalk

[cmcewen]

Well, that's an "A" for "Effort."

Noticed how no one gives you an "E?" Guess we called spell.

Sent from my SM-N920T using Tapatalk

Well, guess autocorrect is my worst enema! We called spell > we can't spell.

Sent from my SM-N920T using Tapatalk

[Tortuga]

Did you hear about the dog that gave birth on the side of the road?

The police ticketed it for littering...

[Catalyst]

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

 

 

Because it was not peeling well.

 

 

[walkr2]

Did you hear about the dog that gave birth on the side of the road?
The police ticketed it for littering...

Bad, bad, bad....The award for the day goes to this one!

[Raven]

On 12/30/2017 at 1:33 PM, Catalyst said:

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

 

 

Because it was not peeling well.

Ha, I'm so glad this thread is called the "bad joke" thread! XD