I HATE being more tech savvy than my spouse!

[shali]

For instance, he told me tonight that his GPS watch is still running but the GPS isn't working.  So I go into "tech" mode and start asking questions and he immediately get's annoyed with me.  Now I go to the internet to find the answer to the problem with the little information he has given me.  I learned these watches require "updates" to the firmware.  I tell him that and then offer to update the firmware for him.  He declines, he said he's not a baby and can do it himself.  He tries, he fails, won't ask for help, goes out to buy a new GPS watch that he really can't afford.

 

While he's gone, I take the watch, download the proper program and update the firmware.  Watch is now working again.  In the meantime, he comes home with a new one.  Fine.  New one isn't charging, he can't figure it out and leaves to water the landscaping.  I go on the internet and discover why the new watch isn't charging and figure it out.  I finally get the "charging" percentage window on the watch and flee the room.

 

I really hate this.  He hates that I can figure this stuff out and treats me really bad when I do but he gives up so quickly when he has problems with anything and declares it "unfixable".  I want to help, but he wants anyone elses help BUT mine.  I've been as sweet as pie while trying to help without making him feel bad but he is always mad at me for figuring out what he couldn't.  It's like he doesn't understand that I'm a helper/compliment to him and that two minds are better than just one.  

 

I hate fixing this stuff behind his back, but if I didn't, it would cost us a fortune in new phones, tablets and watches!  Has anyone else encountered this with their spouse?  Is it because I'm the wife (and shouldn't know this stuff) and he's the husband (and should?)  It seems like the most tech savvy people in here are men, so it may be a male thing, I don't know.   Can someone give me a little insight?

[Hope]

 humility is in short supply in so many of us these days...   

 

[Tbs77]

For instance, he told me tonight that his GPS watch is still running but the GPS isn't working.  So I go into "tech" mode and start asking questions and he immediately get's annoyed with me.  Now I go to the internet to find the answer to the problem with the little information he has given me.  I learned these watches require "updates" to the firmware.  I tell him that and then offer to update the firmware for him.  He declines, he said he's not a baby and can do it himself.  He tries, he fails, won't ask for help, goes out to buy a new GPS watch that he really can't afford.

 

While he's gone, I take the watch, download the proper program and update the firmware.  Watch is now working again.  In the meantime, he comes home with a new one.  Fine.  New one isn't charging, he can't figure it out and leaves to water the landscaping.  I go on the internet and discover why the new watch isn't charging and figure it out.  I finally get the "charging" percentage window on the watch and flee the room.

 

I really hate this.  He hates that I can figure this stuff out and treats me really bad when I do but he gives up so quickly when he has problems with anything and declares it "unfixable".  I want to help, but he wants anyone elses help BUT mine.  I've been as sweet as pie while trying to help without making him feel bad but he is always mad at me for figuring out what he couldn't.  It's like he doesn't understand that I'm a helper/compliment to him and that two minds are better than just one.  

 

I hate fixing this stuff behind his back, but if I didn't, it would cost us a fortune in new phones, tablets and watches!  Has anyone else encountered this with their spouse?  Is it because I'm the wife (and shouldn't know this stuff) and he's the husband (and should?)  It seems like the most tech savvy people in here are men, so it may be a male thing, I don't know.   Can someone give me a little insight?

So sorry... But I better be quiet before I divulge my frustration with... I love my wife as I love myself...

Sent from my SM-N900V using Tapatalk

[shali]

8 minutes ago, Hope said:

 humility is in short supply in so many of us these days...   

 

What really frustrates me is that I see others teach him things when we have maintenance at the Kingdom Hall or in other situations and he doesn't treat them like he treats me at all.  I can't figure out why he resents me knowing things he doesn't know - after all I am 12 years older and have 12 more years under my belt of experience but I never, ever say that to him.  I am always appreciative when he teaches me something (the more I can learn, the better for me I feel!) but if I show him something, I'm the bad guy.

 

Last spring I talked him into working with me to figure out how to start up our sprinkler system, it would save us money if we could figure it out.  We knew everything but one step.  My husband gave up but I kept working on it for another half hour or so.  I finally figured it out.  I drew specific diagrams of all the steps so we could do it the next year together.  He was furious with me for sticking with it and figuring it out.  He always tells me that I'm trying to make him look bad - I'm NOT.  It's my own curiosity that makes me dogged about figuring this stuff out, it has nothing to do with what he does but I can't make him believe that.  

 

I guess I'm too proud to play the "stupid, insipid" wife to make him feel better about this stuff, so maybe I'm not any better.

