A good joke

[Tortuga]

Why did the shrimp refuse to share?

He was shellfish....😁

[dilip kumar]

This lines caught my attention....

" I have changed my husband. "

I was surprised like what made her change her husband.

Then below the headlines it was written...

With real activ orange Carrot juice.

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[➕👇 ꓤꓱꓷꓠꓵ🎵Tone]

I don't get it...?

I haven't seen one of his paintings either?





Just Older

[kejedo]

40 minutes ago, TonyWenz said:

I don't get it...?

I haven't seen one of his paintings either?





Just Older
 

I looked at some of Mozart's paintings for sale online, today, but opted out.  Wish I could afford one for my neighbors. They moved from second floor to third and got uppity.

[Tortuga]

1 hour ago, TonyWenz said:

I don't get it...?

I haven't seen one of his paintings either?




 

VanGogh tried to be a musician but he didn't have an ear for music....

Edited August 27, 2019 by Tortuga

[pnutts]

14 minutes ago, Tortuga said:

VanGogh tried to be a musician but he didn't have an ear for music..

Hence he named a motor home for his wife Winnie  and it was known Winnie Van Go.😛

[➕👇 ꓤꓱꓷꓠꓵ🎵Tone]

VanGogh tried to be a musician but he didn't have an ear for music....

I heard that he used to, but he cut off the wrong ear...

Just Older

[➕👇 ꓤꓱꓷꓠꓵ🎵Tone]

This could have been me...

Just Older

[Sheep]

On 8/27/2019 at 8:15 PM, TonyWenz said:

I heard that he used to, but he cut off the wrong ear...

It was so useless talking to Van Gogh. Everything you said to him just went in one ear and stayed there.

[Sheep]

It was reported that when Van Gogh cut his ear off, somebody asked him, "What did you do a stupid thing like that for?"

 

And Van Gogh said: "What?"

[dilip kumar]

whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there’s an idiot pulling a door that says “PUSH”





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[dilip kumar]

Wicked Ladies

Ladies are wicked. They will lay on your chest and ask, "Honey have you ever cheated on me?" ...then wait for your heart to beat fast.



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[Pjdriver]

 

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent. 

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle. 

 

Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere! 

 

What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie. 

 

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame. 

 

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyoncé. 

 

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like banana. 

[bohemian]

I have a morbid and unreasoning fear of giants.

It’s called Feefiphobia

[dilip kumar]

Fantastic post !! Read it and laugh out loud !!


HOW TO INSTALL HUSBAND :

A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy :-

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance. This is particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0!

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled another
valuable program, Romance 9.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1

What can I do?
Rgds
Xxxx

Reply :

Dear Madam,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command- ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 , then only it will automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 , Beer 6.1 or Whisky 6.8

Also DO NOT disturb the original package of Husband 1.0 Otherwise new virus Girlfriend 2.5 will automatically be downloaded into your system.
So please be careful!

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0

We recommend: Cooking 3.0

Good Luck Madam !
Rgds
Xxxx


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[Sheep]

Oh yeah... Here's another fix you can try with Husband 1.0: Try to empty its cache before it defaults to Beer 6.1 or Whiskey 6.8. But it might be better to do it in safe mode so it won't recognize your activity.

[Doug]

The fellow was desperate.

 

He had been driving round and round a city block in search of a parking space. Nothing.

 

As a last resort, he prayed: "Lord, if you will help me find a parking space I will go to church every Sunday, and quit drinking and stop chasing women".

 

Lo, as he's rounded the corner there it was - the parking space he prayed for !!!!

 

Next, he said "Never mind Lord. I found one"

[minister159]

28 minutes ago, Doug said:

The fellow was desperate.

 

He had been driving round and round a city block in search of a parking space. Nothing.

 

As a last resort, he prayed: "Lord, if you will help me find a parking space I will go to church every Sunday, and quit drinking and stop chasing women".

 

Lo, as he's rounded the corner there it was - the parking space he prayed for !!!!

 

Next, he said "Never mind Lord. I found one"

I guess we can say he made and broke a vow almost simultaneously. Why am I not surprised? It reminds me of how little faith, or real faith, people have in general.

 

Like the man whose car went over a cliff, one dark cold night. As he jumped from the car, he was able to grab hold of a small tree growing on the edge of the cliff, but was unable to pull himself to safety. Hanging there all alone, he desperately calls out to God, "God, if you're there please help me, and I'll do anything you ask from now on." Shortly afterwards, a voice comes out of heaven and says, "Let go of the tree." After thinking about it for a few minutes, the man calls out again, "Is there anybody else out there"?

Edited October 3, 2019 by minister159

[➕👇 ꓤꓱꓷꓠꓵ🎵Tone]

Fwd from my wife

Just Older

[Sheep]

20 hours ago, minister159 said:

I guess we can say he made and broke a vow almost simultaneously. Why am I not surprised? It reminds me of how little faith, or real faith, people have in general.

 

Like the man whose car went over a cliff, one dark cold night. As he jumped from the car, he was able to grab hold of a small tree growing on the edge of the cliff, but was unable to pull himself to safety. Hanging there all alone, he desperately calls out to God, "God, if you're there please help me, and I'll do anything you ask from now on." Shortly afterwards, a voice comes out of heaven and says, "Let go of the tree." After thinking about it for a few minutes, the man calls out again, "Is there anybody else out there"?

I heard that one in a talk years ago. In it, the brother made the application at the end: "Yes, there is somebody else out there!" If we don't like what Jehovah is telling us, there will always be Satan to go to for a "second opinion." Which voice are we going to trust?

[➕👇 ꓤꓱꓷꓠꓵ🎵Tone]

Hope he used only 1 side...

Just Older

[Rose94]

Why did the bald man get tattoos of rabbits all over his head?

Because from far away they looked like little hares.

[Musky]

 

 

As Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

 

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

 

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

 

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

 

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

 

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

 

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

 

Apparently, I'm still lost ... it's a man thing.

 

 

[bohemian]

What can think the unthinkable?

 

 

 

an itheberg!

[bohemian]

I have sex daily.

 

Sorry, I mean. I have dyslexia!