A good joke

[coony77]

I don´t know if it´s common in your countries, but here in Germany we have many jokes about blonde women (based on the cliché that blonde women are "not very smart" ).

This is one of my favourites:

 

A blonde woman walks along the street one evening, when she notices a streetlamp with a peace of paper on the lamp pole. It´s an advertisement for a flat to rent. As she is intereseted, she starts knocking on the lamp pole.

From the opposite street side, a female police officer - also blonde - watches the scene and askes her: "What for God´s sake are you doing there?". She answeres: "Well, I´m interested in this flat, so I´m knocking because I have some questions,

but nobody seems to be at home." The police officer looks at her speechlessly, thinks about it and then shouts to her: "ARE YOU KIDDING ME???" She replies: "No, why". And the police officer says: "Look up, the light is on - so there must be someone at home!"

[dilip kumar]

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[dilip kumar]

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[dilip kumar]

Ultimate Corporate blackmail...

Employee to Boss - If you don't increase my salary, I will tell the entire team that you have increased my salary

😀😀😂😆😜😝

The ultimate & the most encouraging

logic in English Grammar:-

‘If more than one mouse is mice,

then more than one Spouse is Spice.’😂😂😝😝

Ultimate Management blackmail...

Boss to Employee - If you seek increase in salary, I will tell your wife that you have got three fold increase in your salary

😀😀😂😆😜😝

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[dilip kumar]

;) Grandpa The Gambler

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"

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[pnutts]

To Pee or not to Pee.....   Sounds like a ShakesPee done it

 

 

made a 2 in 1 pun.

Edited February 21, 2016 by pnutts

[bohemian]

I'm not a dog person, nor am I a cat person.

 

To be honest, either will do when I'm really hungry.

[Tortuga]

3 hours ago, bohemian said:

I'm not a dog person, nor am I a cat person.

To be honest, either will do when I'm really hungry.

Which one has more dark meat?

[tekmantwo]

On 2/23/2016 at 6:33 AM, Tortuga said:

Which one has more dark meat?

The one that cooked longest?

[Qapla]

Shakespeare did have to face a dilemma every time he went to write - as he reached for a pencil he had to decide 2B or NOT 2B

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pencil Grading and Classification

 

9H

8H

7H

6H

5H

4H

3H

2H

H

F

HB

B

2B

3B

4B

5B

6B

7B

8B

9B

Hardest

→

Medium

→

Softest

Edited February 24, 2016 by Qapla

[Qapla]

Three blondes walked into a bar ............

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You would have thought at least ONE of them would have seen it hanging there

[dilip kumar]

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[dilip kumar]

Husband :Now the person who is sitting behind must wear helmet compulsorily since the new law has taken effect.

Wife : then, this weekend we have to buy helmets for all my matching dresses😆😆😆😜😜

Husband sold his bike.

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Did you know.?

History of Women's Day:

Initially Women's Day was planned on 6th March...

Women took 2 days to get ready. That's how it got postponed to 8th March!!! 😜

Men's Day was also planned...

But as usual, they forgot the date!!!

😜😆😝

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[dilip kumar]

Six great confusions

Still unresolved 😄😂

1. At a movie theatre, which arm rest is yours?

2. In the word scent, is "S" silent or "C"?

3. If people evolve from monkeys,

why are monkeys still around?

4. Why is there a 'D' in fridge,

but not in refrigerator?

5. Who knew what time it was

when the first clock was made?

And

6. If pro and con are opposites,

wouldn't the opposite of progress be...congress?🙏

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[Musky]

The Will.

 

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
 
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
 
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to 
record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
 
·       My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
·       My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
·       My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City
Centre."
·       "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on
the banks of the river."
 
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his 
extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs.
Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have 
accumulated all this property".
 
See Below 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
The wife replies,
No, the fool had a paper route.
 

[dilip kumar]

By the way, bro, how is Doug pronounced?

Dough or u silent?

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[Musky]

26 minutes ago, dilip kumar said:

By the way, bro, how is Doug pronounced?

Dough or u silent?

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It's pronounced like "Dug"

[dilip kumar]

Thank you bro

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[Omoyeme]

These jokes were just what I needed for a good belly laugh.  Thank you all! 

[dilip kumar]

Today we were spending some time with a family.

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[dilip kumar]

They were a couple with their young daughter who is studying 6th standard.

I was asking her some pretty funny questions. One was

I asked her to imagine Gayathri as a police woman. And then asked her that if Gayathri sees a thief stealing, what would she do?

The girl replied....

" she will ask him to stop stealing and read bible " ( this young girl is Hindu and Gayathri is soft-spoken) we had a good laugh.

Then i asked to imagine me as a tea stall owner ( see image)who makes tea and deep fries snacks. How would i look. She started laughing and said " you would be frying the snacks and would be eating and nothing will be left for the customers"

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[dilip kumar]

Adam & Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked. 😜

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[dilip kumar]

John, walked into a bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a Sardarji ( a North Indian who wears turban on his head. Normally, jokes are cracked on them in India but in real life they are not foolish)at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The Sardarji looked at John and said, “Do you think he will jump ?”…

John said, “You know, I bet he will jump.”

The Sardarji replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”

John placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on !”

Just as the Sardarji placed his money on the bar, the guy on the ledge jumped off the building, falling to his death.

The Sardarji was very upset,but willingly handed his $20 to John, saying, “Fair is fair. Here’s your money.”

John replied, “I can’t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump.”

The Sardarji replied, “I did too, but didn’t think he would do it again.”

John took the money…!!

☺😊😀😁😂😃😄😅

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A man woke up in the morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night. He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight. He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one onto the wall.

He smashed the first bottle swearing,“you are the reason I fight with my wife”

He smashed the second bottle,“you are the reason I don't love my children”.

He smashed the third bottle,“you are the reason I don't have a decent job”.

When he took the fourth bottle, he realized that the bottle was still sealed and was full. He hesitated for a moment and said“you stand aside, I know you were not involved”.

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[Qapla]

Over here that joke about the man jumping is told as a blonde joke 

[Rajan]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . .

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman:" Doctor, I don't know what to do Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp...."

Doctor:"I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of green tea and start swirling it in your mouth. Don't drink it, just swirl it around and around".

.........2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.

 

Woman:" Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with green tea and he never touched me."

Doctor:" You see how keeping your mouth shut is such a good idea !!!" 

He that is keeping his mouth and his tongue is keeping his soul from distresses.(Prov. 21:23)