[tekmantwo]

5 minutes ago, shali said:

 

I guess I'm too proud to play the "stupid, insipid" wife to make him feel better about this stuff, so maybe I'm not any better.

This statement doesn't really sit well with me.

That's the kind of gender specific role playing that the world does, not us--

 

Your husband may have pride issues,  humility issues,  you maybe have some of the same.  It is necessary for both partners to learn how to work together for the benefit of the team. .

 

I don't like when Denise does physical things around the house.  I  also realize that it is because of my gender bias. (Man, my job)..

Currently,  because of problems with my knee/leg, I am very limited in my mobility.  She has taken over the doing dishes,  which I used to do most times. She is also doing the watering and some stuff outside,  which I also used to handle.

I  am not too enthused about her taking on the extra work but it does need doing,  we are a team, I will do more where I can.  

I cover her, she covers me--teammates 

[shali]

I understand that type of relationship and I guess it's because I want it so bad that I get so frustrated.  I'm learning to relinquish jobs that I used to do on my own because I no longer have the strength or feel unsteady (like on ladders) and I'm so happy he is there to pick up my slack. I still feel useful when I can help with the techy stuff but he doesn'the see it that way I guess. There is a saying " no man is an island" but I think mine wants to be.

[shali]

I guess it'seems time for me to stop helping when it's just not wanted, as I type this I can see where that would be annoying. If he doesn't  want it fixed who am I to say it needs to be?!!! 

[Brenda]

1 hour ago, shali said:

I guess it'seems time for me to stop helping when it's just not wanted, as I type this I can see where that would be annoying. If he doesn't  want it fixed who am I to say it needs to be?!!! 

 

Fix the item after he buys a new one.  Sell it on eBay and have a Spa Day.    hehehehe  LOL  

 

 

[tekmantwo]

4 hours ago, shali said:

 I still feel useful when I can help with the techy stuff but he doesn'the see it that way I guess. There is a saying " no man is an island" but I think mine wants to be.

Communication is key.

Sitting him down and letting him know that it's important to you to know that you are helpful and useful would be a start.

 

Part of his role as a head is knowing his mate, 1 Pet 3:7 says 'dwelling with them according to knowledge ' and if he's not letting you help the team in a way that you can, he would be failing to utilize your skills and blunting your incentives to help. It could be considered a failure of his leadership. 

 

Part of being a team leader is knowing all the players skills and applying those skills to the best effects.  

You do not want to usurp his headship by going around him, it would be in his familys best interests to use his assets to the best of their abilities. 

 

Love ya Sis, hope you two can get it all worked out 

[maladee]

My DH is tech savy but he has a hard time doing the hard reading a manual work lol.

 

 One night (I was fast asleep) he comes in and wakes me up that the cable (we just switched to TWC) is not working and he was   really frustrated, he was having trouble syncing everything up , so I grab the manual that the gave us with the boxes, I realized the two boxes where not communicating.

 

 Long story short, I called TWC to have both boxes reset, ALL fixed. I laugh about that now but he is not impressed

[hatcheckgirl]

6 hours ago, tekmantwo said:

Communication is key.

Sitting him down and letting him know that it's important to you to know that you are helpful and useful would be a start.

 

Part of his role as a head is knowing his mate, 1 Pet 3:7 says 'dwelling with them according to knowledge ' and if he's not letting you help the team in a way that you can, he would be failing to utilize your skills and blunting your incentives to help. It could be considered a failure of his leadership. 

 

Part of being a team leader is knowing all the players skills and applying those skills to the best effects.  

You do not want to usurp his headship by going around him, it would be in his familys best interests to use his assets to the best of their abilities. 

 

Love ya Sis, hope you two can get it all worked out 

 

Yes, you don't want to be the stupid insipid wife, but even with your good intentions, Brigette, your hubby isn't seeing it the way you do - that you are only trying to help the family budget by being frugal and repairing things.  If you can, sit down and communicate this, maybe using Prov 31 to show him that you only have the family's wellbeing in mind.  And explain that you didn't intend to make him feel unappreciated for what he brings to the family either, just that each have skills to complement the other's lack.  Sort of like the principal in 2 Cor 8:14 " your surplus at the present time might offset their need, so that their surplus might also offset your deficiency, that there may be an equalizing " of skills and abilities.

 

It must be hard for you, but gentle persuasion will work better perhaps, even if you are basically in the right.  Hoping for the best for you!

[Hope]

I can't imagine not being pleased and proud of whatever skills, abilities and talents my mate would have. And if he didn't feel the same about me, it would break my heart.  The whole point of a partnership is you pick up where the other leaves off in some way.  I don't see where resentment fits in- at all.

 

You shouldn't hate being more tech savvy- that's a great skill. Just that he won't appreciate it.

[pnutts]

20 hours ago, shali said:

I really hate this.  He hates that I can figure this stuff out and treats me really bad when I do but he gives up so quickly when he has problems with anything and declares it "unfixable".  I want to help, but he wants anyone elses help BUT mine.  

Substitute She for "He"  and that describes our household. The worst part is that I only browse with keeping up with technology. It is harder as one .

[shali]

I've tried really hard to reason with him that I'm not trying to make him feel dumb, it's just that I may actually be able to help.  I spend some days working on computer glitches and router problems and system updates that go wrong when he's not here and I usually have it all worked out by the time he gets home so that the wi-fi is up and running by the time he gets home, etc. Inevitably, a day or two later he'll say "the watch works" or give me another slight indication that I fixed his problem but I wish he could get to that point by skipping the getting mad part!

 

I guess to him I'm like a dog that chews your slipper and then brings it to you, he thinks he's doing something good but his master doesn'the see it that way. (sigh)

[RaymondG]

You think you've got it bad...

 

Try being a husband who likes to show his wife how to do things some time.

 

"I've done this before, you know!" now matter how much time or effort you could save her. Head bitten off, you can then retreat for a while, but don't count on any peace or hamony for some time.

[tekmantwo]

2 hours ago, RaymondG said:

You think you've got it bad...

 

Try being a husband who likes to show his wife how to do things some time.

 

"I've done this before, you know!" now matter how much time or effort you could save her. Head bitten off, you can then retreat for a while, but don't count on any peace or hamony for some time.

Thats no problem, I would make her do it my way and then, with the time she saved, have her go make me a sammich....

 

 

 

 

 

(ok, obviously kidding,  did it just for y'all, just fo fun)

[Tortuga]

I learned to ask " do you want me to help you with that?" and then listen.

[Hope]

I can't even imagine having someone around actually willing and able to help me with something and resenting it, rather than admiring and appreciating it.  That's some sad madness...

[shali]

8 hours ago, RaymondG said:

You think you've got it bad...

 

Try being a husband who likes to show his wife how to do things some time.

 

"I've done this before, you know!" now matter how much time or effort you could save her. Head bitten off, you can then retreat for a while, but don't count on any peace or hamony for some time.

That's EXACTLY what I go through.  He came in last night and told me the nozzle to the sprayer he uses to kill weeds in the lawn is stripped and he'll have to buy a new one.  I asked him if he wanted me to look at it while he was at work tomorrow (I mean what harm would it do if I just took a look?!!!!) He said "no", it can't be fixed.  I asked "not even with some plumber's tape?"  He walked away mumbling "maybe".  Why even tell me about it?!!  I guess he get's upset because he didn't think of the solution first.  But that is the way my mind is actually 'wired' - it immediately starts searching for a fix and normally won't stop until I find it.  At least he didn't get mad at me this time, that was refreshing. 

[Hope]

Was your husband always this resentful or is this a recent development?

Edited June 1, 2016 by Hope

[shali]

2 hours ago, Tortuga said:

I learned to ask " do you want me to help you with that?" and then listen.

His answer is always an emphatic "NO, I can do it myself" then he ends up throwing it away, declaring it can't be fixed.  I end up taking it out of the trash and fixing it.  He did this with his Samsung Galaxy phone.  He broke the screen and declared he was going to throw it away.  I asked him if I could have it because I can get a kit to fix the screen off ebay for $4.00 and i would like to try and fix it.  He said no.  I said "you mean you would rather throw it in the trash then to have me fix it?"  He said "yes".  I said - "that's messed up" and walked away.  Weeks went by and i found the phone sitting on my office desk one morning.  That was his way of changing his mind without having to admit he changed his mind.  So I ordered the kit, watched a dozen YouTube video's and fixed the screen successfully and since my own phone could no long load JW Lib, I had a nice new phone!

[shali]

6 minutes ago, Hope said:

Was your husband always this resentful or is this a recent development?

 

He has always been like this.  Many of his replies are what you would get from a toddler when it comes to stuff, which kinda cracks me up.  Like "No, I'll do it myself" or "I don't want to".  I never get explanations as to his reasoning because i think he doesn't have any that make sense so these are the replies I get! LOL  His father was 57 when he was born so by the time he got into his early teens, his father was in a wheelchair hooked to an oxygen tank and there was no one to show him how to do even the most basic things like how to hammer a nail.  So I think he feels inadequate about alot of things that "men" are supposed to know but he also doesn't want to learn those things from me.  I think he might feel that he should automatically know stuff.  I'm not a very curious person (I HATE details) but I am curious about what makes things work and so I don't throw anything away unless I've learned something from it usually.

 

About a year and a half ago, my husband bought his first spanking new, off the line truck.  The very first time he drove it out in service, he backed it into a brother's mailbox and broke the tail light.  It put him in a lousy, awful mood all day!  I immediately when to YouTube too see how hard or easy it would be to replace your own tail light.  Found a 2 minute video - it was super easy.  But no, he was deadset on paying almost 300.00 to have the dealership do it.  I went on Ebay and found a brand new OEM tail light from his exact truck make and model for 35.00 (buying from Nissan would of been over 100.00).  I told him about it - nope - gonna have the dealership do it.  I begged him to just watch the video before he made the phone call to schedule the appointment and left the listing for the tail light up too so he could look at it himself.  Several hours later, he walks in and watches the video, walks out of the room and tells me to order the light (no other conversation).

 

When the light came, he watched the video and put the light in himself (I knew not to even offer to help or hold the screwdriver!).  He eventually comes around but not before there is a lot of kicking and screaming!

 

 

[Brenda]

Brigette, maybe you could take an interest in whatever your husband does...and ask him to show you something you don't know or ask him to explain something to you that you don't know.  Maybe he will see there is a 'give and take' in a marriage.  

 

Then whenever he does...be sure to thank him and tell him you appreciate him showing you or helping you to understand.  This may go a long way in softening his ego.  Sounds like he needs to feel he is 'needed'.  Nothing wrong with that...I think most men want to feel needed by their wife.  

 

 

[shali]

1 minute ago, Brenda said:

Brigette, maybe you could take an interest in whatever your husband does...and ask him to show you something you don't know or ask him to explain something to you that you don't know.  Maybe he will see there is a 'give and take' in a marriage.  

 

Then whenever he does...be sure to thank him and tell him you appreciate him showing you or helping you to understand.  This may go a long way in softening his ego.  Sounds like he needs to feel he is 'needed'.  Nothing wrong with that...I think most men want to feel needed by their wife.  

 

 

I ALWAYS do that because I do appreciate anything he does for me.  He never wants to show me anything that he knows though, he wants to keep all that lovely knowledge to himself for some reason.  We have an outdoor sprinkler system that i took no interest in when it was installed, so only he knows how to run it and change the heads on the sprinklers.  I asked him last year if he would teach me in case something ever happened to him.  His reply was "the manual is in that cabinet".

 

He should feel plenty needed - he bascially supports us on his own now and I'm always telling him how much I appreciate that he works at a job he hates to do it.  Sometimes I may go overboard with the praise because I want him to realize that it's alright to say "thanks" or "I appreciate that" when someones does something for you that you know nothing about and that there is no reason to resent a person but there is every reason to want to learn from them.

 

Honestly, he takes very little interest in technical stuff but when it doesn't work right, he's mad that he can't fix it.  I don't know what to say to that!  I try to explain that I know what I know because I do take an interest in it and enjoy learning about those types of things.  His only hobbies are running and comic books - not a whole lot I can learn from him on that front since I do neither but whenever he runs, I take an interest by asking him how his run went, how far, what was his route, how does he feel . 

 

I'm just hoping he comes to the realization sometime that "two are better than one" when it comes to everything in a marriage.  He didn't get married till he was 30 and I was his first real relationship so he had been a loner all his life - he still gets stuck in that mode.

 

 

[Hope]

Men, brothers.... is this something a wife should expect?  *this is not focusing on Shali's situation - but inspired by it*...

 

Do most men have a problem dealing with a clever wife?  Am I mistaken in thinking a husband would admire his wife's intelligence like she admires his?  There are a few things that make me skittish about marriage, but this is actually just about the biggest one -- that my husband would resent what I know or how I know it.

 

I've had random conversations with brothers that have revealed that sort of insecurity about them and it scares me right off.  It would break my heart to know that someone I loved (if I could actually grow to love him) was resentful or intimidated by any knowledge or talents I have - it would crush my spirit.  I think I would be so very proud of my husband regarding anything he does... ESPECIALLY if it's something that I can't do.  And I'd be delighted that someone so smart chose me.

 

Do men not feel the same way?